Absence, Loss, loneliness...grief manifests in so many ways. The suffering and pain of it. You do things... supposedly the wiser and well meaning counsel you to 'get out', 'move on' from it. Yes, often you so do want to get out of the misery wrought by fate and circumstances. I literally moved myself out of the confines of my apartment and the little neighborhood I step out into, for a week long driving excursion - I in fact was barely enthused and till previous day not sure if I had the mojo to orchestrate this forced sojourn. Holidays otherwise are meant to be fun, leisure filled activity - visiting places in company of the cherished - family or friends which by rights add meaning to your life. Even just on your own, on a holiday you look forward to the journey, the place, food & even new people... there's excitement. During my drive there was none. No doubt the places visited in itself were fascinating, where both natural and historical splendours captivated. But there was no thrill or great elation and I just wondered if I could have just stayed put at home with my dog. I wouldn't have been more worse off.
For in many ways the absence of my ex was amplified, the banter and the excitement she showed while we travelled together so often. I was also thinking of my parents who too were inveterate travelers and the many tours we did together in my childhood and I wondered how much they would have loved the places visited on this drive. Medicines for depression, anaestheticises your surging emotions I guess and apparently tempers your mind. Probably why then I did not sense any great sense of joy or adrenaline rush as the beautiful temples and vistas unfolded before me and did fascinate and moved me at many levels. Carpe Diem. The whole experience was intellectual at best sans emotions where I felt mechanically following a protocol, a routine where I was merely tick marking an inventory of places in trying to get away from my grief and despair. All these in contrast to the thrill, excitement, amazement I experienced and showed it with oohs, aahs, yippee once, inside if not outside and shared my emotional rush with people I trusted, bonded with, in more optimistic times of less dismay & disgust. Now there are none. As Megan Divine says you cannot leave your grief or run away from it. You carry it.😔
Of course I did capture the many such impressionist moments on my mobile camera and tried to give it my expressionist perspective. Then it also hit me that there was/were none as such I'm too eager to share with and talk about. Nobody connects in ways that only my ex could and my parents. There were some others too, alas! all but forsaken to mundanities, rigmoroles and not surprisingly forsaking a romantic, melancholic me! The extinguishing of excitement therefore makes any activity even the so called visceral ones like travel, watching a movie or listening to some great music redundant. These can be something subliminal and can be balming too but yet in many strange ways makes your anguish, loneliness and loss more intense. But then there's more honesty there I imagine when confronting your bare emotions thus and possibly opening prospects for acceptance. Then sharing pics on social media is so anonymous where notwithstanding the few likes & hearts, actually makes matters rather pitiful as many virtual social encounters engineered through digitalisation is. The emptiness and hollowness remains and often gets more pronounced even when you try to literally 'get away from it' all.😞😢 #Grief #griefandtravel #Depression #Loneliness #failure #Anxiety
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