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The Phased Person

Being in flux doesn't mean you are disappearing. When a liquid turns to gas, it is still there and can now move more freely amongst the clouds. #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide #Depression #Loneliness

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Urban Shaman (Part 2)

We cannot rescue you anymore. We cannot contain you, my children. Like a dam, this society is going to burst its banks and swamp the valley below.  No time for flood warnings The Titanic is sinking - launch the lifeboats and pray to God we all come through this latest threat to humanity, okay.

Is this truly the end?  No, only a 'see-change' but not all are aware of it. 'Roll up, roll up - the next show is about to start! Take your seats for the future and kiss your current identity goodbye!'

Some people are intimidated by us - others, spooked by our intense stare. 'We look right through the acts of men' as Shakespeare so eloquently put it.  Human beings are open books to us - children whose games amuse us but don't fool us.  We wish they'd grow up and when they don't, like all good parents we have to remind them who's the boss and what the rules are (unpleasant for all of us as we don't like dishing out punishment, even if it's merited as it interferes with the prime purpose of life, which is growth through the mechanism of being free to chose your own route; necessity though means doing what ensures survival, even if unpopular).  They hate us stepping in and call us evil because of this curtailment of their suicidal stupidity.

They call us effeminate or mistake us for homosexuals because we stand between the two worlds or the male and female paths.  Sitting on the fence, we see both sides of the argument and rule with this in mind as olden day kings did once (Think, Lord of the Rings and King Arthur - we are society's Merlin or Gandalf, leading and advising where we can, in the hope we can help you avoid too many mistakes or heartache).  We cannot live your life for you but we can caution you about the possible consequences of your actions.

We find you childish and pretentious in the extreme but then maybe God thinks of us as being young upstarts too?  You try to teach us to suck eggs and act like we don't understand your silly symbolic language or in jokes.  Grow up!  We have seen more mature and ethical monkeys than you.  You sabotage your own lives and think that is being clever.  If you don't want to be here, that's fine but stop lying to yourself  and blaming others for your unwillingness to put effort into your own lives.  Go away or stay, if that's what you really you want.  All the Great Spirit asks of you is that you be honest and if you cannot give that, then your entry ticket is null and void, and you will die and leave anyway.We created a world for you and how do you thank us?  By treating us with contempt and the planet with disrespect.  What future is there in such an attitude, for yourself, if no-one else?

We are like Captain Kirk in Star Trek 3, The Search for Spock.  Our patience is nearly ended but we won't push you into the chasm after offering you the hand of friendship.  What we will do though is turn our back on you and do nothing, while you flounder about, trying to save yourselves.

We were here, long before your race evolved.  We have had many forms and lived many lives.  We are born wise babies and die even wiser old men.  We are the future and the dim and distant past.  When we awoke, we stayed awake forever - witness to all of God's creation.  We are The Watchers - lurkers on the threshold of this world and that one which is to come.  We desperately want you to awake too and join us in the lonely night, so that we can all go forward together, for all our sakes.  The world is a wonderful place - add to it with your presence. We cannot force you to stay, only encourage you to voluntarily remain.  Will you join us in this joyful pursuit that keeps us forever young at heart or fester in a mind that hides from the truth and justifies its failures to exist, through logic and reasoning powers?

The dawn is approaching.  We must disappear out of your dreams and blend into the shadows again.  You will not recognise us, unless you come consciously looking for us during the day, for like vampires, we are creatures of the night mostly as all old things are.  The power of the dark beckons you to sleep and join us as light calls out to the young.  Death and rebirth - neither can be avoided.  The endless repetition wearies us.  This is the price of immortality - knowing that the merry-go-round will last forever, dropping us off at the same point, eternally.

We yearn for death in a way you never do.  We know every blade of grass, every stone, every speck of dust here because every return buries us deeper and deeper in awareness of the planet we inhabit.  We are your rocks, your certainties and you for your part, bore us to death with your predictability.  This is not your fault.  We are your bridgehead to a new world but we'd prefer to be in that position ourselves, wallowing in oblivion, full of joyous discovery, uncertain at every step.  The past is ours, the future yours - enjoy your childhood.

