Loneliness

If you've read my previous posts, you know I get very attached to people. I used to talk in those posts of a friend, but she has completely abandoned me almost two years ago because I'm "too high maintenance". It was a very difficult time for me where I felt extremely lonely, but I tried to make changes and go out instead of wallow. That led to my meeting some new people, including the person who later became my boyfriend and the love of my life, except he's just abandoned me too. It wasn't because of me this time though.

We were together for almost a year and a half and we were seriously talking marriage. I loved him so deeply and I stood by him through thick and thin. He was also the only person ever who could make me truly feel better no matter how depressed I was. He'd changed a lot about himself for my sake (he had a bit of a wild lifestyle). But he was also very depressed. Life hasn't been very kind to him and a lot was going on with his family and work and other things, so he started thinking about running away and starting anew somewhere else. The problem is I couldn't go with him. He tried to stay for me, but in the end he said he couldn't and that if he stayed, he'd end up hurting himself or me and his family by how he'd become.

The first time he'd almost decided on leaving, he asked me to try to have a long distance relationship. I was against it because I told him it wouldn't work, but in the end I agreed to try. I was in tears almost the whole time for days and eventually he changed his mind (not totally because of me). He tried after to forget about that idea and just make a life here, but a few months later, he hit his breaking point and made the final decision to leave. This devastated me to no end. I was spiraling down despite my best efforts. Finally, I decided I wanted him in my life still even if it's a long distance relationship with no potential end date. However, he decided it would be too painful to do that and he didn't want to risk my eventual loss of feelings for him or attraction to someone else because he's not actually with me (and we can't easily visit each other). The thing is, which he knows, I don't intend to ever be with anyone else even if he and I aren't together. I have several reasons for that, but I won't get into them.

I've cut contact with him after that conversation and I've been feeling like I'm already dead. Everything feels so empty and meaningless. The food has no taste and the music feels like screeches. I watch TV shows all day long just to pass the time and not think but I feel like I just want to shut it all off. I've been late to work almost every day for a week. It's taking everything in me not to do "something". I just sit in silence and stare but I can almost see myself screaming and punching everything like in some horror movie where the reflection in the mirror moves differently than the character is.

I feel like I can't talk to anybody really, not even my therapist. I just keep wishing for death to take me. I feel so alone and I can't understand how he can be okay with this when he still says that he loves me like he's never loved anyone before and that he'd always love me. Why wasn't I worth the risk? Everyone keeps saying how amazing I am and how I'm the best they'd ever met, but they always end up leaving me like I was nothing. And somehow, I'm still the one who's worried about him even in my dreams.

My story -

I grew up in the 80s/90s where being “double-jointed” was just a weird quirk/party trick. Well, the women on both sides of my family were affected pretty hard by the hypermobility.

I was 12 when I had my first ever dislocation (and first signs of POTS). It was summer and my house was unairconditioned in Texas. I was helping my mom with dishes when I started to feel slightly dizzy, so I held onto the counter-top.

When I woke up after fainting, half of the dishes were broken on the floor around me, my mom was crying, trying to wake me up, and my elbow hurt. I was taken to my PCP, who had no idea what was wrong with me, but took xrays of my elbow and suggested that I drink more water.

And so, began my relationship with different doctors – specialists, primary care, whoever I needed to see, I would. But, besides being anemic, dizzy/prone to fainting, and hypermobile joints, no doctor had any clue what was going on with me.

Flash forward to age 28(no, really, 28), when I’m working for an established optometrist, he noted that I hyperextended my knees when I was standing tin place; he recommended that I see a rheumatologist/cardiologist because his wife and 2 children had vascular EDS(which if you know ANYTHING about EDS, you do not want vascular EDS).

So, I went to their specialists and was diagnosed with hEDS, POTS, Ankylosing Spondylitis, bursitis and inflammatory arthritis – after years (as in 10 years without any sort of diagnosis) of bloodwork, CT scans, MRIs, etc. My doctors then placed me on a host of medications, including a TNF inhibitor, which essentially made my immune system go bye bye – which my doctor elected to begin 2 weeks prior to the big shutdowns due to covid in March 2020.

When covid began, we had a host of friends that didn’t take things too seriously with restrictions, but understood that we(my partner and I) had to because of my new health findings. We didn’t have to worry about going to the stores because of grocery delivery options and restaurant delivery and our friends at that time would also bring by dinners, etc, since we couldn’t go out. But, empathy fatigue is real. After about 2 months, our “friends” started going back out again(Texas did not take covid seriously, at all) and we were kind of left behind.

I still have no immune system, cannot go to concerts, clubs, etc – which is starting to weigh heavily on my partner, who loves interacting with other humans. But those "friends" are all gone now and the loneliness of

My life looks completely different than I thought it would at this point in my life – I was an avid roller coaster enthusiast, but I know that this part of my life is behind me, along with most exercise, and my sex life (what sex life?!) – but I’m pushing through and trying to make the best of my life as it stands right now.#AnkylosingSpondylitis #Bursitis #ChronicPain #Depression #EhlersDanlos #JointHypermobilitySyndrome

There’s a sense of disquiet in feeling so much, in only being capable of feeling waves of emotions past your bones and deep into your soul.

But the real fear and chaos isn’t feeling too much; true despair comes when you feel peace in a state of complete emotional deprivation.

#BipolarDepression #MentalHealth #Loneliness #BipolarDisorder #Depression

I have social anxiety and a chronic illness so I don’t leave the house unless it’s a family outing. I’m 19. Not in school. Basically I’m disabled. I’m so lonely. I have some online friends but still I feel so alone as they’re busy a lot. Anyways any ideas on how to make friends within my comfort zone? I won’t just overnight start going to a social group. But within my limitations I need a way to feel less alone. Also I don’t like using social media it makes my anxiety worse. #LymeDisease #SocialAnxiety #Loneliness #Depression

That feeling that you’ve moved on but still feel stuck. You’re restless, uncomfortable, anxious. You can see, taste, and feel the other side but you don’t see a bridge to get there. It’s hard, but realize you’re not simply transitioning from an old life to a new life, you’re transforming from an old you to a new you. It’s going to take some time. Embrace your isolated cocoon and don’t expect anyone else to understand, only seek to understand yourself. Soon enough you will be reborn into the new, beautiful you.

#BipolarDepression #BipolarDisorder #Loneliness #Depression