Complex Regional Pain Syndrome

Have you ever felt uncomfortable in your own skin? I have. For most of my life in fact. Growing up I always felt so out of place and distant from my peers. I was, and quite frankly still am, the quiet and shy person whose mind is constantly occupied by anxious thoughts, fear, doubt, and sometimes shame. For a long time, I was never comfortable being myself because I was afraid of harsh criticism. I was scared of judgment, rejection, and expressing my sensitivity. I had no idea why I felt so different. Little did I know there were underlying issues that would go undiagnosed for years.

When I was a child, I remember being so embarrassed by any form of attention. For my fourth birthday, and yes, I still vividly remember this, I cried and threw a tantrum because classmates and family members were singing me happy birthday. I recall the sheer panic and utter embarrassment from being so sensitive, so frustrated, so angry even. My cheeks were flushed, my heart was racing, and I could essentially feel a numbness wash over me. It was a near traumatic experience for me in the sense that I felt heavy guilt and shame for acting out the way that I did.

During my teenage years I would act out in rebel against conforming to society. I dressed in black, listened to heavy meatal, and ignored the system. Deep down, I felt lost. I didn’t know who I was. I felt like I created this persona of a happy go lucky person on the outside, but in actuality, I was experiencing extreme inner emotional pain. I never wanted to appear overly dramatic, or being too much to handle, so I would suppress my feelings, and bury them deeply, hoping they would never resurface. But the saying, ignorance is bliss, only lasts for so long. And when my mind gets too cluttered, those emotions come out screaming, and I mean screaming quite literally. I learned that you can only carry so much before having a meltdown.

Into early adulthood, I hit a wall. I experienced a deep, dark depression that caused me to disassociate from reality and drown in my sorrows. I spent years just lying around, moping and sobbing into oblivion. Something had triggered me. Perhaps it was the overwhelm of trying to fit in, or the constant overthinking that usually made my brain swell. Either way, it was a time in my life that I wish to forget.

After feeling like I hit rock bottom, I finally made the right decision for myself. I sought out professional help. I was always against the idea of medicating myself. I just never wanted to succumb to the typical myths, “you’ll feel like a zombie,” “It’ll change your personality,” etc. Growing up I never really knew too much about mental health. It wasn’t really acknowledged or taught in schools (at least from my experience). So, I decided to do a little more research. I learned that I resonated with a lot of mental health issues, and that I could finally pinpoint why I felt the way I did for so long.

I decided to meet with a psychiatrist to get to the bottom of my core issues. At first, I felt a little dismissed because I was only diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I knew there was more to the story. But because I’m fearful of confrontation and speaking up for myself, I didn’t say anything. I was treated with medication, and I must say, it did help. It certainly didn’t erase depression or anxiety, but it was a small step toward healing.

After nearly a decade, I fought for myself to be evaluated for ADHD. I fought because I haven’t had the best of luck finding the right professional for me. So, sure enough when I was tested and diagnosed it all came together full circle. I had also self-diagnosed being on the spectrum because I carry a lot of the traits. But it was such a relief because I finally had the answers to what I had long been searching for, something that finally made sense.

Even though I was diagnosed later in life, I’ve found such a deeper connection to myself. At first, it’s somewhat difficult to take in, “Do I even know the real me?” I had been masking my whole life, and had created this character to play every single day just to blend in. It exhausted me. One day I realized that I was tired of holding up the mask. I decided to let it down, and I’ve never felt so free. I still mask in public sometimes, but when I’m by myself or around loved ones, I can breathe and just be me.

I’m more accepting of myself nowadays and I’m continually making growth, no matter how small. I’m healing one step at a time, and I’m getting to know myself all over again. What my likes and dislikes really are, what my strengths and weaknesses are. and what I truly want in life. Before this, I would always mimic others and adopt their interests as my own. Now, I feel more comfortable in my own skin, and I stand up for what I want, what I believe in, and the direction I want to go. I’m living life authentically, and for that, I couldn’t be more grateful.

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you.”-Paulo Cahelo

#ADHD #MentalHealth #ASD #RSD #Depression #Anxiety

Have you ever felt uncomfortable in your own skin? I have. For most of my life in fact. Growing up I always felt so out of place and distant from my peers. I was, and quite frankly still am, the quiet and shy person whose mind is constantly occupied by anxious thoughts, fear, doubt, and sometimes shame. For a long time, I was never comfortable being myself because I was afraid of harsh criticism. I was scared of judgment, rejection, and expressing my sensitivity. I had no idea why I felt so different. Little did I know there were underlying issues that would go undiagnosed for years.