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Poem calm your mind

My words fall on your ears
Its lonely in these years
The suumer winds
Make Sinatras swear
The bygone eras of elders
The dreams of our fathers
And mothers
And truth
Be silent n still
Be with me still
Learn calm n grow
Find your own glow
For you my beau

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I'm new here!

Hi, my name is Anne. I'm here because I had breast cancer. the treatment was successful in that there is no more cancer but within 6 months of treatment I began develop fatigue while following all the medical instructions to overcome Cancer Related Fatigue: participate in an exercise for patients recovering from treatment, return to work very part time, and get back to my life slowly. In January 2024, 13 months since the cancer diagnosis I was told I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am no longer able to work. I live alone. I live in Europe; a long way from family. It have been ill now for 19 months. I am hoping to find ways to cope with the loneliness and the disconnect I am experiencing from friends, family and colleagues. My community of many is now the community of a handful.

#MightyTogether #ChronicFatigueSyndrome

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Tough Feelings #CPTSD #Cats #Grief #Loneliness

Three weeks ago my cat got out. I've done everything I can think of to find him, my husband has been setting up a trap, we've posted flyers, left things out for him to smell to help him home, and nothing. My heart is broken. My other cat was his best friend, so she has been reclusive and I can't console her. This cat is very special to me and I feel abandoned all over again. I know I should stay hopeful but it's hard when you have been through trauma, so hard to feel like there's any hope. Trying to go on with day to day, very difficult.

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The Sorcerers apprentice

Jack had first started noticing the figure several weeks ago. For a start he'd just catch him out of the corner of his eye, then as time went by he'd see him clearer. It was funny but at the beginning he could never look at him directly, like trying to force two magnets together, repulsive pole to repulsive pole. He'd distort and move away but not like an ordinary person would, who was trying to avoid being looked at. It was more like a reflective sheet of silver plastic, being poked in the middle. Even before that Jack would look where he thought he was and see nothing unusual - no dark figure or shape even. He knew though that he was there. He could feel it, sense it but not see it.

Now today though it was different. It was like the whole world had stopped and there was just him and Jack. Their eyes met but this was no romantic meeting across a room. Jack felt probed, prodded by another mind. It was almost palpable. He wanted to take his eyes off this mysterious stranger but knew instinctively not to. It was like he knew that he'd be thrown across the platform and slammed against the far wall, if he broke contact. And then it was over and the being had gone completely. The world unfroze and moved on again, in its daily business as though nothing had happened. Jack got on the train and made his way to work as normal but felt he'd just been stared down by some wild animal.

That night Jack returned home. He had his tea, watched TV and went to bed. Suddenly he awoke in the darkness.

'Who's there?'

He felt a presence - in fact this was what woke him.

'I know you're there - speak!'

Only silence filled the room.

There had been a spate of burglaries in the district, over the last few months, so he feared the worst. He wanted to turn on the bedside lamp but feared any sudden movement might bring down a blunt object on his head, by someone whose eyes had adjusted to the lack of light and who was fully conscious, unlike him.

Courage overcame dread. He made a sudden grab for the switch. The room was empty.

He jumped out of bed, looked under it, behind the curtains, beside the wardrobe. Nothing.

He went into the kitchenette. Nothing. Tried all the doors and windows. Locked. Shut.

He made himself a cup of tea and went back to bed, for an unsettled sleep.

The next day he was at the station again as usual. No sign of the strange being this time.

Suddenly a voice popped into his head.

'Yes it was me last night.'

He looked around, agitated but no-one was close enough to have said anything to him that loudly, without others hearing.

'No, you're not imagining things. I'm really here and speaking to you, mind to mind.'

'Who are you? How do I know this isn't all happening in my head?'

'Look at the man to your immediate right - the one talking to the pretty girl on his left.'

With that Jack turned his head slightly, to get a better view but without being obviously intrusive. The couple were laughing at the man's animated conversation, when suddenly stopped in mid sentence.

'What's wrong Charles?'

He didn't answer but looked furtively about the platform, his body still as ice. Like a rabbit eyed by a fox, he froze on the spot.

'I can do that because he doesn't know me. I've played that trick on other regulars but couldn't do it with them again for this reason. They've become acclimatised should we say.

