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I’m new here!

Hi, my name is Madison. I have BPD and Bipolar. Crazy childhood and never stable. I am in a good relationship but sometimes it’s hard to be okay with being happy if that makes sense. like sometimes even if things are okay, it’s like I am unsure if I am convincing myself it’s okay or if I am actually finally okay. one day say I love my man and the next I want to say that my instability is caused from him or Look for reasons that I might be settling or sometimes I even make up reasons why he would be better off with out me or etc…..if someone relates, reach out. it seems the only peace I get sometimes is when I am alone with my pets outside or just alone period.

#MightyTogether #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ADHD

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bipolar disorder is a bitch

i was 14 when my symptoms first started to manifest.
i was a very unstable teen which had several mental breakdowns where i was feeling really really good for like weeks and then all of a sudden the world would turn black and white and felt like there was no escape from that state.
at a certain point my family and my friends started to notice that there was something that wasnt working for me but they just kept telling me that i was changed and that they were there for me if i would’ve liked to explain what the problem was.
i told them multiple times that i didnt know what was happening because i really didnt have problems in my life and that was the thing that was making me so worried.
i started to tell my parents that i would’ve liked to see a psychologist (which i am now seeing secretly) but they were too old to understand the matter of mental health, neither they believed in mental disease so they always tried to change my mind by saying that during adolescence its okay to feel confused as my body and my personality were changing to evolve in adulthood.
so i tried to ignore all my ups and downs , i tried to cover them as better as i could but it was very very difficult for me because i was living in a way that wasnt real, always wearing a mask to reassure them.
i am now 21 years old, and my mental health has now degenerate, ive never felt so incostant.
some days i wake up and i cant wait to start my day to do millions of things: i have plans, i draw, i dance, i sing, i dont even need to sleep or eat because i’ve got this energy i cannot explain.
and then, again my life starts to look a mess, where nothing goes the right way, i dont want to leave the bed, i cry, suicidal thoughts run through my head and nothing seem to have sense because i realize that i will never be better and i will live forever trapped in this tiring cycle.
last time i had a manic episode was last christmas: i couldnt sleep at all, i started drinking alcohol almost every day and became really defiant and contentious, i ended my relationship, i told my bestfriends to take distance from me because i was so mad at them and didnt want to talk or see them.
after a few days i went out from that phase and i started to realize what i did and the sense of guilty didnt let me sleep for weeks because i was feeling alone and i felt like i deserved it.
bipolar disorder is a bitch.

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Understanding the Changes

Life has changed for me, since 2022, my husband got a concussion, which was one of many others that he has over time, he is now in a treatment center and has been there for 2 month so far and he said he may have to live on his own because he has a bad anger issues from this, I feel like everything that was normal is no more, I am going out doing the things that I used to, but feel odd now, because I have a book club and other clubs that I belong to, my husband hasn’t been the greatest person in our relationship, he felt emancipated because I was making the money and he always struggled and would lose money, and it really bothered him, he has a lot of issues he is trying to work through from his past. The thing is I am looking at myself constantly blaming myself, because I also had no respect for my husband, because he did a lot of things that hurt me, he has a lot to of self fixing to do, but I am at a low point, and I have only told one of my friends all the things that have happened, I feel guilty for even telling her. It’s just really hard to take a step forward each time, I was hoping if there were people experiencing the same, maybe I could learn their coping strategies. I have joined a yoga class, and make it a point to visit one person at least on the weekend! I see a therapist and a hypnotist to help me get my confidence back. My girlfriend says I am grieving a loss, but it’s hard. I am working, trying to keep moving forward, but it’s really hard, I still need to keep going and maintaining normalcy.

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The label “toxic”

I believe this word is harmful to the mental health community. It was coined by authors who meant well, but were coming from their own experiences in childhood that formed biases towards how they saw people with mental illness. When words like “ toxic” are used to describe someone, they are no longer seen as human, the same as the word, “evil”.

When we use humanizing words such as a “person suffering from mental illness”, a “dysfunctional family”, “poor parenting skills”, “generational trauma”, we are seeing the root of the problem, rather than blaming the victims.

