I have been through tons of bs in my life....I was able to survive and maintain a cold exterior. in the past year I had to for my own sanity cut my mother and siblings out of my life. I quit a job I loved for amazing money, which I ended up leaving shortly behind starting. My saving grace through being unemployed( due to now being extremely over qualified), losing my entire family, and having to split my kid on the holidays is my amazing ever so present boyfriend. Since I began the nightmare job anger has arose in me like I never felt before. I take it out on this guy that I doesnt deserve it like a "kick the dog" effect. I have no idea why I start the stupid shit I say. I am diagnosed with #obsessiveconpulsivethoughtdiaorder #PTSD and #ADD with a touch of #abandomentissues . He wanted to leave me tonight. That's when I found these apps. He is fed up with my continual insecurities of my ex rubbing off on him. The poor guy cant look at his fb without me accusing him of looking at other woman. If he wants to go cut his hair and takes too long I assume he is cheating on me. My logical mind knows that none of this is true but I begin to ruminate when left alone to my own devices. i become suspicious and aggressively verbally attack him. i start fights and he states every other day that i am going to start a fight. He is generally right he says he can see it. i do not or shall i say did not previously feel it coming on. once it starts I cannot control it it becomes an avalanche of harsh words and things only designed to hurt him. He has flaws but they are way less than mine.
I believe mine come from an entire string of abuse mostly the one from my mother who was emotionally abusive and a borderline disability. I need advice. how do I stop this how can I make this end? I cant afford to lose him he deserves the better part of me.