I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder over twenty years ago and I’ve attempted to manage it with a flurry of medication, therapy, exercise, meditation and so forth.
Despite my efforts, I wasn’t able to experience mental stability for more than a few months at a time.
Last summer, a very attentive and thorough psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder (BD). It was huge and a pivotal part of my ability to finally recognize and manage my symptoms. It’s a strange way to describe this revelation but it was comforting.
Receiving a BD diagnosis allowed me to make sense of past behavior that I’ve carried guilt and shame about for years. I’m finally able to untangle bipolar symptoms from my personality.
For over twenty years, I’ve been insufficiently treated for depression. This is not uncommon. According to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, women are more likely to be misdiagnosed with depression. I was one of those women.
There are depressive elements of BD but there are also manic symptoms that can wreak havoc on your life. My symptoms were relatively low-grade so they’ve been hiding in plain sight.
There is a misconception that people with mental illness are “crazy” and have detectable symptoms. This is not true.
I earned bachelor’s and master’s degrees and held down jobs. At the same time, I dealt with suicidal thoughts (and attempted suicide a few times), forged unhealthy relationships, and unknowingly behaved in ways that hurt others.
Clinicians and therapists missed my BD because I fall in the gray area where my symptoms don’t lean strongly toward mania. The term “bipolar” is a misnomer. In reality, it’s expressed on a spectrum, not two extremes.
I’m thankful that the psychiatrist who diagnosed me correctly was intentional in reviewing my extensive mental health history and asked pointed questions to understand my experience. She reframed my understanding of myself and my past. She changed my life.
I still struggle with overwhelming symptoms that make daily functioning a challenge but I’m hopeful that, in time, I will reach the prolonged mental stability I’ve fought so hard to achieve.
Treatment is only effective when you're properly diagnosed and receiving support for all of your symptoms.
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Source: Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. “Treatment for Bipolar Disorder.” Bipolar Disorder Statistics - Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance
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