How Muscle Dysfunction Helps Me Appreciate the Little Moments
I’ve been dealing with chronic muscle dysfunction for a third of my life. While I had 21 healthy, active years, it is hard to remember what normal feels like. If I close my eyes and think back, it is nearly impossible to imagine what it felt like before my muscle strength diminished and my pain began. If I could go back and live just one more day as a healthy being, I would savor the feeling of weightlessness, of my body moving effortlessly and freely. I would carelessly run through a field of flowers for hours on end.
I spent my 20s learning how to be an adult while adjusting to life without full muscle capacity. Initially, I was in a state of shock; I went from a healthy child to a debilitated adult in a short period of time. I quickly learned that people will drift out of your life when you’re being weighed down by illness, revealing the people who truly care. I had to adjust my mindset to thinking about what I am capable of doing in a day rather than doing as I please in the moment.
After a decade of struggling with muscle disease, I had changed in more ways than I could have foreseen. The simple things in life bring the largest smile to my face. What may be a typical day for someone else now has so much more meaning in my life with chronic illness. When I can physically take my kids to the playground, it is a wonderful day. I am still the same person, but I can now see beauty in places I had overlooked before. And don’t get me wrong, I still have the dreadful days of self-pity when I’m extremely weak, but they make the good days that much better.
So thank you, weakened muscles. Thank you for making my life complicated and challenging. I accept this challenge and I will fight on through the peaks and valleys of this illness. And thanks to you, I can feel simple beauty as it arises in my day-to-day routine. I can truly say I am thankful to be alive when I wake up each morning.
Image via Thinkstock.
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Lindsay Karp is a writer residing in the suburbs of Philadelphia with her husband and two sons. She writes about her long diagnostic journey and life with multiple sclerosis (MS) as well as parenting and other aspects of her life. She has recently entered the world of patient advocacy to help others living with MS and those who remain undiagnosed, as she did for many years. Lindsay is an aspiring published children’s book author and is working on a memoir of her 13 year diagnostic journey. Follow Lindsay's publications on Twitter: @karplindsay
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