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The Struggle of Finding the Right Therapist

So many of us have had to go through the tedious task of changing therapists, whether it is because one therapist isn’t working for us any more, or our circumstances have changed, or our therapist isn’t meeting our needs any more, or even because we just get angry with them! I certainly understand this process! But finding a new therapist can be very challenging! And firing a therapist is even more challenging!!

So in this poem I share a metaphor that describes my journey with three therapists I’ve had in the last couple of years. The outcome with each one is obvious! 

I was seeing a therapist for two years
And this was going really good
I’m pushing a large farm wagon
It is empty, and on level ground
When I remembered
The sexual abuse from my childhood
She changed her boundaries
She added rocks
When I attempted suicide
She changed her boundaries again
She added more rocks
I asked if I could talk about the abuse
And she said no, not yet
She added even more rocks
I expressed my fear of giving in to the demons
That haunted my brain
I don’t want to give in to them
And attempt again
She added yet more rocks
Then when I attempted suicide a second time
She changed her boundaries yet again
She added more rocks till it was full
And I had to push it uphill
Then when I shared my affection for her
I just wanted to be her friend
But that’s not possible
She said I shouldn’t feel that way!
She tightened her boundaries even more
She started throwing rocks at me!
I lost my footing
And the wagon started to roll backwards
And rolled right on top of me
My anger just exploded
And my rage blew up!!

Then I found another therapist
I’m pushing a medium farm cart
It is empty, and on level ground
I ask about doing EMDR
And she says no, not right now
And she won’t let me talk about the abuse
Or the times I attempted suicide
She doesn’t need to know
The horrifying details
And adds some rocks
Then she wanted me to draw my emotions
What? Why? I don’t understand!
I can’t draw!
And those “emotion faces”
Just look really funny to me!
They’re just caricatures!
Again she said no to EMDR
She added more rocks
Again she wanted me to draw my emotions
It was starting the same pattern
As the last therapist I had before
And she added more rocks
I’m not going there again
I ended therapy with her

Another new therapist
Will this be another fiasco?
I have a wheelbarrow
My hopes are lifted up
And the wheelbarrow has topsoil in it
This is wonderful!
I can move forward
She hands me some seeds
And I can plant flowers
There’s a lot of sun and water
For those thirsty flowers
She teaches me how to care for these flowers
Carefully weeding them
So they’re not strangled and choked
She shows me how to carefully prune them
So they will grow healthy and strong
It does take some effort
It does take some hard work
And when I get tired
I can sit and rest
And the wheelbarrow won’t roll over me
Because I’m safe in my garden
I see the flowers blooming
I’m on my way to healing!

If you too are on a trauma healing journey, visit The Tie Dye poet’s website to see more of her work, and check out her book here.

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