The anxiety I feel has impacted my life tremendously. I have felt this anxiety for almost as long as I can remember. It has gone through its own ups and downs; getting worse and better throughout years. I’ve worked on myself to help the anxiety and to help how I deal and cope with it. Recently, the anxiety has been worse and even though I’m still working on it it got the best of me.
I had gotten a job that I had more than enough competence for, it wasn’t too time consuming for getting back into working, and it wasn’t too physically or mentally challenging. In all honesty, it should have been a job I could do in my sleep. The anxiety convinced me that I wasn’t doing a good enough job and that people were judging me negatively and were going to hate me. Even when I was told my service had been great, the anxiety wouldn’t believe it and I believed the anxiety to be more truthful, more right. The anxiety convinced me that the only thing to do was to quit. After only two weeks of working at this new job that I was liking well enough, I quit. I was so mad and disappointed with myself. I felt so much shame that I felt I couldn’t do this job that deep down I know I can.
The anxiety voice is so loud in my head at times that I really feel like there’s nothing else to do but listen to it. Sometimes it doesn’t help to talk positively to myself or to try to tell myself that I am great. Sometimes it doesn’t help to be rational and tell myself that I was told I’d been doing great and people were happy so that means I am doing well enough. The anxiety said I was doing a terrible job and that voice won out. It overpowered every skill I have to fight it.
Some people don’t understand how truly hard it can be to have anxiety. I’m constantly arguing with myself about practically every social situation I am in because the anxiety I feel is centered around social experiences. Some people believe you can just talk yourself out of whatever is causing you anxiety. That doesn’t work for me though because the anxious voice is so very strong. I’ve known some people who think that anxiety is a made up thing to get attention. Speaking for myself, anxiety is not a fun thing to experience and I don’t enjoy holding myself back from things because I’m scared of what might happen. I wouldn’t make that up.
I am still feeling disappointed and I am still feeling bummed and I’ve lost a bit of hope for my future. I am not going to let that get me down too much because that doesn’t help me. I will keep moving forward and I will try again. It will still be hard and I know I can do it because I’ve done it before
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