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Why I Wouldn't Want Just One Pain-Free Day

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We with daily pain always say we’d like just one pain-free day… Thinking about that realistically, do you really think that would be enough?

It would not be for me.

I’d rather have no reprieve than one given then taken away.

Speaking from experience with having a treatment that made a small but significant-to-me difference, then losing health coverage and having to give it up after two years, I am pretty certain that while just a single pain-free day might be enjoyable in the moment, it probably would have the effect of leaving me more depressed when it was over.

I also have my doubts about the ability to enjoy it, as someone who’s been in daily pain for six years — I’d be so busy trying to cram as much of what I can’t do now into it as I could that the sheer joy of such a day would be lost.

I’d always be left wanting more.

There would be no way to fit all the things my soul craves into a single day:

Time with family in varying locations. Extra time with grandkids. Catching up with friends. Seeing a current movie (I haven’t been able to see one in theater for three years). Cleaning my house (I’ve been itching to do this to my satisfaction for years). Going dancing. Going swimming. Walking in the park. Having a picnic. Riding a bike. Cooking something elaborate and enjoying eating it. A slumber party with my daughters. Drinking a margarita with no medication interaction. Wearing something cute without having it hurt my skin. Sitting in the sunshine without sunglasses. Cuddling with someone I love. Driving for a few hours, singing to the radio cranked up to the max. Reading a real book without the white pages throwing a migraine-inducing glare. Playing with my kittens until they were tired instead of until I’m too tired. Taking a long walk.

Having a conversation that doesn’t include the words “migraine,” “nausea,” “allodynia,” “pain,” “limits,” “triggers,” “chronic,” “aura” or “can’t.”

No, one day is not enough – would never be enough. I’d always be left wanting more…

Reality. Coming back to this pain-riddled body after my one day.

Reality. Missing the things and people I love all over again.

Reality. It’s my curse, and my life. Limits, pain, dimly lit rooms, fighting for a moment of fun that I won’t suffer for.

One day? No. I want more. I want life.

Anything less is not enough.

Originally published: August 27, 2018
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