Relationships

Hey mom,
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to explain in a better way to you why it’s so hard for me to maintain stability in my work life, relationships, and overall emotional health because of BPD… I know I’ve had jobs, gone to college a little, and even seemed to have had “good” moments. But behind all of that, I’ve been grappling with something that has affected nearly every aspect of my life: the deeply profound and impactful chaos of Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is much more than just mood swings or being overly emotional. It’s a complex mental health disorder that affects how I see myself, how I relate to others, and how I manage stress. It creates instability in relationships, self-image, and behavior that can make it nearly impossible to sustain anything long-term. I know you know all this but I don't believe you fully KNOW…. When you’re living with BPD, your brain processes things differently…. every interaction, every task, every relationship can feel overwhelming. For me, this has been the case for as long as I can remember, though I didn’t have the language to describe it back then.

When it comes to work, BPD makes it incredibly difficult to maintain a sense of consistency. While I may have appeared functional and even competent in my work roles back then, internally, I’ve often felt like I was walking on a tightrope (the rise of my chronic pain and Lupus didn't help much either but that's a whole other baggage of details and info to elaborate on). With BPD, especially not even knowing i had it at the time, thinking i was normal with just a tiny bit of depression…. I’d experience periods where I was highly motivated (i still do, to this day, even knowing i have BPD), but those phases would be followed by deep emotional lows where I found it hard to even get out of bed. These low points have lasted days, weeks, and even months, making it nearly impossible to commit to any long-term projects or positions. Which ultimately destroy my relationships and other aspects of my life. And it comes to more than just choosing to get out of bed and do things, it's different than regular depression… it's more similar to a bipolar low… but sadly unlike bipolar, they don't make medication for borderline…
One of the main characteristics of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment, and while this usually relates to personal relationships, it can spill over into work life too. I often felt like I didn’t belong or that people would reject me, so I’d either push them away first or leave before they could abandon me. This fear has played a role in why none of my jobs have lasted more than two years. It’s not that I didn’t want to work or couldn’t handle the tasks… I could… but the mental strain became too much to bear, and I’d eventually hit a breaking point. In my personal relationships, BPD has had a similar, if not more intense, impact. One of the hallmarks of the disorder is unstable interpersonal relationships. Many of my friendships and romantic relationships have been marked by extremes… intense closeness followed by sudden withdrawal or feelings of isolation. (Which has ultimately led me to avoidance and withdrawal the last couple years in general, trying to maintain healthy relationships with more than my husband just sounds like an exhausting task despite you and so many others being worth the risk) The emotional highs and lows that come with BPD can make it hard to sustain balanced, healthy connections. A lot of my earlier romantic relationships haven’t lasted longer than a year or two because of this. And keeping distance has actually helped me keep certain relationships I still have now with so many friends of mine… so I'm sure you can see why I chose distance over what I use to do? Plan, cling, talk a lot, call a lot, constantly be around…..
It’s not that I didn’t and don't care about the people in my life; in fact, I’ve often cared too much and still do. I feel everything so intensely that even minor conflicts felt earth-shattering, leading to emotional outbursts, depression, or long periods of self-isolation. The fear of being abandoned or misunderstood has made me push people away at times, even though what I craved most was their understanding and support.
My marriage has been the one area of my life where I’ve fought hard to maintain stability. But it’s not easy. Every day feels like a battle, and I live in constant fear that I’ll do or say something that will ruin everything. It’s exhausting because I care so deeply about my husband and our relationship. I’ve worked harder on this marriage than on anything else in my life, and it’s lasted longer than anything else I’ve ever committed to. That being said, my BPD still affects our relationship, daily. I have moments where I feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity… confusion, anger, fear, and sadness all at once… and it takes a toll on us both. I’m scared every day that I’m not doing enough or that one mistake will be the end. But I keep trying because this marriage means everything to me.
One of the hardest parts of living with BPD is the darkness that can consume me during emotional lows. These aren’t just bad days; they’re stretches of deep depression and hopelessness that can last weeks, months, and even a couple years with some symptoms. During these times, it’s hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel, and it feels like the world is closing in on me. This emotional pain has, at times, paralyzed me, making it nearly impossible to function in everyday life.

