Loneliness

I have multiple health issues. The main three are #POTS #EhlersDanlosSyndrome hypermobile type and #Fibromyalgia I have #Osteoarthritis , early disc degeneration and other spine and neck issues related to my hEDS.
I say "mine" because it is mine. The pain is mine. The experience of living with chronic illness is mine. The discouragement is mine as well. And, yes, I will claim the loneliness as mine, also.
None of us asked for this and I'm pretty sure most would want our health issues to be taken away, especially the pain.
But, do you know what is also mine? My choices. I can choose to praise God, even through the pain, or I can complain. I can choose to love my family, or let my pain overshadow the enjoyment of being a mom of many! I can choose to be compassionate to someone else's struggle or belittle their issues in comparison to my pain.
I can also choose to push myself or just accept my limitations and rest. I can choose to do my PT, eat right, take my supplements, ask for help and do things I enjoy.
Sometimes, the only thing I can do, is to lie on my back, in my bed or in the recliner and watch a movie with my children.
I did not choose my Trifecta of Misery, as I refer to my POTS, hEDS and fibromyalgia. But, I alone get to choose my experience with #ChronicIllness .

I saw a video recently where two people were talking about this topic and they blamed it solely on drugs, alcohol, smoking and bad choices, this is wrong, and a misunderstanding, It is mainly driven by our struggles with executive dysfunctions that permeate every area of life in a world designed for neurotypicals that have high executive functioning.

I want to talk about a topic that is very close to me. My aunt died in her sixties, aside from other health problems, the circumstance I believe were due to undiagnosed ADHD and lack of support, a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of judgements around her leading to critical isolation and preventable early death.

I made a good friend in the pandemic that I believe also was an undiagnosed ADHD woman in her late forties who died in similar circumstances that could have been prevented and mitigated due to the following 5 issues that ADHD people struggle with.

5 Reasons Why ADHD People Have a Shorter Life Span than Neurotypicals

Studies suggest that individuals with ADHD may have a shorter life expectancy compared to neurotypical individuals, primarily due to increased risks related to accidents, impulsivity, substance abuse, and health complications. Research indicates that:

On average, people with ADHD may live 8 to 13 years less than neurotypical individuals.

A 2019 study by Dr. Russell Barkley found that severe ADHD cases might reduce lifespan by up to 25 years in extreme cases due to poor self-regulation, increased stress, and unhealthy lifestyle choices.

The biggest contributing factors are higher rates of accidental injuries, risk-taking behaviors, obesity, and untreated mental health conditions.

However, proper diagnosis, treatment, and lifestyle changes (such as therapy, medication, exercise, and structured routines) can help mitigate these risks and improve longevity.

Would you like strategies to help improve life expectancy and health outcomes for ADHD?

Why Do ADHD Adults Have a Shorter Lifespan?

1. Executive Dysfunction & Life Management Struggles

Difficulty maintaining a livable environment (clutter, unsafe conditions).

Forgetting to eat properly or drink enough water.

Inconsistent hygiene and self-care routines.

Poor financial management leading to stress and instability.

Forgetting or mismanaging medication, missing doctor appointments.

2. Higher Risk of Accidents & Injuries

Impulsivity increases risk-taking behavior (reckless driving, not wearing seatbelts, unsafe sex, etc.).

Forgetfulness and inattention can lead to accidents, fires, injuries.

Difficulty following through on preventive health care (checkups, screenings,).

3. Chronic Stress, Burnout, & Mental Health Issues

ADHD is often accompanied by anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation.

Difficulty managing stress leads to higher cortisol levels, which contribute to heart disease and other health issues.

Overwhelm and burnout reduce motivation to take care of oneself.

4. Social Isolation & Support Gaps

Struggles with maintaining friendships and relationships.

Lack of a strong support system, which affects mental health.

Social rejection leads to loneliness, which increases mortality risk.

5. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Higher likelihood of using alcohol, smoking, drugs, or food to self-soothe.

Irregular sleep patterns and chronic sleep deprivation (which increases risk of cardiovascular disease, obesity, and diabetes).

Is It Just Poor Choices? No—It’s a Systemic Issue.

It’s not just about making "bad choices"; it’s about living in a world that isn’t designed for ADHD brains. Neurotypical life requires strong executive functioning, which ADHD people struggle with. This leads to constant small failures (missed bills, health neglect, disorganization), which add up over time and take a toll on both physical and mental health.

What Can Help?

Externalized systems: Reminders, alarms, habit trackers, accountability partners.

Simplified self-care: Small, sustainable habits instead of all-or-nothing thinking.

ADHD-friendly financial management: Automated payments, budgeting apps, financial therapy.

Preventative healthcare: Setting appointments in advance, pairing medication with daily habits.

