When You Worry All the Time, Then Worry About Worrying
I worry all the time, and in my mind it does not seem like a big deal. However, the people around me seem to constantly be saying I worry too much, or they make jokes like, “let me guess; you are worried.” Then, I start to worry about my worrying.
I never really thought worrying could be an issue, and frankly, when you grow up in an abusive home, you spend a lot of time thinking about how your abuser is thinking or feeling. I guess I just never stopped doing it. But I never see it as worry until someone else perceives I am worrying. Does that make sense?
I often wonder if people see that I think about things often and sometimes I drift in conversation, but it has nothing to do with worry.
I wonder if people who call me out on “worrying” are actually right, or if they are wrong. I swear it never occurs to me I am worrying until someone says I am worrying. What if I actually am worrying; does it matter? Is this a symptom of a larger issue like borderline personality disorder (BPD), of which I have been diagnosed? I never felt it was a good fit. Maybe it is a sign of compulsion and I just don’t recognize having obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I wonder if something that someone does, which makes them feel comfortable, is actually an issue or if it is just how we function. I must admit, I have at times been doubtful of my psychiatric diagnosis, just as I am with medical diagnosis. Maybe this combination of a rare disease and mental health problems is overwhelming me and I cannot see it?
I may be wrong on this and I certainly would not presume to apply my thinking to others, but I am more and more of the mind that not everything is actually a problem. I worry, but does that mean I have a problem with worrying? I don’t think so; I am hesitant to just adopt a problem because others seem to constantly mention it about me. So, I have decided that worrying about my worrying is the real problem and if others feel uncomfortable with me then maybe the issue is theirs and they should stop worrying about my worrying.
Getty Images photo via demaerre