This by no means is dismissing the pain and trauma someone suffered as the result of growing up in a dysfunctional family system, or excuse anyone’s poor behavior. It doesn’t invalidate anyone’s feelings either, everyone is entitled to their feelings. What it does do, is allow the individual and future generations to understand the underlying issues, so they can get the care they need to heal without stigmatizing the very illnesses they have inherited or developed as a result. Now, I know this is very hard to do, to not use these words in our vocabulary. I am guilty myself and catch myself often. When I do, I bring awareness to it and remind myself that these words are not helpful for anyone. It’s especially hard when I am really angry, or have a flashback, to not regress to labeling others and stigmatizing my own community.
Self awareness is often painful, but always enlightening and ultimately healing.

#selfawareness
#destigmatization
#PTSD
#c -PTSD
#Relationships

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Toxic situations

It hurts... it really does. Even today, I see that this "love" in a toxic setting is causing someone close to me to become bitter (at least from my vantage point). It is painful because I find myself giving up on love many times over because of how "painful" it is. It's confusing. I have a deep craving for fulfilling relationships, but I can't bring myself to be open up sometimes. I feel lonely around other people, being alone feels safe, but there is still an emptiness from within. I honestly believe that certain traumas are so internalized to the point that it really is like your body is poisoned. Not knowing love in a normal setting, or anything in a normal way, has crippled me emotionally. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

32 reactions 12 comments
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Living through Narcistic Behavior

#TraumaSurvivors Hi I am trying to find the right group to join, I'm not sure if this is it, but I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks and need support. I actually went there because I thought I was being like my Mother who is a severe narcissist, I have a husband who I have been with for 37 years, and he tries to be a good person and wants to be liked, I told him in the beginning of our marriage if I act like my mom at all, please stop me in my tracks, so I have not had much respect for my husband, which is what my Mom was like with my Father, the reason I don't respect my husband is because he lies all the time, and tells stories that are really over the top, and I just never felt he respected me either, with my work, I am a professional that works a lot, only because I need to make sure the bills are paid, so he has always made it easy for us to get a head, he lost money with his own business, and now has been off for nearly 2 years because of an illness, he has had so many ailments over the years, it never stops, but he also will not help himself to get better, so it frustrates me to no end, I have told him many times over that people would like him if he was just real, and don't need to make yourself more then you are, but he doesn't change, he now is in a fulltime treatment facility, and going through all kinds of therapy, he is starting to see his ways, and really opening up, which I have never experienced in our whole marriage, so now I am living alone struggling with blame on myself, every time I see him, I have a setback, he said I was really controlling with where we go who we see and when, the reason I did that was I was embarrassed, that he would start with the stories and lies, he doesn't have a lot of male friends, and flocks to the females all the time, he has cheated on me over and over, I am not sure if physically, but has been on dating sites with many ladies that he says treat him better than I do, he said that he was emancipated by me, because I make more money than him and that is not how he is raised, and so unconsciously did these things because of that. I know this sounds crazy, but I honestly, pick things out to blame myself, I definitely raised my children completely different then the way my Mom did, so I am proud of the relationship we have, but I am not sure if I was the same with my relationship with my husband, did I push him this way?

2 reactions 2 comments
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Needing advice and/or reassurance

Hi everyone,
I wrote about two weeks ago, but it seems as though my piece did not post. I did not receive a single reply, but I am in need of advice and reassurance.
The past five years have been extremely difficult for me. I have been diagnosed with many diagnoses. C-PTSD, OCD, depression, anxiety, panic, adjustment disorder, codependency, etc. that actually helped me to better understand myself, but it doesn’t make each day any easier.
On top of all that, I have been in a relationship with a man who had lived a double life, lied to me about everything, everytime I mentioned something was hurting me, he would do just that, back in October he gave me a severe concussion, that same day he did something I asked him not to instead of taking care of me. He blamed me for everything that he did, that his ex did. He painted me as a terrible person.
I know everything with him hasn’t felt right and this is where codependency has come into play. He is due to move out. I am terrified he is once again going to paint me as a terrible person. He has not seen his own children in 4 months and I fear he is going to move out and blame me for everything. I don’t want to be put through all that again.
I spent my life making a name for myself just for him to come into my life and destroy me. Rip everything from me. No self esteem. No self worth. Nothing. I had nothing! I don’t know how to move forward and not worry about what he may do.
I know I need to focus on me and my child. I know what should be but all my diagnoses prevent me from moving forward, letting go, accepting.
I am due to begin a new job in a couple weeks and I am stressed about how to handle the above situation on top of figuring out what to do with my child when I am at work. I am a single parent and have been since prior to the birth of my child.
I am stressed beyond belief. I am extremely anxious. I need help. I need support.
Please help. ❤️

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