To My Mom Who Gave Me Strength While My Preemies Were in the NICU

Much of how I operate as a busy — often frazzled — twin mom to 3-year-old toddler boys is due in large part to my own amazing mother.

Often I refer to her as my “angel on earth.” That’s because she is; she always has been.

My 37-year memory bank is full of moments when my mom lent me her own strength and gave me the guidance to deal with things that tested my own ability to cope and succeed.

But the most pivotal moment and memory of my mom, Norma, comes from the night I was discharged from the hospital and forced to leave my preemie twins in the NICU.

I remember taking Noah and Nikoh out of their incubators and kissing them goodnight, then sticking my arms into their incubators to caress their tiny bodies one last time before I left for the night. Prior to this moment I spent every day, around the clock, in the NICU staring at them, watching them grow slowly, whispering “I love you” to them countless times and telling them how proud their dad and I were of them.

For five days as I recovered from my emergency c-section, I was stationed only down the hall from the NICU. Now I had to go home. Nothing could have ever prepared me for that type of immense sadness and guilt.

As I walked out of the NICU and into the hallway, I was surrounded by my husband, my sister and my mom. They were each telling me how my boys, who were born at 29 weeks, were in amazing hands with the NICU doctors and nurses and reminded me that in a few short hours I would be back at the NICU again.

Preemie moms understand that heart-wrenching feeling. It’s hard to describe the severity of it unless you’ve lived it in some way. My precious boys only a few days old, weighing only 3 pounds, so fragile, so brand new, and it hurt to walk away from the NICU.

But there my mom was right beside me like she has always been. She hugged me just as I felt my legs almost collapse underneath my body. She hugged me tighter than I ever remember. She let me cry, she felt my tremendous pain, she helped walk me out of the hospital to the car and she reassured me over and over and over again that my babies would be OK.

And they were. She was right.

That first night was torture. It didn’t get much easier to leave them in the NICU over the course of the next month, but I knew it was where my boys needed to be during those early days of their lives.

I often reflect on those early NICU moments because as a mother to premature twins, they never really leave your mind or heart. So in celebration of May being a month dedicated to moms, I just thought I would publicly thank my mom for the strength she gave me at my greatest moment of weakness and despair.

Thank you, Mom for not minimizing my feelings, for relating to my pain wholeheartedly and for once again giving me your strength to be strong for my boys.

I will never forget it.

Follow this journey at reportertotwinmom.com.

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