The Bloggess, Jenny Lawson, Shared The Moment She Felt Emotion Again After Emotional Numbness
Too often people equate depression with sadness. Depression is much more than a low mood, and while sadness can be a part of it, numbness is just as prevalent. It’s a void of emotion that you may become accustomed to after a while. When the numbness lifts and you finally experience full-blown emotions again, it can be jarring. Jenny Lawson, also known as The Bloggess, shared an Instagram video Thursday of the moment she felt emotion again.
Lawson filmed herself in her car after completing her ninth session of rTMS. Repetitive Transcranial magnetic stimulation is a noninvasive treatment for depression that is sometimes used for treatment-resistant depression. Lawson is two weeks into a six-week regimen, which she is chronicling on her blog.
In her video, Lawson tearfully said:
I’m sitting in the parking lot in tears because I feel emotion. And it’s so strong that I can’t control it, and that’s so wonderful and ridiculous that I’m crying about this but it’s been so long. I just wanted to remind myself that emotions are good, and that it’s worth it to fight for it, and you’re worth it, too, so fight because there’s light out there — for all of us.
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I just finished my 9th TMS treatment and this happened in the psych unit parking lot. My depression looks like numbness. Uncomfortable numbness. If yours does too then you’ll understand this. If yours doesn’t you’ll think I’m even crazier than before. Also, if I knew I was going to tape myself I would have showered and worn makeup but whatever…sometimes raw is good.
Lawson told The Mighty she felt overwhelmed when she realized she didn’t feel numb.
“You forget what it’s like to really feel things rather than just feel the ghost of emotions,” she said. “It was a combination of sadness and joy and relief…and a little self-pity if I’m being honest. Self-pity about all that I miss when depression makes me not entirely me.”
Though it was originally meant to be a reminder to herself, she realized it may be a good reminder for others, too.
I wanted to record it for myself but then I decided that there are probably so many people like me in the same spot who maybe need a reminder as well that it’s worth holding out for the light that comes, even if it’s only for a short time. I wanted to share it because I needed to remember it myself when things get dark because depression lies so well that you think that you’ll never be normal again. That ‘normal’ isn’t even really a thing. That everyone is faking it like you are
Photos via Twitter