I know it might be hard for you to understand why I haven’t been able to hold down jobs, maintain long-term relationships, or achieve the goals you might have expected for me. But I hope this explanation helps you see that BPD isn’t something I can just “push through” or “get over.” It’s a part of me, and it affects everything I do. But I’m trying my best, and my efforts may not look like everyone else’s, but they are real, and they are difficult. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from and that, despite these challenges, I’m still fighting every day to improve and to live a meaningful life.
-aubs

09-15-24

Hey mom,
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to explain in a better way to you why it’s so hard for me to maintain stability in my work life, relationships, and overall emotional health because of BPD… I know I’ve had jobs, gone to college a little, and even seemed to have had “good” moments. But behind all of that, I’ve been grappling with something that has affected nearly every aspect of my life: the deeply profound and impactful chaos of Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is much more than just mood swings or being overly emotional. It’s a complex mental health disorder that affects how I see myself, how I relate to others, and how I manage stress. It creates instability in relationships, self-image, and behavior that can make it nearly impossible to sustain anything long-term. I know you know all this but I don't believe you fully KNOW…. When you’re living with BPD, your brain processes things differently…. every interaction, every task, every relationship can feel overwhelming. For me, this has been the case for as long as I can remember, though I didn’t have the language to describe it back then.

When it comes to work, BPD makes it incredibly difficult to maintain a sense of consistency. While I may have appeared functional and even competent in my work roles back then, internally, I’ve often felt like I was walking on a tightrope (the rise of my chronic pain and Lupus didn't help much either but that's a whole other baggage of details and info to elaborate on). With BPD, especially not even knowing i had it at the time, thinking i was normal with just a tiny bit of depression…. I’d experience periods where I was highly motivated (i still do, to this day, even knowing i have BPD), but those phases would be followed by deep emotional lows where I found it hard to even get out of bed. These low points have lasted days, weeks, and even months, making it nearly impossible to commit to any long-term projects or positions. Which ultimately destroy my relationships and other aspects of my life. And it comes to more than just choosing to get out of bed and do things, it's different than regular depression… it's more similar to a bipolar low… but sadly unlike bipolar, they don't make medication for borderline…
One of the main characteristics of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment, and while this usually relates to personal relationships, it can spill over into work life too. I often felt like I didn’t belong or that people would reject me, so I’d either push them away first or leave before they could abandon me. This fear has played a role in why none of my jobs have lasted more than two years. It’s not that I didn’t want to work or couldn’t handle the tasks… I could… but the mental strain became too much to bear, and I’d eventually hit a breaking point. In my personal relationships, BPD has had a similar, if not more intense, impact. One of the hallmarks of the disorder is unstable interpersonal relationships. Many of my friendships and romantic relationships have been marked by extremes… intense closeness followed by sudden withdrawal or feelings of isolation. (Which has ultimately led me to avoidance and withdrawal the last couple years in general, trying to maintain healthy relationships with more than my husband just sounds like an exhausting task despite you and so many others being worth the risk) The emotional highs and lows that come with BPD can make it hard to sustain balanced, healthy connections. A lot of my earlier romantic relationships haven’t lasted longer than a year or two because of this. And keeping distance has actually helped me keep certain relationships I still have now with so many friends of mine… so I'm sure you can see why I chose distance over what I use to do? Plan, cling, talk a lot, call a lot, constantly be around…..
It’s not that I didn’t and don't care about the people in my life; in fact, I’ve often cared too much and still do. I feel everything so intensely that even minor conflicts felt earth-shattering, leading to emotional outbursts, depression, or long periods of self-isolation. The fear of being abandoned or misunderstood has made me push people away at times, even though what I craved most was their understanding and support.
My marriage has been the one area of my life where I’ve fought hard to maintain stability. But it’s not easy. Every day feels like a battle, and I live in constant fear that I’ll do or say something that will ruin everything. It’s exhausting because I care so deeply about my husband and our relationship. I’ve worked harder on this marriage than on anything else in my life, and it’s lasted longer than anything else I’ve ever committed to. That being said, my BPD still affects our relationship, daily. I have moments where I feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity… confusion, anger, fear, and sadness all at once… and it takes a toll on us both. I’m scared every day that I’m not doing enough or that one mistake will be the end. But I keep trying because this marriage means everything to me.
One of the hardest parts of living with BPD is the darkness that can consume me during emotional lows. These aren’t just bad days; they’re stretches of deep depression and hopelessness that can last weeks, months, and even a couple years with some symptoms. During these times, it’s hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel, and it feels like the world is closing in on me. This emotional pain has, at times, paralyzed me, making it nearly impossible to function in everyday life.

