Abuse

Hey. I’m new here.
I have a lot to say, and no one to talk too it feels like.
I’m used to having a best friend to vent too or a boyfriend.
It seems like, I’m just all alone now.

Just going to kind of give you a run down of what’s going on and what’s happened.
I’m 29 years old. I have never been diagnosed with anything. And, I’m not trying to diagnose myself with anxiety, depression, etc.

7th graduate-12th grade I lived with my great grandparents. My mom quit a very good job, got addicted to crack, my stepdad(at the time) beat on her and did some unspeakable things to me and my brother. My bio dad, was never in the picture.. although I also knew he was also in active addiction.

Three months after me graduating high school, I found out I was pregnant.
Before my daughter(my first born) had even turned 1, I found out I was pregnant with my son.

Same year my son was born, I married their father.
Couple months after being married, I realized I was super lonely. 😔 Didn’t have a lot of friends, I had my great grandparents. I went to see them daily. Other than that, no family. I let my mom start coming around.. first time ever. Since before I had kids.
She encouraged divorce. I was about 22-23 years old. I left. Left my marriage.. took my kids and set out for a better life(that didn’t happen🤦‍♀️) Not long after separating, I learned my husband was an addict.. I was alone all the time because he was out chasing a high. Total shocker to me.
I ended up, moving in with my mom and her new husband. Ended up started dating someone(worst mistake) MYSELF NOW WOULD BE SCREAMING TO MYSELF THEN, GO HOME GO FIX YOUR MARRIAGE. Anyways, lived with that dude at my mom’s for a year.
Ended up breaking up with him and moving out of there(there was a lot of drinking, fighting, and probably I’m assuming drugs involved) I didn’t want that life or to be apart of that, I moved back to my great grandparents.

After that, I started dating someone 12 years older than me. Really thought it was going to be great. He seemed so sweet and nice and honest.
NEWS FLASH! I was wrong! Why would I think that?

We stayed together, 5 1/2 years.
And, it was HELL. There was more downs then ups.
I dealt with abuse.. PHYSICAL, MENTAL, EMOTIONAL, FINANCIAL.
Complete narcissist.
I was completely codependent on him.
For so long I was scared to leave and not know what would happen if I did.
He has been in and out of jail.
His family is absolutely horrible to me.
Here’s an example, this is so awful you wouldn’t even think someone would do something like this… but this is how his family was. The first time I met his mom, before I could even speak my name, she walked up and uppercuts me in the nose. Total shock. Because I’m not a fighter, I’m not an aggressive person. So, I just got in the car(with blood all over my shirt) and left. This was before he started abusing me.
He started using drugs and drinking.( I thought we was so in love) I tried to get him to go to rehab, counseling, whatever it took. Nope. He never went. Things just got worse. So I would break up with him, put him out of my house. Because, I paid all the bills, I paid for the food, I had the car. Him being 12 years older than me, never once had a car longer than a month in our relationship. I actually bought him a car a year and a half ago, he got pulled over for reckless driving, the car I bought got impounded. I let it go. Through me breaking up with him, several times and putting him out. I would TRY to move on, and I would look for someone else to date or talk to. Even though, I broke up with him, he still considered that “cheating “. I’m not saying how I handled things was right, but idk. It was a lot of back and forth. So much hurt from me and him. Every day it was a fight. So many stories and I could go on and on.

Anyways, fast forward till now. I have not seen the man I was with for 5 1/2 years in over a month. The last time I seen him, he broke two of my fingers and busted a mirror in my car. So, I told him I would not see him another day in my life until he went and got help. I’ve “heard” he is at a hospital and he has fluid on his legs and feet. I do worry about him. Like I said, I’ve been codependent on him. I’m used to talking to him daily, even if it’s arguing. It’s odd to me, that I haven’t heard from him. Like, does this mean we are really done? And, I’m completely okay with that. Yes it will hurt, but we have been very toxic. Because I did say, if he didn’t get help or didn’t want help.. we just needed to cut ties because I couldn’t risk my life. He has 3 kids, his kids mother has popped back up in the picture, she hasn’t been around or anything for the last 13 years. So I’m wondering, if that’s why he’s just kinda disappeared, like maybe they are getting back together.

My kids dad and his girlfriend are having a baby.. next week she’s due. He is clean now. Which, every day I kick myself, because I wish I would have tried harder for our marriage and for him to get clean. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve been through a lot.

Thing is, what I’m struggling with.
Yes, I’ve made mistakes.
I don’t want to continue making the same mistakes, the people I’ve chose to date, weren’t right for me.
I’m not trying to date, or sleep around. I am genuinely trying to heal.
I do get lonely, don’t have anyone to talk too or go places with. It’s difficult. It’s difficult to accept, no one cares to know how your day went.
I just want advice, on how to let go of being so codependent. How to accept being alone. I feel like I have no family or friends now. How to redirect my thoughts, when I start feeling sad or lonely. Or when I want to go try a new restaurant, but I feel silly going alone.