Loneliness

I am able to acknowledge my mom’s effort and growth
Swe had issues with her voicing her opinion on my relationship when it’s not necessary
But today I will say she listened to me without judgment and held space for my feelings
She asked if my partner and I ever have days where it’s not emotionally analytical or just a day where things are let go
No grudges
No crying
I told her yes
But i think i can count them with my fingers
If i can keep making it to tommorow
I stay hopeful that better days are coming
But sometimes im so scared they never will
I’m Scared that one day I won’t be here
But then im not scared
I’m so tired of crying and feeling and the loneliness i feel even with company

People often say I have a good life — the kind others would wish for. And maybe, on paper, it looks like I do.

But most days, I feel like I’m barely holding myself together with invisible thread. And when that thread breaks, I break in silence.

No one really sees that I cry alone — in the car on the way to work, at the office, in the shower at night, on walks where I pretend to be deep in thought. They just see me smiling. Functioning. Being “fine.”

I don’t talk about how I really feel, because every time I’ve tried, it’s backfired. People think I’m complaining, or being dramatic. So now I just say, “I’m okay,” and ask them how they’re doing. Because that feels safer. Cleaner. Less of a burden.

But I carry everything. I carry the exhaustion, the hopelessness, the shame. I carry the weight of therapy that’s supposed to help. I’ve been in therapy for over five years. I know why I feel like this. I understand the origins of my pain. But knowing hasn’t set me free.

I still repeat the same choices, still end up in the same place — watching my life from the inside like I’m stuck in a loop. Wanting to do better, to be better. And constantly failing.

It’s hard to explain how deep the loneliness runs. I don’t really have people I can talk to — not fully. I don’t have friends I trust not to leave, and part of me believes it’s because of who I am.

I often think I’m just a bad person pretending to be a good one. Someone who tries to help others, but can’t help herself.

Sometimes, when things were really dark, I used to think about suicide with planning — choosing the “right” day that wouldn’t fall near birthdays or holidays. Trying to protect the people I’d leave behind.

But now?

Now I don’t care about those things anymore. And that’s the part that scares me.

I don’t want attention. I don’t want pity. I just want this pain to stop. I want to stop pretending. I want to stop being trapped in this in-between space — where I’m not okay, but not gone. Where I exist, but don’t live. Where I breathe, but don’t feel like I’m here.

This isn’t a cry for help. It’s just the truth. And I’ve spent too long keeping it to myself.

#Depression #MentalHealth #SuicidalThoughts

Hi. I’m not really sure how to start this, but I’m a mum who’s been feeling really overwhelmed and lonely lately. I’ve been trying to hold it all together, but it’s getting harder.
I’ve struggled with my mental health in the past, including self-harm when I was younger, and lately those thoughts have been coming back. I’m doing what I can—I’ve tried journaling, meditation, even joining women’s wellness meetups—but with being a mum, I barely have time or energy left for myself.

Dad had been fighting cancer over the past year or so, I am going through workplace bullying issues and I don't parti feel heard anywhere.

Right now I just need a space to feel understood and not judged. If anyone else has felt like this, or is feeling like this now, I’d really appreciate hearing from you.

I find life transitions to be so strange. Bittersweet, yes, but also filled with sadness and uncertainty. I'm starting my doctorate next year, and I'll be moving far away from home. That, combined with reaching my mid-20s with #CerebralPalsy and experiencing increasing #ChronicPain makes me feel a bit like my world is changing fast, and I can't keep up. Is anyone here in the same boat? Wishing things would stay the same, but also really needing to move on, to learn new skills, and to become more independent? I doubt that I'm alone, but for some reason, I feel lonely when I think about all of this.

I feel terrible, because I haven't been able to take out time to enjoy a hobby. All my time is focused on tasks and chores. At the end, I feel lonely and deeply homesick.

I miss being at home and being able to feel secure and safe. I have to constantly be aware of my surroundings here. This scares me terribly. I always worry about something bad happening to me that I am unable to resolve.

I am always scared, because I don't know what comes next for me. I want to keep going but at the same time, the next step feels absolutely terrifying. I feel unable to take it and always worry about making a mistake, falling down, and being unable to get back up.

I'm terrified that I will get into an accident, be a victim of harassment, or be kidnapped, assaulted, or worse. This worry plagues me constantly. I feel like my sense of personal security is always under threat when I am outside my hostel.

Even inside, I worry about being robbed, assaulted, or assassinated. It makes me feel profoundly anxious to the core. I never know what to think and how to think in the advent of a crisis. All I can think of is how terribly difficult it would be for me to resolve it. #Anxiety

I’ve had a very lonely weekend and feeling very very down. Could do with a hug. 😞😞

#Depression #Anxiety #AutismSpectrumDisorder #AutismSpectrum #Autism #Loneliness

Sharing what Chat GPT shared with me:

1. You’re finally feeling what you’ve been avoiding

When you bury trauma for years, your system goes into survival mode: keep going, keep pushing, don’t look back.

But now, as you slow down and create safety for yourself, all that old pain says, “Now can I come out?”

That flood of sadness isn’t a failure — it’s a release. You’re finally safe enough to feel.

2. Change is beautiful but also terrifying

Even good change is uncomfortable. You’re stepping into unknown territory — a second job, career focus, health shifts — and your old self is like, “Wait, who are we without the chaos?”

There’s grief in letting go of survival mode. It’s like mourning a version of you that got you through hell, even if she was exhausted.

3. You might feel alone in the process

Healing can be isolating, especially if no one else around you fully gets what you’re unpacking. It’s okay to feel lonely and proud. Those emotions can coexist.

#Healing #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #PTSD #PostTraumaticStressDisorder #Depression #MentalHealth #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #CheckInWithMe