Abuse

I'm the trifecta of evil... Gay trans and pagan. Half the room wants me in their bed or their blanket fort and the other half wants me in a grave. Fun times. But no lemme tell you something. I've had knives and guns pulled on me. I've been chased with a gun in the subways of Chicago so late at night nobody was available to help me. I've been raped by straight men who wanted to degrade me for having tits. I had been beaten by my dad for wanting to "mutilate" my body 4 months before he died.
I was so happy when he died. My mom and their 2 biological daughters went to pay respect and I was not allowed to go say goodbye. Not that I care. But they forced me to wear a dress. I was gigantic and looked like a man in a dress. It was humiliating.
Dear mom. Listen up bitch , this is my Master class. When I nicely ask you to address packages to Nox Caelum, it's a matter of safety. My neighbors know me as Nox. If they see a package for my apartment to a different name we gon have a teensy problem.
I give you the kind version of me asking for my identity to be respected. Once. After that I assume it is an aggression and disrespect to me. And I'm not giving warnings. I will simply cut you out of my life. Like I did a month ago. Which is why I'm turning to the mighty for a place to vent. Because you don't deserve a spot in my life.
#Family #Abuse #LGBTQ

Out of the dark, painfully back to me….

(part one posted below.. please start there)

I added up all the days (and hours)  combined that I have lost spent in different forms of healthcare due to being HIV+ after my diagnosis. It ended up being full months of my life, 24 hours each day combined. Days and days of clinic appointments, specialist appointments, procedures and surgeries, hospital stays, therapy, attending support groups, endless conversations and more. I had these surgeries & procedures numerous times as a direct result of my attack. I suffered through fears every time I dealt with health challenges I have had to deal with: Thrush; C-deficile eight times often losing a week or more out of my life recovering; Shingles two times, including being hospitalized for a month when I was very lucky that I didn’t lose vision in one eye. I had them on that side of my face that ended looking like Elephant Man;  and Bronchitis over twelve times that I even began to diagnose myself. I have learned quite a bit about medical information, terms, symptoms and solutions, even equipment, testing, and trials. I’ve also had Pneumonia. Each time I had Pneumonia I was immediately hospitalized for days, treated as if I had PCP Pneumonia which was very intense and overwhelming. PCP pneumonia was one of what they called an opportunistic infection that killed thousands of people that were HIV+ in the early years of the virus.

And the worst was Neuropathy. Neuropathy first led to tingling digits, then very cold feet and hands, then the “shooting pins and needles” … which is an accurate description of the sudden pain out of nowhere that felt like stabbing needles, over and over. Then my legs went numb from my toes up to my knees. When this happened I was actually thankful that the stabbing feeling stopped. When the Neuropathy peaked my fingers also got numb and I would wake up to a frozen jaw. I ended up bedridden for 9 months and was told I may never walk again. I was blessed to have a family friend, who was an AIDS provider and researcher, recommend a change of meds that saved my life. Today I still deal with Neuropathy with pain even after a short workout or walk.

I had fears of death and dying for over 20 years, didn’t think I’d live to be 25 (I’m 61 now) then I had horrible PTSD, then incredible Survivors Guilt after losing so many friends, yet still being here myself. I have been through decades of seeing Psychiatrists, Psychologists, therapists, and social workers from a life turned upside down for 41 years. For years I was reminded of my plight every time I took my meds, saw a doctor, felt physical pain or felt lost and confused. The fact that being diagnosed with HIV/AIDS was considered a death sentence back in the late 80’s/early 90’s wasn’t just a shadow for me, I also watched people succumb to the virus one by one, way too many, with way too much pain. Now those of us who are Long Term Survivors thankfully are still alive, yet deal with all kinds of emotional and physical challenges that continue as we enter our middle age years still alive ... but still HIV+.

Today if treated HIV is basically a chronic disease, take your meds, you’ll be just fine. People just diagnosed today in their teens or 20’s will not know anything of what we Long Term Survivors went through…will never understand the fear, worry, pain and emotional and physical turmoil we went through in the early days. Will not have to fear for their lives. Will not know what it was like to watch as others diagnosed HIV+ died one after another, all around us!

So sadly I remember that night now, that fateful night when I was given no chance, and clearly was raped.That criminal changed my life forever. He took an action that screams abuse, violence, and unwanted selfish disrespectfulness! In the age of the “Me Too” movement my story is not nearly unique, I share it because it’s not just about me. The stories of men raped by men goes way beyond priests and current sex offenders. Men like my attacker walk by you on the street, on the subway and at work every day. I hope I can raise awareness and people can not only make healthier choices but also if attacked hopefully work through the shame and come out and tell their stories too.

Moshe Mark Adler
July 9th, 2017
Current edit, September 12, 2026

EPILOGUE- in re-reading this while I edited it a few years ago, I realized that hopefully my sharing this on my personal FB page where I have 1,400+ followers would be the last step so I could move on. Bottom line I have HAVE NOT gone searching for him. I also realized that I haven’t struggled with this anger anymore. Maybe that was the next step towards forgiveness...maybe Karma will catch up with him. Then I had a weird thought, I had never considered if he was still alive. If I did get infected by him in 1985 for many POZ folks at that time it WAS a death sentence. Actually odds are he’s no longer with us.I’m one of the lucky ones to be a Long Term Syrvivor all these years later!

Maybe I had to “forgive” myself for the shame?!? Once again, writing can be very therapeutic and cathartic for me and sharing is important, because over the years I have been told that I don’t just write for myself...in some of my writing I am a voice for so many other Long Term Survivors, in some I’m the voice for so many friends I’ve lost to the virus that can no longer tell their stories. In this piece I write for other victims of abuse!

