If you've read my previous posts, you know I get very attached to people. I used to talk in those posts of a friend, but she has completely abandoned me almost two years ago because I'm "too high maintenance". It was a very difficult time for me where I felt extremely lonely, but I tried to make changes and go out instead of wallow. That led to my meeting some new people, including the person who later became my boyfriend and the love of my life, except he's just abandoned me too. It wasn't because of me this time though.
We were together for almost a year and a half and we were seriously talking marriage. I loved him so deeply and I stood by him through thick and thin. He was also the only person ever who could make me truly feel better no matter how depressed I was. He'd changed a lot about himself for my sake (he had a bit of a wild lifestyle). But he was also very depressed. Life hasn't been very kind to him and a lot was going on with his family and work and other things, so he started thinking about running away and starting anew somewhere else. The problem is I couldn't go with him. He tried to stay for me, but in the end he said he couldn't and that if he stayed, he'd end up hurting himself or me and his family by how he'd become.
The first time he'd almost decided on leaving, he asked me to try to have a long distance relationship. I was against it because I told him it wouldn't work, but in the end I agreed to try. I was in tears almost the whole time for days and eventually he changed his mind (not totally because of me). He tried after to forget about that idea and just make a life here, but a few months later, he hit his breaking point and made the final decision to leave. This devastated me to no end. I was spiraling down despite my best efforts. Finally, I decided I wanted him in my life still even if it's a long distance relationship with no potential end date. However, he decided it would be too painful to do that and he didn't want to risk my eventual loss of feelings for him or attraction to someone else because he's not actually with me (and we can't easily visit each other). The thing is, which he knows, I don't intend to ever be with anyone else even if he and I aren't together. I have several reasons for that, but I won't get into them.
I've cut contact with him after that conversation and I've been feeling like I'm already dead. Everything feels so empty and meaningless. The food has no taste and the music feels like screeches. I watch TV shows all day long just to pass the time and not think but I feel like I just want to shut it all off. I've been late to work almost every day for a week. It's taking everything in me not to do "something". I just sit in silence and stare but I can almost see myself screaming and punching everything like in some horror movie where the reflection in the mirror moves differently than the character is.
I feel like I can't talk to anybody really, not even my therapist. I just keep wishing for death to take me. I feel so alone and I can't understand how he can be okay with this when he still says that he loves me like he's never loved anyone before and that he'd always love me. Why wasn't I worth the risk? Everyone keeps saying how amazing I am and how I'm the best they'd ever met, but they always end up leaving me like I was nothing. And somehow, I'm still the one who's worried about him even in my dreams.
My story -
I grew up in the 80s/90s where being “double-jointed” was just a weird quirk/party trick. Well, the women on both sides of my family were affected pretty hard by the hypermobility.
I was 12 when I had my first ever dislocation (and first signs of POTS). It was summer and my house was unairconditioned in Texas. I was helping my mom with dishes when I started to feel slightly dizzy, so I held onto the counter-top.
When I woke up after fainting, half of the dishes were broken on the floor around me, my mom was crying, trying to wake me up, and my elbow hurt. I was taken to my PCP, who had no idea what was wrong with me, but took xrays of my elbow and suggested that I drink more water.
And so, began my relationship with different doctors – specialists, primary care, whoever I needed to see, I would. But, besides being anemic, dizzy/prone to fainting, and hypermobile joints, no doctor had any clue what was going on with me.
Flash forward to age 28(no, really, 28), when I’m working for an established optometrist, he noted that I hyperextended my knees when I was standing tin place; he recommended that I see a rheumatologist/cardiologist because his wife and 2 children had vascular EDS(which if you know ANYTHING about EDS, you do not want vascular EDS).
So, I went to their specialists and was diagnosed with hEDS, POTS, Ankylosing Spondylitis, bursitis and inflammatory arthritis – after years (as in 10 years without any sort of diagnosis) of bloodwork, CT scans, MRIs, etc. My doctors then placed me on a host of medications, including a TNF inhibitor, which essentially made my immune system go bye bye – which my doctor elected to begin 2 weeks prior to the big shutdowns due to covid in March 2020.
When covid began, we had a host of friends that didn’t take things too seriously with restrictions, but understood that we(my partner and I) had to because of my new health findings. We didn’t have to worry about going to the stores because of grocery delivery options and restaurant delivery and our friends at that time would also bring by dinners, etc, since we couldn’t go out. But, empathy fatigue is real. After about 2 months, our “friends” started going back out again(Texas did not take covid seriously, at all) and we were kind of left behind.