Community & support: Finding ADHD-friendly groups like The Mighty, find an ADHD check in buddy, coaching, therapy, and social connections.

Would you say your struggles fall mostly in one category, or is it a mix of everything?

Emotional Processing

1. What's been the most challenging part of this transition/change for me?

Nox: Having to keep track of everything and make calls and coordinate appointments. The meds change has been pretty taxing. But the hardest part of all is having to put so much energy in without getting anything in return, such as going out and having fun.

2. How have I been feeling lately? Try to describe it in as much detail as possible.

Nox: Completely drained, feeling like I’m chasing my tail. The depression from the negative medical news is draining and I still have to put all my energy into going to appointments and talking to doctors so I can answer their questions. I feel like I’m trapped in my body. I feel like I have no exit from this roller coaster. I’m also extremely lonely.

3. What are some emotions that I've been avoiding or trying to suppress?

Nox: Panic and paranoia. Dread.

Coping Mechanisms

1. What coping strategies have I used in the past to deal with difficult situations?

Nox: Talking to friends and my therapist. Listening to music, cooking and baking, meditating, arts and crafts.

2. Are there any new coping mechanisms I'd like to try?

Nox: I’m curious about crocheting.

3. What self-care activities can I incorporate into my daily routine?

Nox: I can do more mindful tea rituals.

Reframing Perspective

1. What's one positive aspect of this transition/change that I can focus on?

Nox: Now that I know what’s happening, I can focus on treating the underlying problems.

2. How can I reframe my negative thoughts about this situation?

Nox: I have good doctors that are taking good care of me.

3. What would I say to a friend who's going through a similar experience?

Nox: I would ask them what I can do to best support them through this trying time.

Goal Setting

1. What's one small goal I can achieve today to help me feel more in control?

Nox: I can schedule transportation to Binson’s for Monday so I can get the compression stockings.

2. What's something I've been putting off that I need to tackle?

Nox: The only thing I’ve been putting off is getting the compression stockings.

3. What's one step I can take today to move forward?

Nox: Delete number three.

Self-Compassion

1. What would I say to myself if I were a compassionate friend?

Nox: Let’s go out for coffee.

2. What's one thing I can do today to practice self-care?

Nox: I’m gonna make a really special coffee drink today.

3. What's something I'm proud of accomplishing, no matter how small it may seem?

Nox: I did really well in the Draw Me school when I was younger

I tried getting up earlier than I normally do since I'm unemployed. I was able to start my day earlier but its hard to be "proud" of myself because I didn't do much throughout the day. I was, however, able to make an appointment to see a doctor and hopefully see an endocrinologist about my thyroid. (I might also talk about antidepressants). I was also called today for another job interview. They called today and I had the interview today. During the short call I didn't get a good "vibe" but I went anyways. I seriously thought I dont want this job, but I was going to at least get more experience with interviewing. I noticed I was starting to judge the people at the office very harshly and I don't like that about myself. At the end, I left thinking I would feel good working there if I am hired.
I also went to the dog park by myself. I noticed that one of the reasons I'm walking away from this relationship is because I feel so lonely. I'm still here living with him and I brought up going to the dog park like I have other times and he obviously didn't want to go. So I said f*** it, i need to go alone. I'm glad I pushed myself to go alone. I felt sad and lonely but i know I just have to learn to be okay with being alone.

(Clearly I'm using this space as a journal so sorry for the long posts)

Loneliness is probably one of the worst emotions people can experience. People normally say that every emotion provides us with a purpose, sadness allows you to take advantage of your happy days and value it more. Anger allows you to release any built-up tension, regret gives you a sense of direction? Loneliness on the other hand creates a big empty void within you. It feels like you have an invisible hole in your chest and you wait for someone to close that hole, to stitch you back up, so you can continue living life fully. But how will they notice the hole if it is invisible? And before you know it, the hole grows and grows till it consumes you completely and you end up as a loss, as just another failed individual. You can mask; pretend the hole does not exist and become that ‘social butterfly’, but ignoring the wound is not going to allow it to heal, the hole will still remain there but will ultimately grow slowly like a deadly tumour.

Almost everything in life comes in pairs; the sun has the moon, the sea meets the shore, and even silence has its echoes. So what am I longing for? What is there to fill this empty void? Is it something that is within my reach?

Animals, humans and plants all have a partner to complete a ‘pair’ to provide a sense of purpose, so where is my other half?

Maybe some of us are defects, the odd ones out, and we’re not meant to last long, because why would you want to keep a defect if it serves no purpose? Even if it does serve a purpose, it is not like the others, it doesn’t behave or act like the rest do, so why keep hold of them? Life feels like that sometimes, like being the leftover use of water in the sink twirling around before being completely drained through and ending up in an unfamiliar destination.