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To My Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, on How It's Affected Me

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Editor’s note: If you struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. To find help visit International OCD Foundation’s website.

Dear obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD),

You have managed to take the most simplistic things in life and complicate them beyond their limits.

Sometimes I think you are gone, but you are always lurking behind a corner. Every time I try to leave you behind, you grip me harder. At times, I can see through your lies, your irrationality — and then you change your shape and form and we are back to square one. You make me doubt myself on a daily basis; I am in a constant state of confusion. You have made me feel powerless in my own mind; you take control of my every thought and every action. You have made me feel like a failure, unable to cope with the smallest of tasks in life. You leave me feeling exhausted. You take my days away by making me give into your ridiculous demands. You have ruined relationships, occasions and countless opportunities for me. You have inflicted so much pain on not only me, but also the people around me.

There was a time when I believed you — a time when I thought just one more touch would do it. You made me believe that by carrying out a compulsion, in return you would give me safety, security and good health. You would make everything seem OK for a short time. But no amount of time I spent touching, counting and seeking reassurance was ever good enough for you. You always wanted more. Every time I thought I could relax, you would come back into my mind again. For a while, I carried on giving in, until I started to resist and you became more of a monster than I ever thought you could be. I try and try to push you out of my mind but you always reappear stronger, crashing in like a dark and dangerous wave when I am not expecting you.

You are not me and I am not you.

We have spent a long time together, you and I, but not for much longer.

You may be winning the battle, but I will win the war.

Follow this journey on the author’s blog.

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Getty Images photo via Tay Jnr

Originally published: November 30, 2017
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