I still have no immune system, cannot go to concerts, clubs, etc – which is starting to weigh heavily on my partner, who loves interacting with other humans. But those "friends" are all gone now and the loneliness of
My life looks completely different than I thought it would at this point in my life – I was an avid roller coaster enthusiast, but I know that this part of my life is behind me, along with most exercise, and my sex life (what sex life?!) – but I’m pushing through and trying to make the best of my life as it stands right now.#AnkylosingSpondylitis #Bursitis #ChronicPain #Depression #EhlersDanlos #JointHypermobilitySyndrome
There’s a sense of disquiet in feeling so much, in only being capable of feeling waves of emotions past your bones and deep into your soul.
But the real fear and chaos isn’t feeling too much; true despair comes when you feel peace in a state of complete emotional deprivation.
I have social anxiety and a chronic illness so I don’t leave the house unless it’s a family outing. I’m 19. Not in school. Basically I’m disabled. I’m so lonely. I have some online friends but still I feel so alone as they’re busy a lot. Anyways any ideas on how to make friends within my comfort zone? I won’t just overnight start going to a social group. But within my limitations I need a way to feel less alone. Also I don’t like using social media it makes my anxiety worse. #LymeDisease #SocialAnxiety #Loneliness #Depression
That feeling that you’ve moved on but still feel stuck. You’re restless, uncomfortable, anxious. You can see, taste, and feel the other side but you don’t see a bridge to get there. It’s hard, but realize you’re not simply transitioning from an old life to a new life, you’re transforming from an old you to a new you. It’s going to take some time. Embrace your isolated cocoon and don’t expect anyone else to understand, only seek to understand yourself. Soon enough you will be reborn into the new, beautiful you.
Trigger Warning Abuse, Gun Violence
These Chronic Negative ideations are getting to me today
Just I'm feeling it very hard today
Just recorded myself Talking couldn't do a video today
Was that anxious
Just Feel like a Burden on Society and Nobody understands
I kinda get tired of people calling me lazy or Unmotivated.
When in reality they never had Agoraphobia
Because at the End of the day
I still have Agoraphobia had it since I was 5
Is getting a little better
But still have the condition
Maybe Its not like in 2010 when I couldn't step outside my house
With Therapy I still can't stand outside my house very long
But with the Anxiety and panic symptoms
I'm able to Pay bills and food and stuff some physical checkups occasionally now.
But can't do it everyday it's occasional
Maybe once or twice a month
Because I try to Occasionally push through since it's one day.
Because I know I can't do it everyday I would kill myself
The feelings are overwhelming
And doing that I feel bad panic symptoms.
Dizziness headaches heart aches
It messes with my separate migraine diagnosis which I had since I was a little boy.
Take meds just for those specific days just to pay bills.
Which I been doing every month if I could.
But I feel so sick.
Just I tried several jobs over the years.
From Warehouses and factories McDonald's which I had panic attacks
Dropping money and patties.
Not being able to handle the open Spaces of a McDonald's restaurant.
Had a panic attack
Goodwill, Carwashes, Landfills, Wet Factories
Lifting 200 to 300 lb barrels of Fruit and veggies and water.
Which water is Heavy than people expect when in barrels.
And water is not dense as well. It's a liquid.
That spilled on the floor.
And lifting that repeatedly with and without help
This very different than weight training
That you do sets for maybe a few minutes to a hour
This is repetitive lifting throughout a shift for 8 hours+
And had 10- 12 hour days Alot it never ended at 8 hours flat.
And you doing it at a fast rate.
Since it's a factory and those bins fills up quickly from the leftover food on the floor.
Since some people shoulders gave out
And mines didn't. Thankfully
Having panic attacks every night felt like Giving up.
Everytime I came home.
Even was thinking about working at a Tire Plant.
Which I didn't do the Tire Plant.
Too crowded. Definitely couldn't handle that environment.
I Did Every Entry Level Physical Job Imaginable.
Public jobs that I can think of.
But nobody understands or sees that.
Only IRS knows that.
Because They Take A portion of the Pay out of my check.
Which I loved Paying Taxes.
Since I was working
But couldn't handle the Jobs.
