Loneliness

A week and a half ago I was permanently laid off from my work that I had been doing since January 2021. Prior to that I was in a layoff from travel since April 2020 because of the pandemic. I started a new job this past Wednesday.

My back is killing me. I feel numb and lack feeling about the job. I took it because I need a paycheque.

I’m going to be 45 next month. What is clear is that I am failing as an adult. My body is continually kicking me in the butt between anxiety attacks, panic attacks, IBS attacks, and just deep depression.

Medical help here is awful. I don’t trust any of them. I have no friends I can talk to and I won’t talk to my family because I feel brushed off.

I had been feeling hopeful for the future. Now I’m living minutr by minute.

I have lost 14 lbs in the past two weeks.

I want to run away.

I called in sick today. Legitimately. But still. I needed to heal before my next job but there isn’t the savings to allow for that. The pandemic has been expensive. When I woke up this morning I was incredibly nauseous and my spine, face, and legs felt numb.

This isn’t a happy post. I’m sorry about that. I just have no one else to say to how unhappy and scared I am. #AnxietyAttack #Depression #Loneliness #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #BackPain

It's another morning and the pain has woken you up once again. It's been a decade long journey that would involve several surgeries and eventually bi lateral orthopedic braces. You were able to keep a few friends but over the years you have lost more friends and relationships than you have.
You knew many years ago that this would happen people would stop asking you to gatherings or fun camping trips because 9 times out of ten you have to say no because of your condition..
The pain would eventually drive you mad and now you have to take antidepressants because you started hearing voices telling you to kill yourself and the stress of being on edge everyday.
You have never met such a formidable foe than chronic pain so you spend years and a bag of tricks trying to live and prosper within this living hell.
This is my story but other than a couple differences it is the story of millions of people world wide so that something you constantly hear,and maybe even say to yourself it could be worse other people have worse conditions.
Then one day you realize that the worst outcome of your neurogenic muscle atrophy is being paralyzed and now it's really serious your ability to walk and your ability to take care of yourself is at stake
All this is just compounded because now you have no friends and you can't leave the house unless it's Dr appointment or u have to do shopping.
I've never felt so alone in my life.
Im not the only one on this forum to feel this way how do others cope with the endless pain and endless loneliness? I'm out of ways to cope my tool box is empty would be nice if someone had some insight.🙂🌻 #ChronicPain #neurogenicmuscleatrophy #dusabled #Deoression #tactilealodynia

My time in the hospital was emotionally and physically exhausting. Although we only did light exercise- walking a lap around the ward- the mental toll of being hospitalized left my body tired. I colored and watched TV frequently, but I yearned for sleep, my mind and body aching for what my turbulent thoughts wouldn’t allow me.

I tell you all this so that you may glimpse what the behavioral health unit of a hospital feels like. Empty, sterile and full of apathy and a deep dread. It is a void carrying within it dozens of broken people.

It is so easy for me to remember the painful parts of my stay. The parts of loneliness and isolation. The parts where I was forced to wear scrubs because I was considered too high risk to wear my own clothes. The parts where someone watched me sleep to ensure I didn’t hurt myself in the night.

How did I get through this? How did I get through the embarrassment and humiliation and pure pain of being hospitalized for a mental health crisis?

Community. My parents, boyfriend and pastors called me daily. My friend wrote me a letter reminding me I “wasn’t crazy”. I got to know my fellow patients in the ward. We became a team, a mismatched family of sorts. Tied together by our grief and desire to leave.

But I was one of the lucky ones. Not everyone received phone calls every day. Not everyone had someone advocating for them on the outside. Not everyone’s family supported them. We say mental illness is invisible, but in that hospital I saw the very tangible evidence of it. I saw the broken communities, homes and people that desperately needed support but received none. I saw the way mental illness left people isolated, alone and helpless. It impacted their physical health, their communal health, their societal health. It left them aching and defenseless. It left them facing the world alone.

This serves to remind me of how much we need each other. How, without connection, our souls whither. We long to be known. Had I allowed myself to be known sooner, perhaps my story would be different. Regardless of how my story began, though, it was my community that changed how it ended. That kept me alive and lifted me up. May each of us know what it is to love one another, and may this push us all to bring about a deeper sense of relationship in our communities.###

The hospital is likely still cold and sterile, but my heart is not. My heart has been cultivated by the love of my community. I hope that yours will be, too.

4 Roles, Soudn of Music, Mary Poppins, My Fair Lady, Princess Diaries

An Immediate Family Member of mine emulated all these things, as for me, I floated into this house where puppets abound, Like the Lonely Goat Herd only A Large Boobed ethnic woman with a wreath of Flowers in her hair, sets and puppets made on site by another immediate family member, both female, Julie Andrews sang songs from Mary Poppins on top of the Hills to her Sound of Music co stars, we sing for our supper and have sang on the tops of those hills too, three times, Once in a bus blaring Sound of Music songs, did you know there is a mountain range called the Seven Dwarves but we don't want to emulate Malificent. My family member's role was a late nun, really, imagine that, it influenced her parenting style all through life. It always came on TV in the 80's and 90's at Christmas and Easter and us kids would drink Apple wine, sometimes with candles on the tree, and watch.

Next Role Mary Poppins, Chim chiminey chim chim cheroo, me and Bert always had a fireplace, Chimney sweeps come some times, we don't jump into paintings but we watch the buskers by the lake. We go to the fair, sometimes we jump into the street on which the fair takes place and live there for a few years, I am not a feminist Suffragette kinda mom, I dressed up as Mary one Halloween complete with Parasol, really, we always used to do crafts and cart dolls and toys to the pool park like Cinderella every day of the warm season for years, Made homemade baby food, used cloth diapers, that bag with everything in it, no but the cod liver oil with sugar of course, and the park with concerts on the dock while you climbed a tree or watched from the hill, High Park was it called, Secret spots, secret trees, Haunted park to walk through, Fantastical Chocolate Shop, Really

Hi, recently I was speaking to a family member about my pain and got suggested a service dog. This family member has often suggested using a wheelchair or walker to help me walk as I can find it difficult sometimes. I spend a lot of my time in bed due to my pain and find it difficult doing everyday activities like going to the shops, walking to the bathroom or going into school. I also suffer with severe anxiety as well and get lonely a lot. My mum works so when not being able to go to school I am left alone at home to try look after myself until she gets home. I don’t know if a service dog would be helpful and don’t want to take one away from someone who may need it more? We also live in a rented house so aren’t sure if my landlord would allow it. If anyone knows good charities in the UK which might have service dogs that will help with my conditions I would appreciate the help! Thank you! #Scoliosis #BackPain #Undiagnosed #Anxiety