Relationships

Update to my previous post
I was struggling to let go of my favorite character for almost three years now. Today is the first night I actually feel better. I realized- l am not cheating on him. I am growing. Making room to have a real, meaningful relationship. Knowing he can always have a place in my heart and that he truly made me feel loved. I'm taking the steps I need to take, actually getting out more to meet my forever. My partner. My mate. I want to meet someone and have a baby. And possibly move to either Alaska, or back to my beloved native lands of Washington state and raise my babies and have a life with my lover. Tomorrow I am going to go to the park, have a picnic alone to relax and reminisce about my feelings for my future. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up seeing a potential mate. 🩷 If anyone has more advice where to go to meet that someone or anything thoughts about this, please let me know!

I’ve been thinking lately a lot about the very question that is the title of this post. Am I really at my core the girl who feels lost and confused about almost every single aspect of her life? Or am I that positive thinking funny girl who really doesn’t care if she fits the mold of what so many people consider normal? Part of me thinks that I can exist being both, but that just doesn’t sit right with me. How can the same person essentially be someone who feels and exhibits completely polar opposite traits and actually go throughout life with any sort of meaning and sense of direction? Another part of me tries to make sense of it and says that yes, the two can coexist along a sort of spectrum of personality traits that kind of wax and wane throughout life. But that explanation only frustrates me and saddens me because I am so tired of having to navigate the world not knowing which one will present itself when I wake up every day. It’s exhausting for me and I feel like that is the source as to why I can never really keep the close relationships I crave from others. I feel once others get to know me and we move beyond the superficial level of knowing someone, things inevitable start to go downhill and decline. I try to keep myself level and at some sort of a baseline, but then I don’t feel anything at all. I just turned 45 and feel like I should have a better grasp and understanding of myself at this point, but then again I also may never accomplish that.

Does wisdom come with age

What or Who opens doors

What rules does a good relationship hold?

What damages us

IS IT LOVE

IS IT UNCONCERN

IS IT STANDARDS

HOW COULD SOMEONE CHERISH SOMETHING BENEATH THEM

HOW COULD SOMEONE CHERISH SOMETHING SOMETHING ABOVE THEM

WHAT IS AN EGALITARIAN SOCIETY

WHAT ARE THE GOALS FOR PEACE

IF EVERY ARTIST HAS AN EXTREME SAY

AND EACH GENERATION CONQUERS ITS OWN CONFUSION

AS IT GROWS WISER

NOT MORE STUPID

DO EVERYDAY HABITS MAKE US BLIND

BLIND TO OVERCONSUMERISM

BLIND TO OUR DISTINCT IDENTITIES

WHEN SEARCHING FOR SOUL MAKES US LOST

CAUSE ITS NOT EVERYONE

AND YOUR WORDS ARE JUST WORDS

UNLESS YOU PUT ACTION IN THEM

LIKE CONSERVATION

ACCEPTANCE OF SOME AS SAME

AND SOME AS TEACHERS

SOME AS THWARTED WITHOUT DUTY

SOME AS GRATEFUL FOR THEIRS AND THOSE

SOME AS INJURED

SOME AS LIVING LIFE FILLED AND SATISFIED

CONTENT AT STATUS AND STATUS QUO

CONTENT TO GIVE THEIR KIDS A GOOD WORLD THEY STILL BELIEVE IN

CONTENT TO PROTECT

UNLESS YOU LEAVE THE PROTECT BELIEF

AND AFFECT CHANGE THROUGH NON VIOLENCE

WHEN DO YOU SAY ENUF

WHEN DO YOU SERVE THE WORTHY

WHEN YOU ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU ARE SERVING THE WORTHY

IF YOU WERE HERE DAY IN DAY OUT

YOU"D KNOW

WE MEET

WE BELIEVE IN OUR ESTEEMED MUSICS MUSES AND INDUSTRY

AND OUR PATRIOT'S LOVE

WHERE TRADITIONS DON'T LEAVE US

FOR EVERYONE'S TEARING APART AND OPINION ON A TOO FREE INTERNET

I don't know

Ok

We repair our minds, bodies and relationships with the outside world, when we want to live again.

When we are ill, mentally or physically, we have no urge to think or do anything. Imagination (inspiration) kicks back in, when we seek connection with the outside world.

When we start to get better, our perception of the outside world sharpens but we may still be left with annoying bodily symptoms, distracting our attention away from tasks (poor motor skills / accident prone state / not grounded). Return to full health, means full control of our mental faculties and physical capabilities.

Chronic Illness Tips

Rest
Eat foods you can tolerate that are healthy
Build supportive relationships and supportive health care
Education and do research about your condition
Don’t over do it
Establish a good sleep and hygiene schedule
Engage in hobbies
Exercise when and if you can

I think it's time to let the secret out of the box my autistic kids have the idea of a person being unfaithful.Sounds like it's worst than murder for them.
I wrote my story before, I cheated on my abusive partner. I was tired of being incompetent, stupid, the "bad mother", "the one who cannot do anything right"... I tried separation, he refused, he told I was unstable, crazy, and I would lost the kids, no judge would ever let the kids with someone like me.
One thing he said was right, I was stupid. I believed him, I was terrified of him.
I wanted someone to like me, to admire me, doesn't matter what. A bit of background, I was living in his country, not mine. So, I did, and as I expected, he found out about all the people I went out (in less than 2 years).
He still didn't let me go, the threats were even worst, of course. I consider killing myself, I started cutting myself, if he wouldn't let me go, I wouldn't be his, I would be a person in pieces. I was wearing size 0, developed a brutal eating disorder.
He raped me twice while we were still together.
The problem is, after I left, he became abusive with the kids! Then he would use everything he could against me, bullying me, saying no judge would give me the kids. -Oh he would not call rape, I was his wife afterall.
Things go up and down, I felt extremely guilt for what I did, I always try to keep a good relationship because he is lonely, he can't get along with anybody... He fights with neighbours, sister, brother, friends.
He gives, gives and gives, expecting back what he judges right, not what people have to offer.
Recently he rented the house for me, for a good price- a bit more than what I was paying before: no contract, no trace of rent - all paid in cash. I thought it was a good exchange for him because it will be hard to sell a house like that, it's just like it was in 1960; a few modifications his father made over time, just minimum to keep it. There were also the problem with the will and etc. so, the house is not empty, it's good for both of us.
No! Everytime there is a problem with the adult kids, he wants me to interfere and help them to talk to him again. Last time he called his autistic kid an idiot! That was the last straw for his brother, who can't take the abuse anymore! He is cutting contact with him.
That verbal abuse is constant against all of us, we are moving again. But the abuse won't die, next he will go back using what I did, threatening to tell the kids again. My stomach is turning around .... They are adults , 22, but it will damage their mental health even more!
At the same time, I don't think my kids should picture me as perfect; I'm not! What I did was infling damage in someone who is sooo messed up that all he could do was hurt me.
He doesn't accept his mistakes, but he took his father -while still alive- asking to say he was sorry for being phisical abusive. But he doesn't make mistakes, he is right all the time; I'm soft and destroying the kids life.