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The Internal Dialogue I Have Due to Living With Multiple Sclerosis

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The dialogue that runs through my mind on a daily basis does not match my outer smile and demeanor. There is not a single person in the world who can fully comprehend how my body struggles each day, and so I can only relate my situation to what I, myself, have lived thus far. I have multiple sclerosis – a rare presentation that took 13 years to diagnose.

My body works overtime to do the things that may seem ordinary to you: taking a shower, getting dressed, preparing meals. Standing in one spot is agony, as my legs tend to tremor as though they’re not strong enough to continue supporting my body. As you can imagine, even just getting ready for my day can leave my body weakened and fatigued beyond description. I do what absolutely needs to be done, but things I enjoy tend to become impossible with a body that can only go so far.

Trying to keep my inner thoughts constructive can become overwhelming and, quite frankly, absurd. After living a 13-year search for a diagnosis and now having my first real MS treatment fail to improve my everyday functioning, I’m pretty sure it’s normal and alright to feel angry, lost and hopeless from time to time. If you have a relentless chronic illness, I’m sure you’ve had these feelings emerge despite your mind trying to stay afloat.

And, so, how do I keep myself going in spite of the life I thought I would have flashing before my eyes? How can I accept that my body can barely survive and that my future is completely unknown? Because I have no other choice. I wake up each morning and see my two beautiful boys, each with a sparkle for life, both of them deserving the best I can provide for them on any given day. I can muster up enough hope to do it all over again. There is no alternative. As my journey diverges towards a change in treatment, I remember that perhaps, my best days are still to come.

Getty Image by adrianova_

Originally published: March 8, 2018
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