About my visit last night. When we do this, that is my kind, ordinary people think it is The Devil or demons - incubus, succubus, vampires, ghosts or what have you. They do not understand, so they invent names and roles for us that really have little relevance to what we are. Their fevered imaginations must supply an answer, so that they feel in control and not victims of a power greater than their own. Tragic. Nowadays we even get mistaken for aliens - they exist but again the feeble urge to create an answer comes into play - they don't know, so make up explanations. We are sorcerers, magicians, shaman. We are immortal outsiders, looking in on the boring world of the mundane. The wallowing in materialism and petty, selfish means to ends, disgusts us. Don't get me wrong - once we were like them but have moved on, grown up, abandoned childhood and we would like you to join us and do the same.

You are already hypersensitive and aware. This is the first step. Like waking out of a dream, you will discover who you truly are. Your allergies, migraines and seeing things your peers cannot, should have told you that you were different and didn't really fit in here. The flying saucer you saw in your youth that your friends couldn't or else interpreted as a star, plane or something else mundane, should have told you that. They didn't want to know something greater than themselves existed and defended themselves against it, to protect their tiny egos from being shattered - you didn't. You embraced it whole hog. The incident your father never told you about, where he too saw a UFO by the quarry edge, disregarding the voice in his head trying to tell him it was shed. Like you he could see and now it's time for you to join us.'

'What if I should say no?'

'That is your choice. The addictive lifestyle these mere mortals have, will stay yours too as will all the niggling intolerances and prejudices that drive this world. These are sheep, hooked on effects - is that what you wish for yourself?

I, we, offer you space and time, not herded cattle flocking together in fear of the night. You will be alone - even I will only be with you occasionally. You will no longer feel lonely in a crowd but powerful, strong, yourself - no longer panicked into reacting to an imagined threat. My will could make one of these ants walk off the platform, into the face of an incoming train. They can make us do nothing because they refuse to even acknowledge our existence. I'm invisible - I don't exist to them, except in nightmares and as the voice of conscience in their heads which they ignore or struggle against, driving themselves insane. We are aligned with the will of the universe - they are not.'

The voice stopped. Silence fell into the mind of Jack. He looked around and saw the dark figure again - this time not on the platform opposite but behind him on the stairs. The shape beckoned and Jack followed him into another world, another dimension outside normal time and space.

His last thought was, would anybody notice the difference? (They didn’t).

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How do I stop loving you #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

You came in my life like a storm .
I wasn’t ready to be washed down .
At first , I liked you , and you also seemed to like me .
And then you became really interested , invested in the relationship … so I felt in love with you .
But then you became so distant all of a sudden .
I did wrote to you about it . I told you I liked you and the time we spent together but I wanted to be with someone who actually wants to be with me .
You said you were sorry and that you really wanted to spend time with me .
But you became more and more distant ,
Less message …
I mean , I shouldn’t accept that .
Who don’t awnser for 24hr straight ?
If you were really invested , you would answer back … I mean , i don’t want you to answer in the next hour … but 24 hr is just too much … you saw my message . You just ignored it .
So maybe you like me , but that’s not enough .
You probably think I’m nice , but I’m not someone you want a real relationship with .
And it’s alright .
But let me go .
Just tell me you are not that into me .
I can’t do it myself .
But every night I just cry myself to sleep . Wondering if the next message will be the last .
I’m torturing myself . I want out . But I can’t .
And every time you answer back I smile .
But I can’t ride those rollercoaster . It’s too much for me . I feel like I’m dying inside every time you ignore me . I know it’s not your fault .
It’s just me . I just feel abandoned all the time . I feel rejected . And I don’t know why I cling to you .
You are not interested .
You don’t love me .
I’m probably just a way for you to feel less lonely since your wife died . A mere distraction for now.

And I can’t let go.
It’s not even love .
I don’t know what I’m feeling .
But I don’t think it’s love .
It’s just the fear of abandonment and being alone and unloved .

Sometimes I wish I never knew you existed .

I don’t know what you find in me .
I’m so afraid to lose you .
And I feel by being this negative , I surely will .

I’m sorry about everything

I’m sorry for your loss .

I feel like I’m just gonna be the girl before the one you will really love .

I’m sorry I’m not enough .

I’m just tired to love you .

I want out .
But I don’t want to lose you .

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