When I was a child, I remember being so embarrassed by any form of attention. For my fourth birthday, and yes, I still vividly remember this, I cried and threw a tantrum because classmates and family members were singing me happy birthday. I recall the sheer panic and utter embarrassment from being so sensitive, so frustrated, so angry even. My cheeks were flushed, my heart was racing, and I could essentially feel a numbness wash over me. It was a near traumatic experience for me in the sense that I felt heavy guilt and shame for acting out the way that I did.

During my teenage years I would act out in rebel against conforming to society. I dressed in black, listened to heavy meatal, and ignored the system. Deep down, I felt lost. I didn’t know who I was. I felt like I created this persona of a happy go lucky person on the outside, but in actuality, I was experiencing extreme inner emotional pain. I never wanted to appear overly dramatic, or being too much to handle, so I would suppress my feelings, and bury them deeply, hoping they would never resurface. But the saying, ignorance is bliss, only lasts for so long. And when my mind gets too cluttered, those emotions come out screaming, and I mean screaming quite literally. I learned that you can only carry so much before having a meltdown.

Into early adulthood, I hit a wall. I experienced a deep, dark depression that caused me to disassociate from reality and drown in my sorrows. I spent years just lying around, moping and sobbing into oblivion. Something had triggered me. Perhaps it was the overwhelm of trying to fit in, or the constant overthinking that usually made my brain swell. Either way, it was a time in my life that I wish to forget.

After feeling like I hit rock bottom, I finally made the right decision for myself. I sought out professional help. I was always against the idea of medicating myself. I just never wanted to succumb to the typical myths, “you’ll feel like a zombie,” “It’ll change your personality,” etc. Growing up I never really knew too much about mental health. It wasn’t really acknowledged or taught in schools (at least from my experience). So, I decided to do a little more research. I learned that I resonated with a lot of mental health issues, and that I could finally pinpoint why I felt the way I did for so long.

I decided to meet with a psychiatrist to get to the bottom of my core issues. At first, I felt a little dismissed because I was only diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I knew there was more to the story. But because I’m fearful of confrontation and speaking up for myself, I didn’t say anything. I was treated with medication, and I must say, it did help. It certainly didn’t erase depression or anxiety, but it was a small step toward healing.

After nearly a decade, I fought for myself to be evaluated for ADHD. I fought because I haven’t had the best of luck finding the right professional for me. So, sure enough when I was tested and diagnosed it all came together full circle. I had also self-diagnosed being on the spectrum because I carry a lot of the traits. But it was such a relief because I finally had the answers to what I had long been searching for, something that finally made sense.

Even though I was diagnosed later in life, I’ve found such a deeper connection to myself. At first, it’s somewhat difficult to take in, “Do I even know the real me?” I had been masking my whole life, and had created this character to play every single day just to blend in. It exhausted me. One day I realized that I was tired of holding up the mask. I decided to let it down, and I’ve never felt so free. I still mask in public sometimes, but when I’m by myself or around loved ones, I can breathe and just be me.

I’m more accepting of myself nowadays and I’m continually making growth, no matter how small. I’m healing one step at a time, and I’m getting to know myself all over again. What my likes and dislikes really are, what my strengths and weaknesses are. and what I truly want in life. Before this, I would always mimic others and adopt their interests as my own. Now, I feel more comfortable in my own skin, and I stand up for what I want, what I believe in, and the direction I want to go. I’m living life authentically, and for that, I couldn’t be more grateful.

“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you.”-Paulo Cahelo

#ADHD #MentalHealth #ASD #RSD #Depression #Anxiety

Names changed three times since my official diagnosis!My condition worsened and spread, still the awareness is lacking! With November approaching I would like to start early….spread the word…stop the burn 🔥…..awareness started with a day turned into a month…..thing is the disease is 24/7 365 ….. ( 43 years nerves on fire 🔥) and year after year I hardly ever hear anything about it! Not on the news…sporting events…commercials nothing…I will wear my RSD/CPRS shirts all month long…..My contribution to awareness…I Know I’m not alone…..however that isn’t how I feel during awareness month,I feel ignored, pushed aside and very alone.

Lately, I’ve been feeling really alone. And it’s not just the kind of loneliness that comes from being by yourself—it’s the kind that happens inside my own head. I’ve been disconnected from the people I love, second-guessing every conversation, and replaying interactions on repeat. When this happens, and my thoughts get stuck, they start spiraling fast.

A short text from a friend all of a sudden becomes proof that something is wrong. A missed call feels like a sign that I’m unwanted. Silence expands into rejection. My brain takes a tiny seed of doubt and grows into a whole forest of “what ifs” and “they must not like me.” And once that story gets loud enough in my mind, it doesn’t matter how unrealistic it sounds—I believe it.

