Loneliness

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Loneliness
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    Feeling Abandoned

    Even though I'm surrounded by people all day. Loneliness knocks on my door; how do you feel complete even though no one is near me. One may say I have to complete myself; one may say I need to not be so cold toward others, and one may say I need to venture out. But just because they say this doesn't mean I have the will to do this."

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    Therapist Abuse/Relationship

    I’m really struggling with the loss of an important relationship… but I don’t know what is or was real or if I was an easy target.

    I was in counseling for almost four years. The last year and a half of the counseling relationship, we were engaged in an affair. The affair continued beyond termination (he only terminated with me because he told his wife about us and she insisted). Tomorrow it will be three weeks since I have heard a word from him… we had an argument and his last words to me were that maybe I do need counseling if I’m struggling so bad, and he isn’t going to do this with me again and again (the arguing and questions… there’s a lot to it but I don’t have the energy to explain).

    I have a friend that is a counselor and I guess I wrongfully asked for guidance… she said she can’t talk to me about it if I won’t report him or tell her his name so she can report him. So… I talked to a lawyer because I have no idea where to even start with anything and the lawyer told me that, because I consented and am just now bringing it up, I look like an angry ex trying to get even and the licensing board would see it the same way.

    But that’s not the case… or is it? Yes, I engaged in the affair. Yes, I agreed to a sexual relationship. But how long did he spend getting to know me and getting me to identify my needs… which he then met each need (companionship, hugs, safe touch, someone to listen). How could I not fall in love with that? I’m in a very complicated marriage, I’m lonely and I have a complex trauma history which involves having been trafficked so the fear of abandonment is there because every time I would scream for my mom but she was dropping me off and turning her back and leaving.

    Did he recognize that I wouldn’t tell? Like I never told about my childhood? Like I didn’t report my running buddy that raped me three years ago? I mean, I saw him (counselor) the day after and told him about it and he asked why I wouldn’t report it. I told him because I was scared of the impact on my marriage, the shame of publicity, and of nobody believing me.

    Is that his fault though? Or did he really love me? I’m devastated and now I’m facing major medical issues basically alone in spite of his promise to not leave me alone through it.

    How do I even know what happened? Does he deserve to get in trouble?

    And worse… both he and his wife are highly regarded in the community. If I even managed to get anyone to take me seriously, I’d become a complete pariah. My career is heavily integrated into community relationships and the courts. I’d risk losing the reputation I worked so hard to build.

    Meanwhile, he is off living life and going on vacations and hikes with his wife while I’m here trying to get through each day.

    Has anyone been through something similar? I feel alone, scared, confused… and a lot more. I miss him horribly, which just makes things worse.

    #PTSD #Therapy #Depression #AnxietyAttack

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    I'm having a hard time

    I am copying this from a Facebook post I made earlier. For reference, ARMHS stands for Adult Residential Mental Health Services and Alani is the emotional support cat I adopted in August of 2020.

    I've been depressed and lonely lately. I don't really hang out with anyone. Most of my friends live out of town and without a car it's not like I can just meet up. I feel like a burden and don't say anything because I don't want to make people feel bad. Without an ARMHS worker, it's just been me and Alani. My mom typically visits on Sundays but it's not the same (our relationship is a bit complicated).

    I've been meaning to clean and do laundry but sometimes it takes everything I have just to go to work or appointments. Most of the time, if I have a day off, I stay in bed and cuddle with Alani because I don't have the energy (mentally or emotionally) to leave my room. Going to work does help because it helps me from getting too far into myself, but I feel I can't go beyond the 4 days I work now due to my anxiety flaring up.

    In a nutshell, my depression is doing a number on me. I know that this time of the year will always be at least a little hard on me, but this goes beyond the anniversary of my best friend's death. I just...I don't know. I just can't seem to figure out how to fix this.

    So this is me, unfiltered. Not happy and not able to act it. I don't want people to worry or pity me, however, I know from experience what hiding it has a tendency to do (even after 13 years, THAT issue is still on my list of concerns, so much so that I almost didn't cut open a painful zit to relieve the pressure in my nose because I was concerned it could cause a full relapse/would count as one in and of itself).

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    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is vAngie123. I'm here because I have always felt like an outsider and it has always been difficult to find long term friendship and I get very lonely and overwhelmed.

    #MightyTogether #Depression #BipolarDisorder

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    So many feelings

    Lately my depression is starting to get ry bad again. I find periods where I am present and decent but I can't honestly remember the last time that I really felt myself or if I even know who that is anymore. I'm a mother and I have a boyfriend. Those are the people closest to me besides my sister but still being surrounded by people, I feel so lonely at times. Does anyone else out there experience this? It's the worst kind of loneliness. It's not helping me lately that my boyfriend and I are long distance and my sister as well. So I'm here, being a mother and struggling with the guilt of feeling so lonely and not myself...sorry for the rant but I'm just really tired and hate this feeling. #ChronicDepression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Depression

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    There’s a hole in my bucket

    Do you remember that children’s song, “There’s a hole in my bucket Dear Liza, Dear Liza, We’ll that’s how I’m feeling. This past year has been particularly painful! Now the holidays are here and the hole in my bucket is getting larger. I’m married and am close to my husband’s family, but am estranged from mine. I miss my closest in age sibling intensely and unfortunately can’t find a path to reconnect to him. I’ve burned all my bridges to the ground. I wish that I had at least one of my own blood relatives as a connection. I’m grateful for my husband and his family but I miss my own bloodline. #Loneliness #Siblings .

