What Helps My Understanding of Emotions With Alexithymia

“Why do you do this to yourself?” my husband asks, as he watches me cry during the last episode of my favorite show. I tell him that shows that cause me to cry or feel an extreme emotion are my favorite to watch. If it doesn’t cause me to cry, be angry or laugh it’s not going to be my favorite show. So why do I do this to myself?

I’ve always had problems understanding and verbalizing my emotions. Alexithymia describes the inability to observe, identify and describe emotions. When I watch movies or TV shows, especially intense scenes, I am able to understand a bit more about emotions and it helps me understand my own. Movies and TV shows tend to have a lot of cues in them to display the emotion of a character or scene. For example, music, camera angles, dramatic displays of emotion are all things that can help me pick up on emotion.

Putting words into emotion is not my strong suit. Even now, I sit here and struggle with the visuals and words that will explain this strange sensation I’m feeling. I know I need to let others know what’s going on with me, yet I sit, with nothing. They look at me, me looking at them, and we’re both wondering what’s going on with me, expecting me to explain an emotion that I can’t quite grasp. Instead, I fill the void with… I don’t know.

I’ve learned that I work backwards due to my delayed emotional response. When I don’t know or understand an emotion that is building in me, watching a movie can help me understand it and or move past it. Alexithymia can also cause me to have trouble reading others’ emotions. When watching intense emotional scenes I can take those scenarios into my everyday life and try to match others’ reactions to how a similar scene played out in a show I watched.

When I’m having a hard time understanding my emotions I often go through scenarios from movies that I can relate to the situation. I’ll play that back in my mind to help me explain an emotion that I’m trying to convey. These emotional scenes can help me understand the emotions that I can’t quite put into words. For instance, when someone I know and love passes away, it can be hard for me to express an emotion. It gets stuck in my throat begging for a way to my tongue. It can help me to watch a movie or show that has a character’s death in it, because I can finally release that emotion and help me put into words the grief I am feeling.

I have favorite movies that I’ll watch that can relate to a situation that I’m not sure how to process. It’s not just any movie or TV show that has an emotional scene that helps me. Usually, the movie has to have characters that I’m invested in and relate to. The music and how the scene is presented, all tie into how I’m able to relate. When a character shows an intense amount of emotion it can often cause me to feel that emotion. If a character that I feel a connection to is displaying an emotion, it can help me relate that scene to a moment in my life and help me understand the feelings that I had. These intense scenes can also help me describe to someone who might be trying to understand why I’m acting a certain way.

I’ve spent too much time with guilt that is tied up in my inability to describe my emotions. I now embrace the difficulty and find my own way to express my emotions.

Do you have a difficulty expressing and understanding your emotions? What helps you express your feelings?