Is very real condition.
But Ableism exists.
So they say Ableist Statements
Saying anxiety is not a real disability
And saying tough through it
Or MAN UP.
Which Nobody Understands My Situation.
Just Even Work At Home. I be Feeling like a Burden A lot on Society.
Just I Been Feeling like a Burden since I was a kid.
Felt I was a Burden That Kept My Mom from Going to the Military 🪖
Fresh out of High School.
Which she never said.
Since She Got pregnant with me.
By the time she was going to start Basic Training
And she had the option To Either Have a Abortion or Go Through Basic Training
Or Have Me and Had to Lose her Opportunity To Enlist.
When I got shot at when I was 17 in 2011
I thought maybe I should've gotten shot.
Maybe if I was dead I wouldn't be a burden
On People and this Capitalist System.
Just I Deal With Unemployment.
And if you Judge me by me typing this.
You shouldn't probably be in my life in the first place
But people don't understand
It's Very hard to keep a job
I do want to work a job or something
But Main Thing I have a conditions
I had for years.
This just didn't come up when I was grown
I had this anxiety and stuff since I was 5 I can remember.
Been feeling ideations since I was 15.
Had To go to the hospital for the first time.
Of trying to Cope with the issues.
Didn't know it was a mental health condition.
Until I was trying to do something to myself in 2010.
Been a ongoing problem
Just People don't understand how this can cause me to not keep a stable job or employment.
Which would be considered Gainfully or Substantial Employment.
I have difficulty due to my condition
I did try in public places.
I had a panic attack heart beating everyday.
Feeling dizzy and my pre existing migraine problems becoming more prominent due to this.
Just Even Working at home it's very difficult.
Because they want you to still talk on the phone
And type stuff and stay on the computer..
Which I don't even due in my personal life.
Because it causes bad anxiety being on the internet and the phone.
Since I still have to interact with people.
Just it's Interreacting with people in general
That gets me very bad anxiety.
And Working at Home means you Are Independent.
You still work under someone else.
It's not like I'm the owner of a fortune 500 company deciding how my day will go.
I'm just a Worker for Someone else like majority of people.
So I have to Do What they feel is Profitable to do so.
People act like these companies really care about my well being
When they give accommodations
Which the accomodations still favors the business owner more than the employee
Which I understand.
Those accomodations really didn't do anything to better my condition
and anxiety and stuff I constantly feel daily.
Just Even if I could do a job for one day.
That's not substantial to survive.
And I'm just going to feel sick and dizzy and blurry vision
And aggravates my preexisting migraine condition.
But The Way Society is.
Due to being Very Hyper Competitive and stuff.
Just Someone like me can't compete with someone
That doesn't have my issues.
At job positions.
It Really doesn't accommodate someone with my conditions.
Be trying to see some work at home jobs fit my condition...
But nothing I can do at a consistent substantial rate gainfully rate.
And eventually quit.
Doesn't make sense. Because it's not substantial
Instead of wait until something I can actually handle.
I'm trying just.
I can't survive off that condition.
Just feel like it's my fault for having these issues.
I didn't ask for.
I feel anxious texting people.
And people don't understand.
I try to go on social media and stuff for therapy.
Since I don't leave my house.
It's a Double edged sword.
Because being alone I don't get panic attacks as often
And feel those horrible feelings I feel mentally.
But Being alone also makes you more Depressed and Lonely and sader
So I try to balance it.
But even going online is very anxious provoking.
I try to do it for therapeutic reasons.
And have flashbacks as well
And non anxiety based such as getting shot at in 2011
And other stuff I'm not going to publicly going to disclose.
Only people I don't feel anxious is My Mother and my immediate brother and sister.
The ones I lived with growing up.
Just them all other family members I struggle just calling them.
Just my life sucks.
I constantly hear I'm lazy or Unmotivated
Or whatever you call it.
Just society doesn't understand.
Why I'm having difficulty keeping a job.
It's seems like it's not profitable.
Like my condition doesn't work under a hyper Capitalistic society.
Just I'm trying but I can't work for the best of me.
I have to work with accommodations that are best for employers
Which I understand.
Since profit is the driver or capitalism.
The Accomodations they give me I still have anxiety.
I can't do 8 or 4 hours consistently.
Maybe for one day but after that
I'm going to feel exhausted and dizzy vi