Today I have come to the point where it’s just part of my journey, one of the experiences I have had, trauma yes, but it’s also in my past. In regards to this instance Instead of continuing to think of myself as a victim, I now think of myself as a survivor. No one can take my power away from me. Instead, I can just stop, reflect, own, learn and grow. That’s how I choose to see it all now. I’d rather relish all the good things that I’ve experienced in my life and give thanks I’m still here to keep experiencing them!

You failed to protect me, and taught me to survive. You tried to save me, but I made it alive. You never knew how I would protect you, and him, then them. My loyalty was already my fate. It was all too late. The silence. The defeating silence. The violence, the brutal body violence. The harm. The harm undone. Witnessed with innocent eyes and muted ears - my souls still with fright and wonder - too young to understand it before mind could cope. What is it that matters. I have both hands bloody despite how I wash my face. I’ll never understand what took place in the midst of a child’s grace. Xo #Trauma #Abuse #PTSDSupportAndRecovery

Today, I made the decision to spend less time with a family member. It’s for my own wellbeing. She has a pattern that hurts. When she’s mad about something or just angry with life in general, she cuts off our relationship. It happens a lot. She’s done it twice over this summer. The first time was 4 weeks long. The second time was 3 weeks. When she ‘gets over it’, she tells me she’s ready to be sociable again. I’m supposed to pretend everything is fine. No discussion.
You may be thinking she’s going through something or dealing with depression. I get that. I do. But I never get an ‘I’m sorry.’ And the abandonment feelings I suffer hit hard.
So, I won’t put my life on hold. I will no longer worry that I’ve done something wrong. I struggle too. And I can never depend on her to be there for me. I won’t end the relationship. She’s my sister. But I will protect me. For most of my life, I’ve had no one. My mom was my abuser. I took the abuse and battled PTSD and all that comes with it. 8 years ago, I found a wonderful therapist and I also found The Mighty. I have formed bonds with both that I had never experienced before. I realized, over this summer, that I also have someone else. I have ME. And I am enough.

If you are navigating the aftermath of a toxic or painful relationship, the process of healing from relationship trauma can help you to reclaim fulfillment and reestablish your own sense of self. Confidence, agency, autonomy, and even things like personal preferences can become diluted or abandoned after a traumatic or abusive relationship. The weight of certain emotional experiences (including family and relationship dynamics going back to childhood) can feel heavy, often showing up long after the relationship end. This may present as anxiety, panic attacks, difficulty trusting others, or struggling with closeness and intimacy, and more. While these reactions are common from the residue of a traumatic relationship, it is possible to eventually start embracing healthier relationships and intimacy and finding fulfillment again.

The Reality of Emotional Wounds

Relationship trauma isn’t always related to physical abuse. It often stems from repeated psychological and emotional experiences like gaslighting or betrayal. After continuous painful interactions, your mind learns to constantly brace for the next incident. This can leave you feeling on edge, anxious, and exhausted, even when nothing is happening. You might find yourself overanalyzing text messages, catastrophizing, or feeling a surge of panic when someone raises their voice or you start to sense anger or disappointment from them. This survival mode likely served as a necessary way to protect yourself in the previous relationship. However, while necessary then, in the aftermath of the relationship it may now be more of an obstacle to moving forward.

It makes sense that the tendency would be to stay guarded when you've been hurt. While it is useful and important to remain aware of things like red flags when meeting new people, there's a line where the guard might start to erode intimacy and leave you feeling unfulfilled in new and current relationships that aren't toxic or traumatic. Learning where this line (and other lines) are for you is an important part of healing from relationship trauma.

Rebuilding Your Internal Foundation

After a complicated relationship, people can often lose touch with their own sense of self because those feelings were ignored for so long. When in a toxic or traumatic relationship, people can disregard their own needs to the point of not knowing what they are anymore. It may have become difficult to have any room to make decisions, to embrace autonomy, to say "no", to do things like eating what you want to eat, have hobbies, and more. When in a controlling, abusive, or toxic relationship, people can often shrink and shed parts of themselves in order to take care of the partner who may become abusive (emotionally or physically), angry, neglectful, etc. It is important after a relationship like this to rebuild a sense of self, and regain (or gain for the first time, perhaps) self-confidence and a sense of agency and autonomy that a traumatic relationship has a way of diminishing.

As you move forward from a toxic relationship, you may start to see a shift in how you view connections—away from something scary or daunting, and towards something that can be hopeful and exciting. Part of healing from relationship trauma involves learning what a healthy, secure attachment looks like. This is where therapy often comes in for people who have been through relationship trauma. Many people haven't had healthy relationship dynamics before in their lives, going back to family life growing up. Discovering who you are, learning and developing your own boundaries, and understanding what you don't want in your life are all parts of the process of healing.

Finding Meaning

As you continue to heal, some days may feel like several steps forward, while others might feel like a step back. This is normal as you work through the impact of a painful relationship. Overall, the process of healing aims to keep old memories and painful emotional experience from controlling your current and future happiness. These old and painful memories don't only live in the conscious mind, but also unconsciously and in the body. For example, when intimacy starts to present itself, you may not being consciously thinking, "I don't want this," but after a traumatic relationship you might find yourself recoiling at the possibility of intimacy, wanting to run away from the relationship, or trying to avoid moments that could lead to intimacy or any perceived threat or pain. These patterns are common after relational trauma, and where the attention is needed as you heal.

You don't need to be alone in this. It can often take the help of an outside view to see the patterns or refine dynamics we've carried over the course of our lives.

#Relationships #Trauma #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PanicAttacks #PTSD