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    I fear

    Part 1 of 2 I fear…

    Parents have many fears for their children as they grow up…. but as a special needs mother my fears are so different than their’s. It’s difficult to put into words. So here I go….

    It’s hard not to have tears roll down your face at night when everyone is asleep. You weep  because of the unknown, because of how difficult things will be for your child.

    When you look at your child laying in bed asleep, so perfect just thinking how much you love them. How beautiful they are.

    You lay there and think about everything, you can’t turn off you thoughts and fears. Its hard to relax and take a deep breath. Its hard to watch how easy life seems for typical parents. It’s hard hearing typical parents complain that their kids never shut up, its hard watching their kids get to be kids.

    They say children are mean, but adults are worse. Mean disrespectful adults raise mean disrespectful children. Period. I have had many ups and downs since my son’s diagnosis, but I still cry. I cry a lot. Its not a bad thing- it’s ok to cry, I need to feel my feelings. I cant always be the perfect happy positive mother. I’m not superwoman.

    Teach your kids to be kind. Teach them to be cool means nothing as you age but your character means everything in life.

    I was badly bullied in middle school all the way up until my senior year of high school. I was extremely overweight and had thick short hair. I was the ugly duckling at that time in my life.

    Im nearly 40 years old and I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t affect me deep down- I became anorexic, lost over 100 pounds and then struggled with bulimia for many years into my late 20’s.

    I was able to fight back to my bullies- I never just let them tear me apart without a fight. A person who is autistic, whole different story. They don’t operate like us. It makes me feel ill to think about my son being bullied for his differences. I try not to think about this but I also can’t be naïve. You would think those with disabilities would be off limits to bullies yet they are the bullies number one target.
    I fear if he will never speak, and the apraxia of speech will rob him of a voice. I fear if he will ever have friends or a friend… if he will be bullied and harassed his entire existence because he is different.

    I fear me dying….who will love and care for him like I do? I fear someone hurting him or abusing him and he cant tell me. I fear her will never be able to live on his own without help.  I fear he will be lonely and depressed, I fear he will wander off as I read all these stories about autism and wandering.It makes me sad to think I may never be a grandmother- I know he can still find love one day but I have thought that.  It makes me sad that I can’t make this world truly understand autism…the list of fears are endless. Its so hard not to just feel completely helpless some days.

    You then get those people who say “you can not worry about all that now”

    It is hard not to roll my eyes to this, why? Because the average person/parent- you don’t get it- I’m not like you. I’m not a parent to a typical child and when “normal” parents realize this I think they will understand.

    Typical parents may be upset for their child over them loosing a hockey or baseball game, they may be upset over their kid not making the football team… none of that matters to me. Sorry. I get upset over the things we can all do that my son with Autism and Apraxia can’t do. The things you would never think of because it comes so naturally to us. This is why I now view the world differently and take nothing for granted- if Autism wasn’t a part of our lives I would be just like the typical parents.

    As a special needs parent you kind of feel like you don’t belong.. you’re not like the average parent and sometimes special needs parents don’t accept you either as they think you you may not have it hard enough. I feel that.

    Our son may not have severe autism but he has autism. It doesn’t matter where you fall on the spectrum. Autism is Autism. It is not easy. I am not in a competition to see who’s child has it harder.

    I have learned a lot following a particular special needs mother. She call’s it “the secret world of autism”…..

    Reading her stories are so inspiring. She seems so kind, accepting, honest, calm, raw and welcoming of all in the special needs world. Her page and videos have helped me more than anything these last seven months since my son’s diagnosis.

    Shes made me realize to celebrate the little things our kids do and not to worry about the text book milestones, that kids with Autism go at their

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    °" Loneliness And Draining Pain... That I Feel Each Year"°#Thought 's

    ° " This Post Is Ethier Going To Sound Dumb Or Reasonable To Everyone Here... But To Be Fully Honest... I'm Lonely AF... With Nobody To Communicate With Etc.. Sure I Have My Family... But It's Not The Same As In Having Someone Special In Your Corner... Making You Feel Special And Loved At All Time's... I Used To Feel So Smoothered To Death.. In My Past Realtionship... I Don't Wish To Feel That Ever Again... Hopefully Something Totally Different.. One Day Maybe I Would Actually Enjoy Being With Someone.. For Once... " ° ♤ SKADI KVITRAVN ♤ #Thought 's