#ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #Abuse #MentalHealth I (30M) am from a Muslim country, and I’ve been supporting a close friend (F25) who confided in me about a disturbing experience she had. I believed her from the start, but lately, I’ve been caught in a loop of confusion and doubt. I need some clarity to make sense of it all.
Before diving into my# friend's situation, I want to share something about my own past. I am a survivor of sexual abuse. The person who abused me was someone both my family and I knew, someone I trusted. Over time, I began to remember the tactics used on me—slowly gaining my trust, isolating me, and manipulating me. These tactics are common in grooming situations, and they resonate with me deeply as I try to make sense of what my friend has gone through.
### Background and Initial Trust
We were close friends, and she recently came back into my life after 2 years. Eventually, she opened up about something that happened while we were apart.
She had a colleague, someone she considered just a friend. There was no romantic relationship between them before the incident. According to her, he was someone she trusted because he seemed like a genuinely nice person with no ill intentions.
### The Incident: Drugs and Confusion
At one point, he invited her on a trip, telling her not to tell anyone. She agreed, trusting him as a friend, with no romantic or physical history between them.
On the trip, he offered her drugs, claiming his friends had given them to him. Initially, she refused multiple times but eventually agreed, she says, because she trusted him. She had never done drugs before.
After taking the drug, she felt weak, blurry, and disconnected from her surroundings. She even said a glass of water fell from her hands because she couldn’t hold it.
She explained that the abuser initiated physical contact, and despite resisting 2–3 times with her arms, she felt too weak to continue resisting and gave up. She didn’t verbally consent. Everything was blurry, and she didn’t fully understand what was happening.
Later, she said she started to "like it" but believes that was probably the drug's effect. She also mentioned she thought he might be doing it out of love, but later realized that was just confusion.
### Continued Confusion and the Next Day
The next day, she felt drugged again. She said she had to lie down, feeling weak, and the same situation repeated. She wore a skirt that day because she believed the events of the previous day were due to the fact that the abuser loved her. She thought it was his love that was driving the situation, which led her to wear the skirt, even though she didn’t truly understand what was happening at the time.
After the trip, she continued to talk to him casually, asking what he was doing and where he was going, which makes me doubt what happened. However, I know that trauma can lead to continued contact, especially when the abuser was someone trusted.
### Abuser's Post-Trip Manipulative Behavior
Right after the trip, the abuser told her that she “assumes things” and “lives in a lala land.” He also claimed he was suicidal, even showing her a prescription for medication, suggesting that he was under extreme emotional distress. This raised red flags for her because if he was genuinely suicidal, why hadn't he mentioned it before the trip? Why was this only brought up afterward?
He continued to dismiss her feelings, saying, “These things happen,” as if it were all just a normal part of life and not something manipulative or abusive.
### Emotional Confusion and Realization
She told me she didn’t understand what happened at the time, only that her trust had been broken. She often said, “My soul is hurt,” or “My feelings were betrayed.” When I suggested that this sounded like SA (sexual assault), she went quiet. Later, she acknowledged that it probably was.
### **The Abuser's Manipulative Behavior**
The abuser later claimed that everything was consensual without being asked. He also told her not to tell anyone, warning that people would judge her. When she confided in me, he threatened her and asked why she spoke out. Who else she told about it.
At one point, the abuser apologized, but not for what happened. When she asked, “Sorry for what?” he responded, “Not for that.” She was confused and said, “What kind of apology is that?”
After I confronted the abuser on the phone, he threatened her again and asked why she had told anyone. He seemed upset and demanded to know who else she had spoken to. He continued to insist that everything was consensual, even though she hadn’t asked for or agreed to any of it. This was the only phone call I made to him, and after that, my friend asked me not to contact him again, fearing public shame and wanting to keep the matter from going further.
### Doubt and Confusion
I’ve asked her about all this repeatedly, and eventually, I asked her to swear by Allah if what she told me was true—and she did. She said there was no consent, no intention, and no relationship, and I believed her.
Here’s where I’m stuck: I think she was groomed, drugged, and gaslighted, but she hasn’t fully processed it yet. I’ve been through childhood molestation myself, and I can see that the tactics used on her match what was done to me. Still, I get confused. If she was drugged, why did she think it was love instead of recognizing it as assault, even the next day? Why did she seem emotionally unclear when she told me?
When she first told me, she was still confused, even asking what had happened. I did my own research and found that trauma bonding and grooming can make victims question reality. Survivors often contact the abuser to try to understand what happened or regain control over their confusion. That seems to fit with her experience.
### Repeated Doubts and the Struggle with Trust
Even though I logically know her story points toward SA and attempted R, and I believe her, I find myself spiraling with doubt again and again. Maybe it’s because my own PTSD is being triggered, and I’m overthinking every detail to protect both of us from more hurt.
But deep down, I know she wouldn’t have told anyone unless she needed help. She even told me she didn’t come back to get back together with him—she was confused and needed someone to talk to. I also know most people wouldn't open up in this much detail unless they were trying to heal.
### **Sharing My Own Abuse: The First Time I Told Someone**
I also want to add that I have my own history with abuse. I’ve never talked about it before, but my friend was the first person I confided in about my own experience with childhood sexual abuse. It’s difficult for me to process it, and I’ve been carrying the weight of it for so long. I’ve never really told anyone about the full extent of what happened to me, and sharing this with her brought up a lot of painful memories. I’ve struggled with how my trauma overlaps with hers, especially when I see her going through this. It makes me question whether I missed any signs or if I could have helped her more.
### The Reaction of Others: Blaming the Victim
I’ve shared this whole story with some people, and their responses have been disheartening. They acknowledged that what happened to my friend was terrible, but they still placed the blame on her. Not once did they blame the abuser. They said things like, “She shouldn't have trusted him” or “She could have walked away.” The focus was always on what *she* did wrong rather than recognizing the manipulation and betrayal she faced.
This is exactly what happened when I tried to tell my own mother about my sexual abuse. She questioned me, asking me why it happened, but she never once condemned the abuser. I felt like I was being blamed instead of receiving the support I needed..
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