I know it might be hard for you to understand why I haven’t been able to hold down jobs, maintain long-term relationships, or achieve the goals you might have expected for me. But I hope this explanation helps you see that BPD isn’t something I can just “push through” or “get over.” It’s a part of me, and it affects everything I do. But I’m trying my best, and my efforts may not look like everyone else’s, but they are real, and they are difficult. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from and that, despite these challenges, I’m still fighting every day to improve and to live a meaningful life.
-aubs

09-15-24

Hey mom,
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how to explain in a better way to you why it’s so hard for me to maintain stability in my work life, relationships, and overall emotional health because of BPD… I know I’ve had jobs, gone to college a little, and even seemed to have had “good” moments. But behind all of that, I’ve been grappling with something that has affected nearly every aspect of my life: the deeply profound and impactful chaos of Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is much more than just mood swings or being overly emotional. It’s a complex mental health disorder that affects how I see myself, how I relate to others, and how I manage stress. It creates instability in relationships, self-image, and behavior that can make it nearly impossible to sustain anything long-term. I know you know all this but I don't believe you fully KNOW…. When you’re living with BPD, your brain processes things differently…. every interaction, every task, every relationship can feel overwhelming. For me, this has been the case for as long as I can remember, though I didn’t have the language to describe it back then.

When it comes to work, BPD makes it incredibly difficult to maintain a sense of consistency. While I may have appeared functional and even competent in my work roles back then, internally, I’ve often felt like I was walking on a tightrope (the rise of chronic pain didn't help much either but that's a whole other baggage of details and info to elaborate on). With BPD, especially not even knowing i had it at the time, thinking i was normal with just a tiny bit of depression…. I’d experience periods where I was highly motivated (i still do, to this day, even knowing i have BPD), but those phases would be followed by deep emotional lows where I found it hard to even get out of bed. These low points have lasted days, weeks, and even months, making it nearly impossible to commit to any long-term projects or positions. Which ultimately destroy my relationships and pther aspects of my life. And it comes to more than just choosing to get out of bed and do things, it's different than regular depression… it's more similar to a bipolar low… but sadly unlike bipolar, they don't make medication for borderline…
One of the main characteristics of BPD is an intense fear of abandonment, and while this usually relates to personal relationships, it can spill over into work life too. I often felt like I didn’t belong or that people would reject me, so I’d either push them away first or leave before they could abandon me. This fear has played a role in why none of my jobs have lasted more than two years. It’s not that I didn’t want to work or couldn’t handle the tasks… I could… but the mental strain became too much to bear, and I’d eventually hit a breaking point. In my personal relationships, BPD has had a similar, if not more intense, impact. One of the hallmarks of the disorder is unstable interpersonal relationships. Many of my friendships and romantic relationships have been marked by extremes… intense closeness followed by sudden withdrawal or feelings of isolation. (Which has ultimately led me to avoidance and withdrawal the last couple years in general, trying to maintain healthy relationships with more than my husband just sounds like an exhausting task despite you and so many others being worth the risk) The emotional highs and lows that come with BPD can make it hard to sustain balanced, healthy connections. A lot of my earlier romantic relationships haven’t lasted longer than a year or two because of this. And keeping distance has actually helped me keep certain relationships I still have now with so many friends of mine… so I'm sure you can see why I chose distance over what I use to do? Plan, cling, talk a lot, call a lot, constantly be around…..
It’s not that I didn’t and don't care about the people in my life; in fact, I’ve often cared too much and still do. I feel everything so intensely that even minor conflicts felt earth-shattering, leading to emotional outbursts, depression, or long periods of self-isolation. The fear of being abandoned or misunderstood has made me push people away at times, even though what I craved most was their understanding and support.
My marriage has been the one area of my life where I’ve fought hard to maintain stability. But it’s not easy. Every day feels like a battle, and I live in constant fear that I’ll do or say something that will ruin everything. It’s exhausting because I care so deeply about my husband and our relationship. I’ve worked harder on this marriage than on anything else in my life, and it’s lasted longer than anything else I’ve ever committed to. That being said, my BPD still affects our relationship, daily. I have moments where I feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity… confusion, anger, fear, and sadness all at once… and it takes a toll on us both. I’m scared every day that I’m not doing enough or that one mistake will be the end. But I keep trying because this marriage means everything to me.
One of the hardest parts of living with BPD is the darkness that can consume me during emotional lows. These aren’t just bad days; they’re stretches of deep depression and hopelessness that can last weeks, months, and even a couple years with some symptoms. During these times, it’s hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel, and it feels like the world is closing in on me. This emotional pain has, at times, paralyzed me, making it nearly impossible to function in everyday life.

