loss

My wife and I have been working on making craft items to sell. It started with knotted friendship bracelets and bottle cap magnets, but when my mom passed away in February of 2024, I was given any of her crafting items to use for the business. Two cricuts that I barely knew how to use (I gave one away), a mug press and about a 100 mugs, with infusible ink paper and tons of vinyl, so much card making material, and a lot more that I didn't even know what it was. I'm still learning, and sometimes I get so frustrated because mom would have known how to do it, except for the mug press. She wanted me to learn how to use it and then teach her, but I kept procrastinating right through the time she had her stroke. I really hate that I never made time to do that for her, that I wanted to be so unlike her that I took away something that would have brought her joy. I learned a lesson when she passed about not wasting time, that tomorrow may never come, and I dearly wish the lesson I had learned was how to make a mug while spending time with my mom.

I’ve spent 25 years crawling through my own brain in therapy, discovering myself, and my BPD. Then when I’m doing pretty well and I think the coast is clear, then
BAM, I get hit head on by life’s semi truck when my sister, and soulmate, died four years ago. Damn,
why did I not think that last night together to crawl into bed with her and swallow her Hospice morphine so I could go with her? There is no life without her. God, I miss you!!!
So for the past four years, I’ve been letting my panic disorder and depression fight it out with each other
while I just lie in bed wishing I were nothing.
During this past year, after spinal fusion surgery, I have been falling quite a lot. Sometimes up to seven times a day. Broke my nose, falling, cracked my elbow bone, falling, and pretty much black and blue head to toe all the time. Thinking it was something spinal or something neurological, we did 1 million MRIs and 2, million vials of blood, so the neurologist could try and figure out why I keep falling and having memory loss. Losing the words here and there. So, finally after all the testing he did, it was time to go in and see him this week and get the results of what he thought was going on.
Was it from my spine surgery Last year or possibly something at the base of my brain at the top of my spine??? He comes in the office and says ALZHEIMER’S… as easily as if he was asking me to pass him the salt.
OMG, that wasn’t even what we were looking for, not even on the radar.
Oh dear God, what am I going to do with this information??? My aunt had Alzheimer’s. I visited her every day until one day I just disappeared from her. The day she forgot who I was, I just sat and cried and cried.
I don’t want to be her, not even knowing who people are or having any say so to your own life because
you’re not in your own brain. What the hell do I do with this information at only 64 years old.
Damn, I should’ve remembered Jean’s morphine that final night!!!
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #AlzheimersDisease #Grief #BPD #MentalHealth #Depression #Memory #Loss

The ennui and anomie... The complete disinterest in things which once kept me animated... Coffee or tea to begin with... Beer... Food in general... Was choosy with types and brands once. And I liked and craved good food and had my choices. Movies too I looked forward... Recall the ways I brewed my coffee. And savour my boutique tea. Today none of these enthuse ... Just about holding on to music which too I feel losing interest in... In fact I attempted to expand my choice of music to more popular... Taylor Swift, Eminem, Beyonce.. Bollywood songs (I'm from India) But no luck. Reading I still manage and get excited by certain books on politics and history... Socialising is next to non existent where again I barely seek anyone's company. Being alone and single for long now that too seems to have some logic to it. But yes... I'm anxious now... Evidently my chronic depression, despair and not in the last my age too has everything to do with my state. Just tired of everything, hopeless, stewing in my loneliness, grief and anguish which to be honest seems the reality and truth in my life. My pooch is the only company but notice how my own regret, hopelessness rubs off on my pet too. It too tries its best to get me animated but over months has resigned itself to my extreme lows. I did travel a bit but as mused in my previous post, it barely stirred or excited me in ways I used to relate to travel. I don't find anyone I can share my experience and observations with any gusto or verve. Social media surprisingly with the kind of groups on history, grief, heritage, films I follow in some way offers familiarity from my past. But the fear of all dissipating is so palpable. Extinguishing all cause for living... is happening.
#Anxiety #Loss #Shame #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Grief #Loneliness #failure

#ctpsd #BPD #Trauma 👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽 Let's see if you could be me.I need you to imagine having borederline personality disorder and living in a world where nothing makes sense and you have very little understanding of the human race because you don't believe how people treat each other matches your internal content of what you believe to be right, just, moral. Also imagine you feel everything a thousand fold of the rest of the world and that not only do others hate you for it but you hate yourself for it too. Imagine growing up ostracized, neglected and never being socialized. Could you imagine the loneliness?Confusion?Fear of people? Living off of hope alone? Wondering if there's even 1 person on earth like you? Broken like you? 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

Could you imagine 37 years of people leaving you? Using you? Rejecting you without ever knowing why? Can you put yourself in my shoes of "existing with the pain" instead of living a life? 🧬 🧬 Doesn't sound so good does it? Being afraid of life because you don't know how to live it. Wanting the pain to stop but being afraid of death. Hoping that one day someone will meet you, actually see you and like or love you? The love you see everyone around recieve. Praying to a god you don't believe in per se so hard to send you an angel to save you because simply don't have anywhere to belong? A life always on the outside looking in? Regretting you were ever born? Never understanding "why"? Can you picture it? Comprehend the low quality of life?💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙💙

Now can you imagine how things could ever get worse? That a time would come where your past trauma's were a picnic compared to what life is about to put you through with zero warning of just how awful people can truly be? Blindsided completely. Targeted so intensively that you believed God must be real because he really did send you the "angel you prayed for?“🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Social phobia disorder, BPD and for f*** sakes now diagnosed with C-TPSD in adulthood is my story💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL TODAY IS TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET SO MUCH WORSE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW. SO BE GREATFUL FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO HAVE EVEN IF IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE MUCH IT COULD ALWAYS BE TAKEN FROM YOU 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 #kmn #why #Evil #dying #Loss #changed #nothingness #stolen #grooming #unfair #alone

That's how I went from living with BPD to something far far more painful.🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🪦🥀🥀🥀HERE LIES THE ME I USED TO BE🥀🥀🥀