I'm No Longer Apologizing for Having OCD

I had been saying sorry for years.

We all have.

The burn on your cheeks of embarrassment as you make some excuse to leave a party because your anxiety siren is going off.

Apologizing yet again for not being able to go to a concert. Crowds make you feel out of control.

The reassurance-seeking of significant others, only to apologize repetitively for it.

Apologizing when taking too long to leave the house because checking burners, outlets and hair wands takes forever.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Do you know what though?

I’m not.

I am exactly zero sorry.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) has shaped me but will not define me. OCD has taken things from me, but it has left my heart compassionate. OCD has the tendency to bully and prod, but it also has taught me to hit back.

And I’m really just tired. I’m tired of saying sorry for something that isn’t my fault.

I have done counseling.

Neurofeedback.

Acupuncture.

Yoga.

Exposure therapy.

Breathing techniques.

Antidepressants.

And I’m here, in this place, hitting back. I will not say sorry to you for leaving your party because I have anxiety. I will not say sorry for correcting you when you say your closet is “a little OCD.” I will not apologize for needing a little extra reassurance when I feel terrible.

Because I’ve done the work. I’ve looked the devil right in the eyes and come out stronger.

I have OCD.

And no, I’m not sorry.

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Thinkstock photo by bruniewska