I know it might be hard for you to understand why I haven’t been able to hold down jobs, maintain long-term relationships, or achieve the goals you might have expected for me. But I hope this explanation helps you see that BPD isn’t something I can just “push through” or “get over.” It’s a part of me, and it affects everything I do. But I’m trying my best, and my efforts may not look like everyone else’s, but they are real, and they are difficult. I hope you can understand where I’m coming from and that, despite these challenges, I’m still fighting every day to improve and to live a meaningful life.
-aubs

09-15-24

I spoke this morning on Amazing Grace. Hope it encourages you.

www.youtube.com/live/39pFxuH7Zqg

I’ve been on a path towards self destruction for the past two weeks. I’m not at rock bottom… yet. Nor do I want to be. I’ve been on weed for two weeks (medical reasons but also depression), I lost three animals, I got into a relationship then got out of it, I chose to let two friends go, I went out for a night on the town and I realize that I just want to be alone now. I’m tired of people. Im tired of people. I’m tired of people. Perhaps me cutting off contact even with people who are good for me, is self destructive in itself. I just wanted to rant. I feel like a boulder that’s on fire and can’t stop rolling and can’t put itself out.

I have insomnia for the last 4years ima 24 years old and I cannot do anything because of that problem I have no energy and I am full of negative thoughts I cannot study or do normal friendships and relationships and the worst thing is I feel so lonely is here someone with the same problem?#Insomnia #Loneliness #ErectileDysfunction

I’m thrilled to share with you an incredible opportunity to introduce your group to Dr. Nicholas Jenner, a highly experienced therapist and coach with over 20 years of expertise in helping individuals—especially women—overcome the challenges of codependency. His newly launched program "Self Leadership for Codependents" is designed to guide women towards breaking free from the constraints of codependent relationships, fostering emotional independence, and embracing a life of personal autonomy and so bringing harmony to the relationships around them.

In addition, Dr. Jenner would be delighted to offer a live presentation or Q&A session for any groups interested in learning more about his work and the program. This interactive session would provide a unique opportunity for participants to engage directly with Dr. Jenner, ask questions, and gain deeper insights into overcoming codependency and fostering personal autonomy. His open and approachable style makes these sessions especially beneficial, as they encourage meaningful dialogue and personal reflection. Dr. Jenner is eager to share his knowledge and support those on their journey to healthier relationships and self-leadership. 

Dr. Jenner brings a unique and compassionate approach to his work, blending proven therapeutic methods and practical, actionable advice. 

Dr Jenner says:

`Codependency is the undiagnosed disorder of our modern age. Often misunderstood, often misdiagnosed, often unrecognised, it is said to affect vast amounts of people across the globe. It does not discrimate between gender, race, age or culture and is indeed generational as well. That said, there is strong evidence that women are more likely to be affected. This is borne out in my experience working daily with codependents`

His methods offer a clear and supportive pathway to personal growth and healthier relationships, making his program particularly valuable for women’s groups like yours that are dedicated to addressing and overcoming codependency—a pervasive condition where the needs of others are often prioritized at the expense of one’s well-being.

Here’s why Dr. Nicholas Jenner would be a fantastic addition to your group’s programming:

Expertise Rooted in Experience: With two decades of dedicated practice, Dr. Jenner deeply understands the specific challenges women face in codependent relationships. He offers tailored strategies to build emotional resilience and reclaim self-worth.

Practical Tools for Real Change: Dr. Jenner’s advice isn’t just theoretical—it’s designed to be applied in daily life. The program provides accessible tools and strategies that will make a tangible difference in the lives of women striving for personal autonomy.

A Journey That Resonates: Dr. Jenner’s own experience with overcoming codependency adds a powerful, relatable dimension to his work. His story is not only inspiring but also serves as a beacon of hope and motivation for those seeking to make meaningful changes in their lives.

Here are a few discussion topics Dr. Jenner could explore with your group:

Understanding Codependency in Women: Delve into how codependency uniquely affects women, its impact on self-worth, its implications for relationships, and why codependents are attracted to certain “types”.Breaking Free from Codependency: Learn practical steps to overcome codependent behavior, assert personal needs, achieve true autonomy, and enjoy genuine relationships.Proven Therapeutic Methods: Discover how Internal Family Systems therapy combined with inner child work and behavioral therapy, in a three-stage process, can address the root causes of codependency, offering a transformative path to self-healing.Self-Leadership for Codependents: Gain insights from Dr. Jenner’s new podcast series, featuring self-help exercises, journaling prompts, and meditations designed to aid women on their journey to personal growth.

Dr. Jenner’s profound expertise, coupled with his genuine dedication to supporting women on their healing journey, makes him an engaging and impactful speaker. His ability to connect with audiences through empathy and expert guidance has made him a sought-after guest on various platforms.

I would love to discuss the possibility of featuring Dr. Jenner in your group’s upcoming programs. If this opportunity piques your interest, please let me know a convenient time for us to chat further. I’m happy to provide additional information or arrange an introduction.

Thank you for considering this exciting opportunity. I look forward to the possibility of working together to bring valuable support to the women in your community.