Relationships

I’m tired, I think being a believer these days makes things harder. Trying to be good is being taken for granted, loving deeply is also not a good idea. I love a girl deeply but we broke up. She is super nice and lovely, but when she get mad she do and say things that hurted me a lot. The way she regulate her emotions was too much harsh towards me, I seek to be close during argument. She seek to block me, close her phone. Leave me in void. Now even though I love her but I wish I never met with her, exactly as she wished she never met me. I throw myself in a small town closer to her in distance so I can meet her more often, she said I’m not sincere because I mentioned that, she asked me what to do in the new year, and I said I don’t know, I just moved on recently, I needed to do things back in the other city where I lived, but it seems I have to feel the pain of guilt if I want to manage things in my life too. For her I’m not a leader, uncertain and don’t give clarity. As much as I want to be with her but as much as I can’t just keep losing myself more. In that last call she said i have to decide faster, because if I won’t be with her she want to find cheap flights and travel. (Knowing that we agreed that non of us travel alone), she didn’t understand that I needed some days to say what’s the plan, and I got mad that because it’s always the case during argument she do the opposite of what we agreed on, so my mind without thinking said let’s end it here. She closed the call on my face as she usually do, then I call her again and I found out that, I’m chasing someone who don’t value my love. Finding new job and relocating and the energy I put to show her that I want her went to the trash. That time I got many work offers and I decided to get to the one closer to her, even though I know I’m putting myself in an empty space that has no people. I blindly go there for her, and she wants to go to further city. And I just needed some months to find a bigger house so later I can make a family. I showed her pure love, maybe I couldn’t do as much others do but with the power and energy I have I did. I do love her, and I know I put myself in this and i have to be responsible which I’m responsible of it now, but I swear by the name of God, if in any case she can be judged by God, I would not say no. Because despite of all the times she pushed me away I still came to her, always, not because I’m desperate, but because I valued my connection with her, I wanted to grow up and let her grow as well. All I know that she lost her spark because of me, she got mad and said I’m waste of time. Sometimes threaten me indirectly, and I kept giving and giving time and energy because I know she deserves it, she is really nice person. But trying to put more for her is like watering the sand that will never give you plants 🌱. I’m now man with full time job and I wanted to settle down, I still don’t know why god wanted me to meet her? To say I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. If in these two years I focus on goals it will be way better for me that chasing the wrong person. If she will ever read this, and she is happy now I wish I’m happier than her, if there is a way at any cost I could do to remove her from my heart I will do it, because she didn’t value me, my effort and my love. Sometimes I feel sad for her and I say I won’t text her or try to get her back because she might be able to be happy without me, but meanwhile I say I should be sad for myself that I went to a new place for her and that dicsion cant be undone, I lost my friends and the people I know here to get closer to her and just to be with her. Deep inside me I’m worried about her if she is okay or not, but meanwhile, I know the best revenge is to remove her fully from my heart as she never was there. Why, is because she didn’t only leave me but left words that day and night make me cry like a kid. She even called me a woman because I cry. There were a lot of red flags, but I ignored it. At the beginning of the relationship she told me something I forgot how to write it but it means something like if you will be dating someone else she might really break you down and make you feel worse. She kept calling me liar, brining all her traumas into me and I still showed her that I love her and I still now love her but I’m super mad at her and I need some help and within me to find a clousre and also sadly because I was planning to marry her next year, her mom als liked me. But she was not fine. I never regret anything in my life, but I would be happier if I didn’t feel this pain, and I ask God to let her know what she lost. But I know her she doesnot care, I bet she have no emotions, she told me she can easily forget me. I was just humiliated by her. I tried to contain her but she never really contained me when I’m tired and sad, especially when the problem is between me and her, she just go. And I don’t want this life anymore, and once I reached this stage and I told her that how much I get tired from all that, she told me if I die I’m coward. Maybe she doesnot know but she have maninpulative behaviour. And guess what, I bet she is meeting new dudes now. I know it’s going to hurt me so much, but yes I know if we love someone we should forgive them and wish them the best but I’m too much hurt that I wish she feel the same pain that I’m feeling now. I wish she become emotional one day and cry for everything she did to me.

My husband took his own life in 1997. Leaving behind me and his 2 young sons, ages 6 and 3 years old at the time. I raised my sons with the help of my parents out of this tragedy. Sometimes I feel that I’ve never gotten through the grieving process. In those early years I focused on taking care of my sons and work. Afraid of ever being in a close committed relationship again because this loss was so painful and tragic. I never imagined that he would leave us and so suddenly in such a way with unanswered questions. Not understanding what he could have possibly been thinking or going through. I’ve thought many times that it’s probably a good sign for me that I don’t understand because I wouldn’t ever want to be where he was in his mind. Fortunately, my sons are fine and have grown into very insightful young men. I’m very proud of them and the journey that they had to overcome by putting this behind them. Growing up without a father wasn’t easy for them nor talking about how he died, we all went to counseling. The grieving process was intense at times, coming in waves of crying and pangs of guilt.

