Relationships

The Lifelong Echo of Healing: On the Non-Linear Grief of Abuse Recovery

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." — Maya Angelou

"Healing isn’t linear," we’re often told, usually in the context of conventional grief—the kind with a clear beginning, middle, and eventual end. But the grief that follows abuse is different. It’s not about losing a person; it’s about losing yourself. It’s multifaceted, repetitive, and layered, a constant echo tied inextricably to your identity, not finality.

Surviving abuse means navigating multiple losses simultaneously. You’re not just grieving a relationship; you’re mourning the collapse of your worldview, the death of the person you were before you knew the darkness, and the shattering of the future you thought you were building.

"Trauma is not just an event that took place in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on the mind, body, and brain." — Bessel van der Kolk

This is where cognitive dissonance takes hold—a disorienting fog where you struggle to untangle genuine love from calculated manipulation, attempting to rebuild your fundamental beliefs about safety, relationships, and self-worth.

"Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence." — Peter Levine

It’s a cycle of rebuilding, failing, and repeating old patterns. The painful recognition of finding yourself in yet another familiar dynamic brings shame, but it is not a personal failure. It’s your nervous system, still patterned for survival rather than safety, picking the familiar pain until you consciously outgrow it.

The Stacking Stones of Loss

The challenge intensifies because the world doesn't pause for your recovery. Other losses—deaths, breakups, setbacks—stack atop existing wounds, each new grief pulling the unresolved layers of old trauma to the surface. Every setback reactivates memories that never fully settled.

Yet, within this difficult cycle lies a strange beauty: every resurfacing wound is a new chance. Another chance to see deeper, understand what was previously incomprehensible, and, crucially, to respond rather than collapse. This is how you begin to rewire the places that once trapped you.

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." — James Baldwin

Each time, the fall isn't as far. The stay isn't as long. You rise quicker, see the pattern clearer.

This is the real meaning of "healing isn't linear." Not a neat spiral or an infographic, but a long, messy, repeating cycle until your identity and soul evolve into something steadier. Maybe the endpoint isn't a final, self-actualized state, but the sovereign self: the version of you who can hold the grief without losing herself within it.

The journey doesn’t end. It just changes shape, becoming easier to carry. And you become a person who no longer fears the next round, because you have finally committed to not abandoning yourself when it comes. Keep building that beautiful life.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." — Joseph Campbell

Action Step: Pattern Recognition With Compassion

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." — Carl Jung

Healing demands awareness, not shame. When you notice you’ve repeated a relationship pattern or found yourself in the same emotional cycle, approach it with curiosity rather than criticism.

Ask yourself these questions, using the moment as feedback:

Did I see it sooner this time?

Did I leave sooner?

Did it destroy me as much—or did I recover faster?

Did I understand the pattern more clearly?

What did this round teach me about myself, my needs, and my wounds?

What part of me grew because of this experience?

What still needs strengthening, softening, or healing in me?

This is not an exercise in shame. It’s an exercise in awareness, evolution, and nervous system tracking.

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." — Carl Jung

Every repeated pattern is not failure—it’s feedback. And each time it happens, you’re given another opportunity to grow deeper roots, sharpen your discernment, and expand your self-trust. If you need professional support in navigating these patterns, confidential and trained trauma specialists are available via the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline.

What Is CPTSD

CPTSD, or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a condition that can result from prolonged and repeated childhood trauma. It is distinct from PTSD due to its pervasive and complex symptoms. Not only that, but people with CPTSD may experience difficulties with emotional regulation, self-perception, and relationships, in addition to the core symptoms of PTSD. Last but not least, the most common treatments for CPTSD include different types of psychotherapy, medications, exercising, settling realistic goals, being kind and patient to oneself, and attending support groups.

What Is A Personality Disorder?

A personality disorder is a mental health condition that is characterized by enduring patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that significantly differ from a person's culture and are inflexible. These patterns are long-term, cause distress, and can interfere with a person's ability to function in relationships, work, and other areas of life. On the other hand, the most common causes of a personality disorder include environmental factors, genetics, and trauma. Oh and symptoms vary widely depending on the specific disorder and often include difficulties with emotional regulation, self-identity, impulse control, and interpersonal relationships. Last but not least, the most common treatments for personality disorders include psychotherapy, medication, and receiving a diagnosis.

Somehow despite the nagging presumption I can't really have any relationships, the fact that I'm wrong about that probably must be the only reason I survived as long as I have. That's something I need to be direct about with someone who helped me. I think #Autism leads to disastrous misconceptions about emotions & gender roles as a result. As a guy, in the majority of that group, I feel it's more frowned upon to talk about this.

What Is Depression?
Depression is a serious mood and mental health disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and acts. With that being said, the symptoms of depression include persistent sadness, loss of interest, fatigue, and sleep or appetite changes. On the other hand, it is often caused by a combination of biological, genetic, and environmental factors and is treatable with therapies like psychotherapy and medication, and often requires professional help for diagnosis and management. Last but not least, untreated depression can lead to severe consequences, including relationship problems, substance misuse, and suicidal thoughts.

What Does The Phrase Walking On Eggshells Mean?
The phrase "walking on eggshells" means to be extremely careful about what you say or do around someone because they are known to be easily upset, offended, or angered. On the contrary, this cautious behavior is also intended to avoid conflict or a negative reaction much like one would tread carefully to avoid breaking fragile eggshells. Last but not least, this phrase is often even used to describe relationships where one person feels a constant sense of tension and fear.