alone

By societies standards, I should feel great. I should be grateful than my life was saved. I should be thankful that nurses and doctors put hours and hours of labor into my corpse and I am grateful but I do also feel guilty. I don’t want them to feel like their work was all in vain, but at the same time I struggle but I don’t struggle like people would think that I’d struggle I don’t have issues with money. My wife left me two weeks in the hospital stay so I no longer have relationship issues although it was a toxic relationship and kind of glad I don’t have those issues.

Of course, the loneliness of things sets in. The nights bring memories of things I did in my past that were fun times spent with friends now time spent with my ex-wife where we weren’t fighting and things were good.

My uncle left me his house of which I now live in, which would be a blessing if he hadn’t passed away here if I hadn’t found him in this house if the walls didn’t reek of my uncle. Every night here is torture. Knowing what happened what suffering took place here.

Im in pain, not physically but mentally emotionally I don’t know what to do. I want to run but I don’t know where to? crawl out of my skin.

Ive felt many pains over the last few years, but never the pain of what I feel now, I feel I’m one step closer to going catatonic. Life’s finally broken me, people tell me to get out, where do I go? And no offense I don’t want to be around other people like this.

find a hobby they say, what? At the moment in life I enjoy nothing.

You’re just being difficult they say, you don’t value how lucky you are. No I know how lucky I am however my luck came with a curse. Money can’t cure my heart, money can’t bring me happiness. Money can’t find me companionship or connection that lasts longer than a day.

take a trip, where? I don’t want to leave my house

therapy, I’ve tried several, they don’t tell me anything I haven’t already thought about myself in my mind.

And believe me I feel like I’ve tried all of the above, why I may have had fleeting instances of joy and happiness soon I had to come back to reality.

I’ve tried the medication I take 15 different ones for my heart my physical pains I was left with, my kidneys liver just about everything, I have a partially artificial heart and a machine that keeps my heart beating. I’m covered in scars from the vampire scars on my throat where the ventilator was and the medicine tube was, down ny chest and the xxs on my stomach and back I had lines coming out of for months.

Whats wrong with me? Have I just come to the end of my road?

I apologize for these jumbled thoughts they’re from a mind of a sleep deprived individual who’s barely hanging on by a thread.

im not even sure if im looking for some inspiration that might help or save me as I’m not sure there’s much left to say or do that could help that already hasn’t been said I think I’m just leaving these notes so if by some stroke of magic change happens and everything turns around I can look back and remember where I came from. Or if i simply can’t carry the weight anymore at least I’ll have said something and my friend and family will have closure, they’ll at least know how much i suffered inside and that im free and onto greener pastures.

#Suicide #Depression #self #alone #Pain #Life #Journal #PTSD #Broken #empty

I’m exhausted, my mind feels broken,
I feel nothing and everything at once,
Everything is shutting down,
I’m alone, and my life is draining away…

I have days where I can't wake up or function. Especially when the weather is all over the place. Well I've missed some work with FMLA protection because of the exhaustion. My wife has had it. She refuses to try and understand. It's been 15 years of this disease and I think she has finally had enough of me and it. To bad I can't walk away from the fibromyalgia too. Just lost and alone. 25 years together. Just need some advise. Some support.

Tips on when you’re not happy where you’re at in life and feel like a loser or a nobody #Depression #sad #Upset #Depression #Crying #Sadness #alone #lost #tough

I wish I had at least one more friend irl that was available to hangout with me so I wouldn’t have to be alone it is said that with #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder being alone and the fear of being alone is definitely a symptom of that disorder and that makes sense why I’m feeling the way I am right now

I went for a 4KM run, come back and had a cold shower. I noticed, albeit subtle, a sense of being on the edge of an extremely dark cloud which then I went back into. I was triggered three months ago into a high state of alertness that I haven’t come down from but I haven’t noticed the cloud so much before. It’s as if it sits over my entire head and when it does, I don’t really feel able to communicate, feel joy or pleasure. I tried keeping busy this morning which is something I don’t usually do. I cleaned the bathroom and tried getting washing going too. Had breakfast and am sitting down. But that dark cloud is over me right now. #MentalHealth #physicalsensation #Anxiety #alone #scared #PTSD #Depression

I’m hurting on many levels

I need help

I need support

The medical field has failed me

The mental health field has failed me

I feel like I’ve failed me

It’s so hard

I’m overwhelmed

Disabilities
Poverty
Suffering

I didn’t do this to myself but I’m the one still feeling punished

I'm having the weeps right now. I don't know why. I thought i was mentally prepared. I was looking forward to a break from stressfulwork and resting/recovering from (hopefully) temporary back pain. My husband will be visiting his mom tomorrow.

I'm split. I get to organize my time to my liking, writing or reading if I want to. Self care (physical therapy or rest). Music for me.

But I'm feeling alone and frghtened and old. (64, feel likee 84, but doubt I will reach 70--I hope not.)

Rambling, and mucking up this post in this app. I'll write to myself and call a warm in the morning after m husband leaves