Life is a journey right? So they say. But sometimes I wonder where to.
I wonder why a lot.
Why the pain? Why the suffering? Why the hardship? Why the loss? Why the rejection? Why did my brother die? Why did my dog die? Why can’t I just shake this off? Why the numbness? Seriously, why the numbness?
I wonder what my purpose is and if I’m living it. I wonder what my place is. I wonder if I’m using my gifts and making choices wisely. These are the questions I ask on my journey. I ask them because I lack understanding. I ask them because I long for clarity. I ask them so I can discover what I want from this life. Because some days, I don’t know. Some days it all makes so much sense and I try to hold on to that, to keep it so I never lose it, but alas it drifts away from me and I have to chase it down again. I have to find it and repeat the cycle.
Why? I don’t know.
Maybe because there is comfort in our cycles. Maybe because life has movement and muscle memory and we do what we know. Maybe because those cycles, though they can feel like a trap, are there to serve us and teach us about ourselves.
I want to be loved from the inside out. I want to fall and not fear the broken pieces. I want to walk softly with purpose. I want to discover and uncover the beauty I keep hidden. I want to be proud of my accomplishments without insecurity, and I want to have grace for my imperfections. I want to want without getting wrapped up in what I think I deserve. Because I hate that word, “deserve.” Because what do we deserve anyway?
Life is a gift given to us. Every day we awake we are again given that gift. We are given with that gift, a choice. The choice of how we use it, how we live it. Some days are heavy, and some days we feel like we waste that gift. Some days are carefree and easy and we feel that gift saturate us in all of its glory and we breathe it in. Maybe for you those days are lumped together. Maybe the lows and highs are spaced out nicely, evenly. Or maybe for you, like me they are scattered about, unsure of what each day may hold.
As I go to sleep tonight I remember the heaviness as my mind tries to convince me otherwise. I remember the loneliness as I give in to my fears. I remember the struggle and get caught up in everything I wish I would’ve changed. It is so easy to stay here. To stay put. To sink in. But I let myself find the light. I remind myself of the good that exists somewhere within me. Some days easier to find than others.
So, as I lie here I am thankful I was given this day. I am thankful that despite the frustrations and imperfections I had the opportunity to feel today. To have an impact on a life. To write words. To chase a dream. To have real conversations. To feel my heart beating. To find space and breath. To play. To create. To connect.
There is no telling what tomorrow will hold, but I hope I can end it again in gratitude and acceptance for who I am and the roads that have brought me here.
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Casey Renee LeVasseur is a survivor of loss, living with mental illness. An advocate for mental health awareness, she has made it her mission to use her writing as a tool to help break down the negative stigma clouding mental illness. The topics of grief and mental health are ever present in her works and serve as constant inspiration for her strong, courageous, and inquisitive characters.
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