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The Sex Question I Was Uncomfortable Asking as a Woman With a Disability

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Editor's Note

Any medical information included is based on a personal experience. For questions or concerns regarding health, please consult a doctor or medical professional.

I need to start by stating that I am not a doctor. I am a Pure Romance consultant and sexual health educator. I am also a woman with spina bifida and neurogenic bladder. I had a lot of questions as I became sexually active. I had no one to ask. I wasn’t comfortable as a young woman asking my family these questions and I wasn’t always comfortable bringing it up to my doctor. One of those questions was “Am I urinating during sex, or is this female ejaculation?”

Every time I would have sex, I thought I was peeing myself. I was extremely embarrassed. My boyfriend (whom I later married) would tell me it was OK, but I still felt embarrassed and I wanted to stop it. I wondered to myself…” Was it due to bladder problems from spina bifida? Was it due to some early sexual trauma?” When I asked my urologist about it, I was just told to go to the bathroom before and after sex. I would do that, but it wouldn’t work. Then on days when I knew I was going to be sexually active, I would avoid drinking anything for most of the day. I would nearly dehydrate myself in hopes of enjoying sex without wetting the bed. It would still happen. My boyfriend told me about female ejaculation, but no doctor had ever mentioned it to me. I wish they had.

Today there are plenty of medical journals that will give you information on female ejaculation. Female ejaculation can also be referred to as “squirting” or “gushing” during or before orgasm. Many women ejaculate from a G-spot orgasm. All women have a G-spot. The G-spot is located a few inches inside the vagina on the front wall (same side as
the belly button). It is different for every woman, but it is in that general area. The best way to locate it is to insert two fingers into the vagina and make a “come hither” motion.

The beautiful thing I have learned is that I am not alone. Squirting during sex wasn’t necessarily due to spina bifida and it wasn’t due to any trauma. Other women who do not have disabilities also experience female ejaculation, particularly when experiencing a G-spot orgasm. Many women start to have a G-spot orgasm and they feel the need to urinate, so they stop having sex. If you have this issue, it is advised to go to the bathroom before you have sex, and then while having sex, if you start to feel the urge to pee, fight the urge to stop. Keep going. Continue having your fun and you may have a G-spot orgasm. Some women have them. Some women do not. G-spot orgasms are often the most intense type of orgasm a woman can have. Many women love them. For other women, these orgasms can be too intense, and they do not like them. Some women enjoy squirting. Some men enjoy being with a woman who squirts. Some women who do not squirt wish that they could, and they try to find a “magical” way to make themselves squirt.

Since I have become a Pure Romance consultant and have talked with other women with spina bifida, it seems that many of them report squirting and/or urinating during sex. So, it is possible that it could be both ejaculate and urine.

I learned through experience that sex for me requires some planning ahead. I need tell a potential partner about squirting before I have sex with them. This avoids any embarrassment during or after sex and avoids any resentments afterwards. By talking with a new partner, I can find out if they are not comfortable with the idea of squirting and we can choose not to engage in sexual activity. It is a difficult topic to bring up with a new partner and figuring out the right moment to bring it up can also be tricky, but it’s important to have the discussion beforehand. I look at it this way… If I am comfortable enough with this person to have sex with them, then I should be comfortable enough to have this hard discussion beforehand. If I don’t have the discussion beforehand, I may be setting myself up for a very negative discussion afterwards. I’ve been there. Done that. It’s not pleasant and it can be harmful for my self-esteem. It’s not something I want to experience again.

I have also learned that spontaneous sex, or sex in spontaneous locations like in a car or on a sofa, is not smart for me. I need to prepare for sex by placing down towels and a mattress protector ahead of time. If I am going to a partner’s home or a hotel, I need to bring those items along with me. I need to go to the bathroom before having sex. Planning just a few small steps prior to sexual activity can eliminate my anxiety, and it allows me to be present in the moment to fully enjoy the sexual experience.

I am not a doctor, so I do not know all the answers. Is it urine, female ejaculation, or both? I still don’t know. I just know that it is my body’s physical response during sexual activity. I have learned to accept it and embrace it. I have learned to plan for it and I have learned to choose partners who are accepting of it. Two years ago, by being open and honest and planning ahead of time, I found a wonderful new partner. He and I have been very happy together ever since. He loves me and is very accepting of all aspects of me, including my sexuality and my disability.

Getty image by ND 3000.

Originally published: March 26, 2018
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