This happened recently with a close friend who lives out of state. We don’t talk as often anymore, except when one of us is back in town. I reached out the other day, and replies seemed short—just a “yeah” or “ok” here and there—though text can always be rather tricky to read. Still, I convinced myself it meant we were drifting apart. I created an entire story in my head: she was upset with me, she didn’t care about me anymore, maybe she didn’t even like me at all. I started going through the past, picking apart every little detail to find proof that she didn’t. And then, on top of all that, I felt ashamed for even thinking that way.

Other times, it’s little things—like sending a photo or a funny meme and getting no response for hours, if at all. My mind immediately jumps to worst-case-scenarios: Did I say something wrong? “Maybe they’re annoyed with me?” “Maybe they don’t like as much anymore.” Even when I know that’s highly unlikely, the feeling is so real it’s incredibly difficult to shake.

It’s this cycle that I get caught in: overthinking → self-doubt → shame → isolation. And it’s exhausting.

Sometimes it feels like my brain is working against me. I know logically that a short reply or a missed call doesn’t mean the end of a friendship. I know that people get busy, distracted, or tired. But knowing it doesn’t always make the feeling go away.

I’ve realized that this spiral ties into FOMO and RSD. Every pause in communication can feel like proof that I don’t belong, that people are moving on without me, or that I’ve done something wrong. Even when I know deep down it’s not true, my mind always convinces me otherwise.

Some days, it feels like I’m trapped inside my own thoughts, but then I remember that even if my mind is convincing, it’s still just my mind. Nothing harmful has actually been done. It’s rather preposterous to take an idea and run with it, but it’s just a part of who I am, and I’m learning to navigate it as best I can. And somewhere in the mess of overthinking, shame, and doubt, I’m still me. The me who laughs at silly memes, who texts friends even when it feels scary, who keeps trying even when the spiral wins.

“Overthinking leads to paralysis. Over-feeling leads to isolation. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is simply let things be.”-Unknown

#MentalHealth #Neurodiversity #SelfDoubt #emotional #ADHD #RSD #AutismSpectrum

Lately, I’ve been feeling really alone. And it’s not just the kind of loneliness that comes from being by yourself—it’s the kind that happens inside my own head. I’ve been disconnected from the people I love, second-guessing every conversation, and replaying interactions on repeat. When this happens, and my thoughts get stuck, they start spiraling fast.

A short text from a friend all of a sudden becomes proof that something is wrong. A missed call feels like a sign that I’m unwanted. Silence expands into rejection. My brain takes a tiny seed of doubt and grows into a whole forest of “what ifs” and “they must not like me.” And once that story gets loud enough in my mind, it doesn’t matter how unrealistic it sounds—I believe it.

This happened recently with a close friend who lives out of state. We don’t talk as often anymore, except when one of us is back in town. I reached out the other day, and replies seemed short—just a “yeah” or “ok” here and there—though text can always be rather tricky to read. Still, I convinced myself it meant we were drifting apart. I created an entire story in my head: she was upset with me, she didn’t care about me anymore, maybe she didn’t even like me at all. I started going through the past, picking apart every little detail to find proof that she didn’t. And then, on top of all that, I felt ashamed for even thinking that way.

Other times, it’s little things—like sending a photo or a funny meme and getting no response for hours, if at all. My mind immediately jumps to worst-case-scenarios: Did I say something wrong? “Maybe they’re annoyed with me?” “Maybe they don’t like as much anymore.” Even when I know that’s highly unlikely, the feeling is so real it’s incredibly difficult to shake.

It’s this cycle that I get caught in: overthinking → self-doubt → shame → isolation. And it’s exhausting.

Sometimes it feels like my brain is working against me. I know logically that a short reply or a missed call doesn’t mean the end of a friendship. I know that people get busy, distracted, or tired. But knowing it doesn’t always make the feeling go away.

I’ve realized that this spiral ties into FOMO and RSD. Every pause in communication can feel like proof that I don’t belong, that people are moving on without me, or that I’ve done something wrong. Even when I know deep down it’s not true, my mind always convinces me otherwise.

Some days, it feels like I’m trapped inside my own thoughts, but then I remember that even if my mind is convincing, it’s still just my mind. Nothing harmful has actually been done. It’s rather preposterous to take an idea and run with it, but it’s just a part of who I am, and I’m learning to navigate it as best I can. And somewhere in the mess of overthinking, shame, and doubt, I’m still me. The me who laughs at silly memes, who texts friends even when it feels scary, who keeps trying even when the spiral wins.

“Overthinking leads to paralysis. Over-feeling leads to isolation. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is simply let things be.”-Unknown

#MentalHealth #Neurodiversity #SelfDoubt #emotional #ADHD #RSD #AutismSpectrum