The manner in which it all happened up until now has been almost too disturbing to put into words. My husband had a home office downstairs at our house. I went down to check on him as it was getting late, and he hadn’t had dinner yet. We had a conversation, and I could tell that he wasn’t the same. He spoke in the 3rd person and then he pulled out a gun from his top drawer. I was shocked to see a gun because I never knew we had one and we had agreed a long time ago to never have a gun in the house. I struggled with him to get the gun away, terrified but I thought it was the only way to stop him. He fought me off and my hands slipped from the gun, he ran out the back door and shot himself. Our 2 little children were upstairs in the house. I ran to the phone and called 911, the police came, and the medivac helicopter landed in our yard. The police told me I never should’ve grabbed the gun because he would’ve shot me and himself. I remember saying he never would’ve hurt me. Still to this day seeing a helicopter brings back a flash of that day. And I do now see some truth in what the policeman tried to tell me that he wasn’t in his right mind, and he could’ve done anything. Mental health issues are not only devastating, it’s dangerous.

I struggled for years thinking if I could’ve gotten the gun away, he would’ve been o.k., or I should’ve done something else to stop him. I’ve come to realize that none of this was due to my failure or anyone’s fault. My husband had severe mental illness. Just like someone has cancer, it’s an illness. No one gets blamed for having cancer or other physical illness and no one should be blamed or expect someone with mental illness to just get over it without medical treatment. More research needs to be done to find better pharmaceuticals for treatment.

I look at movies now and realize how ridiculous they are when they depict talking someone off a ledge as if it was so easy. It’s not that simple and it’s not real life. I’m writing my story now to let people see and understand the complexity of mental illness and the shattered lives left in the wake. For survivors it stays with you for a lifetime. I do want to offer encouragement for survivors that through it all my sons and I have had so many joyful moments together and celebrated our successes. While in the beginning it was all consuming, it has faded and is now a part of our lives. What happened to us isn’t what defines us. And, my husband had a whole life, he was a loving father, husband, and friend to many. The way he died isn’t his legacy.

Sitting on the back porch with Buddy before the next cold weather front moves in Tuesday. I love the early morning as my mind is clear before the day really starts. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and the stress was at a minimal. I use this period to reflect the past year and to set new goals for next year. I’ve found that making New Year’s resolutions are a joke as I break them usually by the following day. Instead I make goals. This makes things more obtainable. This upcoming year there will be some major changes as my wife is retiring. It truly seems like we were just dating in high school. Time flies is a understatement! It’s also the time to refigure retirement as a new chapter is just beginning. That by itself can be a challenge. When your not used to being together 24 hours a day, 7 days a week can be a challenge just by itself. My Honey Do list is already overflowing. When your young and the relationship is new and fresh it’s different. After 48 years of marriage it can be hard lol. We both have our routines, interests some which are different so I can see some debates are in the future . Any man that says he runs the house is either lying or confused lol. I know who the Boss is and it isn’t me. I hope everyone is doing fine and start thinking of the “Goals” you’d like to see this next year….Buddy and I sending our Love….David

Hi, my name is cresy_blue. Am I actually slowly losing myself??(Yes, another mental health issue case or not, please be patient. if you are a therapist, I would love to hear your suggestions.)19F second-year computer application student.Recently, I cried during a lecture. Why?
Even I don’t know, maybe it was pent up, my marks just triggered this. I got 22/40, pretty average(I have scored worse), and I’m used to it, but the first time I cried, not because of marks, but because of how I saw that I’m failing myself. My friend, who scored low in every course, scored better than I did. no I do not blame her. I blamed myself. I know I could have scored better, but I did not even try. I just read for 2 hours before the exam. That’s it, crazy, never did I ever go so low.

And even if I had studied a day before, I know I could have scored, but I just couldn’t concentrate. I just put it off, saying I'll study it afterwards instead doom scrolled Instagram and reading thoughtless fanfictions. My brain has lost its sense of priority; this is not the first time either. I did this almost every exam, and because of that, I even have a backlog.

These days, every single time something doesn’t go my way, I get so frustrated. Recently, we had a fun week in which they had character day and mix-n-match day. but 2 days before the event, they changed into twin day and jersey day. I was swearing the building would just burn; the same thing wouldn’t have bothered me 3 years ago. I was prepared, and it didn’t go that way. Many times, similar minor incidents have occurred.

Is it pressure? I thought my mom was never in front of me, at least demanded to be a topper of my father: you passed great!My friends, most of them are smart. And I believe I don’t even have a toxic relationship with them either.Nor do I have pressure, not even a lecture problem; I have every resource and every gadget needed comfortable space to work, am I really just lazy? Yes, I have realized, but that does not help overcome my problem at all.

I have nothing unfair going on in my life, and I stopped doing my favorite hobbies; I’m getting less creative day by day. (feels improbable because I would be the most creative person you would have met in my school days) I’m putting off everything: assignments, study, hobbies, getting up early, going to sleep,(I even put off posting this).

I get tired, bored, or simply sad whenever I start to study nowadays (no, I was not like this before).Do you relate to this? Please suggest something to get over this. I don’t want to remain the same. I would love to hear your story. (No blaming pls I have drained myself doing that)
TMI: It has come to my attention that I have a normal period when I don’t go to college for months. Once the semester starts, I start having irregular periods.

#MightyTogether