Loneliness

There I am, sitting in a room where conversations are flowing, laughter is filling the air, and somehow, I was on the outside of it all. Sure, I nodded along, smiled, and responded when spoken to, but on the inside, I felt an ache—a loneliness that never seems to leave me.

It’s a feeling that tells me no one really sees me. For a long time, I’ve felt loneliness in the company of others. I could be with friends, with family, and still feel completely invisible. It feels like an internal emptiness that my mind feeds off of, and I spiral with thoughts that consume me. I think of the worst-case scenarios in most social situations, and it’s truly me that gets in my way.

I can’t help but feel lonely. I’ve spent most of my life alone. Sometimes I even enjoy the solitude. It gives me space, away from others, to just be myself and not have to mask all the time. I’m not going to lie—even with close friends and family, I still mask. It has always been my way of protection in such a loud world where I feel like I don’t belong. And sometimes, that isolation I’m drawn to becomes so lonely that it’s painful.

I’ve been used to being the listener, but I feel like I’m never the one heard. I’ve opened up, been vulnerable, and still got rejected. So now, I’ve built thick iron walls that are impenetrable. No one can get in unless there’s a level of trust.

When you feel invisible long enough, it changes you. Personally, I start to question my place in people’s lives. I start to think if my voice even matters at all. I’ll replay situations over and over in my mind, wondering if I was being too emotional. I have such big feelings, and it’s hard to manage them because I’ve been hurt so many times before.

I start to believe I’m just a problem. I’ve self-sabotaged because I make too many assumptions. I assume that people tolerate me. I assume that they don’t like me deep down. Overthinking everything is one of the loneliest places to be. You doubt yourself and start to feel like you are just an inconvenience.

Mostly, I’ve stayed quiet because it feels safer than using my voice. It makes me feel like less of a burden. I’ve convinced myself it’s easier that way rather than risk being overlooked again.

There’s so much noise inside my head when I’m with people. I keep wondering if being quiet is too uncomfortable for them, or if being too vocal is too much. I try to keep a balance between my quietness and my communication, but I still feel sensitive to nearly everything. My rejection sensitivity is heavy and eats away at me nearly every day.

It’s a constant disconnect between how I feel and how I’m perceived. And that’s where the loneliness lives. Heavy. Exhausting. Silent. Because I appear fine on the outside, but inside I feel like it’s a disaster.

I’m slowly learning that I’m not invisible. I do have people in my life who truly see me and don’t judge me. The right people don’t make you question your worth. They don’t make you feel like you have to fight to be acknowledged. They don’t leave you wondering if you matter.

I know now that I was never meant to disappear just to fit into someone else’s world. My loneliness may make me question my place in the world, but it doesn’t define my worth. I’m still here—feeling, trying, and that alone counts for more than I realize.

When do you feel most invisible?

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” — Carl Jung

#MentalHealth #Neurodiversity #ADHD #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Loneliness #lonely

There I am, sitting in a room where conversations are flowing, laughter is filling the air, and somehow, I was on the outside of it all. Sure, I nodded along, smiled, and responded when spoken to, but on the inside, I felt an ache—a loneliness that never seems to leave me.

It’s a feeling that tells me no one really sees me. For a long time, I’ve felt loneliness in the company of others. I could be with friends, with family, and still feel completely invisible. It feels like an internal emptiness that my mind feeds off of, and I spiral with thoughts that consume me. I think of the worst-case scenarios in most social situations, and it’s truly me that gets in my way.

I can’t help but feel lonely. I’ve spent most of my life alone. Sometimes I even enjoy the solitude. It gives me space, away from others, to just be myself and not have to mask all the time. I’m not going to lie—even with close friends and family, I still mask. It has always been my way of protection in such a loud world where I feel like I don’t belong. And sometimes, that isolation I’m drawn to becomes so lonely that it’s painful.

I’ve been used to being the listener, but I feel like I’m never the one heard. I’ve opened up, been vulnerable, and still got rejected. So now, I’ve built thick iron walls that are impenetrable. No one can get in unless there’s a level of trust.

When you feel invisible long enough, it changes you. Personally, I start to question my place in people’s lives. I start to think if my voice even matters at all. I’ll replay situations over and over in my mind, wondering if I was being too emotional. I have such big feelings, and it’s hard to manage them because I’ve been hurt so many times before.

I start to believe I’m just a problem. I’ve self-sabotaged because I make too many assumptions. I assume that people tolerate me. I assume that they don’t like me deep down. Overthinking everything is one of the loneliest places to be. You doubt yourself and start to feel like you are just an inconvenience.

Mostly, I’ve stayed quiet because it feels safer than using my voice. It makes me feel like less of a burden. I’ve convinced myself it’s easier that way rather than risk being overlooked again.

There’s so much noise inside my head when I’m with people. I keep wondering if being quiet is too uncomfortable for them, or if being too vocal is too much. I try to keep a balance between my quietness and my communication, but I still feel sensitive to nearly everything. My rejection sensitivity is heavy and eats away at me nearly every day.

It’s a constant disconnect between how I feel and how I’m perceived. And that’s where the loneliness lives. Heavy. Exhausting. Silent. Because I appear fine on the outside, but inside I feel like it’s a disaster.

I’m slowly learning that I’m not invisible. I do have people in my life who truly see me and don’t judge me. The right people don’t make you question your worth. They don’t make you feel like you have to fight to be acknowledged. They don’t leave you wondering if you matter.

I know now that I was never meant to disappear just to fit into someone else’s world. My loneliness may make me question my place in the world, but it doesn’t define my worth. I’m still here—feeling, trying, and that alone counts for more than I realize.

When do you feel most invisible?

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” — Carl Jung

#MentalHealth #Neurodiversity #ADHD #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Loneliness #lonely

On my walk today, I was reflecting on my neighbors’ extraordinary journey to delayed parenthood. Six failed IVF attempts, followed by a successful donated embryo implant. Their miracle is due in July.

I wondered: Will the joy of new life eclipse the memory of those painful years of crushing disappointment?

When people’s troubles are resolved, do they forget? I wrote a poem about this question.

Do They Forget?

The neighbors will hold their precious son
At 44, they thought they were done
Bake a rainbow cake when he turns one

Do they forget?

When lonely hearts are lonely no more
They find a love like no one before
Do they slide valentines under the door?

Do they forget?

When forgotten orphans find a loving home
Settled hearts with no need to roam
Will doubt pour out in a jumbled poem?

Do they forget?

When war requires launching a grenade
Rewarded back home with a big parade
How do they sleep? Do memories fade?

Do they forget?

When patients patiently beat cancer
‘Cause dreaded chemo was the answer
Are they carefree as a salsa dancer?

Do they forget?

Are struggles stored inside their bones?
Do they set reminders in their phones?
Does it all come back when they’re alone?

Do they forget?

#Bipolar #Depression #GAD #OCD #PTSD