The Initial Thoughts That Went Through My Mind After My Cancer Diagnosis

Over the years, I have known several people who have had cancer. No matter how close I might have been to them, there are many questions I didn’t feel right asking them and a lot of information I just didn’t know or fully understand.

What I always wanted to understand the most was how, deep down, the disease really affected them emotionally. Were they scared, regretful of not doing more before they were diagnosed, did they feel they could fight through their disease or could they tell that fighting wouldn’t help them? These are such deeply personal questions that I just couldn’t ask. Of course everyone must have different answers based on individual personality, the type of cancer, what stage they are in and so forth. Even so, it would have been nice to have connected on a more personal level. I felt I was never there the way I could have been because I just didn’t understand what they were experiencing physically or emotionally and I didn’t know how to do more without feeling like I was invading very personal and private space.

Back when I was in the very early stages of having cancer, there were so many questions that plagued my own mind. What I have figured out so far is that I hope family and friends never feel uncomfortable asking me the tough questions. It’s just another part of who I am and I want to remain close with those I love. Part of being close is for those around me to truly understand who I am, how I am dealing with what is in front of me and feeling comfortable having conversations with me that no one ever wants to have.

I remember struggling to find my own balance to come to conclusions that would be satisfactory for my own life. When I was first diagnosed, the hardest thing for me to work on was my fear. I was so incredibly overwhelmed that I cried all the time. The fact that multiple myeloma is not a cancer that can be cured and can also have a short lifespan didn’t help my state of mind much.

Early on one of my biggest worry was, how do I present myself as someone who is strong and unafraid? It seems that the comments you hear again and again from family and friends of cancer patients is how strong they are, how they never show fear, how they are able to take it all in stride, how impressed everyone is with their ability to stay so calm and determined to power through.

Talk about pressure. I felt like a failure at handling a cancer diagnosis because I was so scared and wanted to talk through the fear. I felt like I was letting those around me down because I couldn’t mask my feelings very well. It made me wonder how many other people felt the same way when confronted with such a hideous diagnosis. Where did these patients find the strength? Why was I already failing so badly when I hadn’t even started treatment?

A few years have passed and the intensity of my feelings have calmed down quite a bit. Over time my worry began centering around the burden aspect of having cancer. I had difficulty wrapping my head around the financial and emotional toll my health might take on the family. There were times in my life where money was scarce and I didn’t ever want to revisit that again in my life or leave a burden like that on my own family. It’s one thing to go through a tough time and be able to help dig out. It’s quite another when you are sick and dependent on those around you to do all the digging while you are unable to help. It’s even worse knowing it’s your fault the situation even exists.

I went through anxiety thinking about the family as caregivers and having to help me, worry about me and feel drained emotionally because of me. I realized early on that if I had a curable cancer, I could see fighting it. I could drain a bank account and not feeling as guilty about getting some help because there was a much better chance that I would get through it all and live many years in which I could show my gratitude, help get back on track and be there for everyone else.

I am just grazing over the surface of some of the initially thoughts that plagued me when first diagnosed. Thankfully I am in a much better place now. I have found my new normal, the family has too and there is a renewed calm in the air. Nothing has been nearly as traumatic as I was afraid it would be. Money has been available and not being able to work has felt much less burdensome as time has gone on. I am grateful to have a loving family who never put pressure on me or made me feel anything but love and joy for being in their lives. Things did get better once the initial shock wore off and I learned how to reboot my life in a brand new way. I wish I had had someone to tell me that when I first went through the beginning stages of having cancer.