Relationships

Please someone help me. I feel too lost in myself and my relationship. I feel like I’m being berried. I do too much to not receive enough. Games are more important than me and there are always excuses. I’m so over it. I do over everything. I need support. I’ll go in detail if someone even reaches out.

Hi, my name is writing_my_eulogy. I'm here because I want to swallow the pills but I'm a gutless loser and I can't do it for some reason. I am miserable because I have an estranged daughter who will not speak to me. The other one moved out because I wouldn't let him borrow my car after he totaled his car, he only contacts me when he wants money. I am sick of living with this pain and rejection. My therapist told me I am not a loving mother because of my feelings about these things and that I am the likely cause of the problems in my relationships. I fucking hate therapists.

#MightyTogether #Depression #Grief #Anxiety

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Fell asleep to early last night so of course woke up to early. I don’t know about the rest of the world but this heat is killing us! If you don’t get your outside chores finished by 11am, you won’t finish that day. You surrender to the inside. Even Buddy won’t go out. It’s been a long month for Doctors appointments for me. It seems like it’s a job. Eye doctor, dermatologist, and of course the infamous upper and lower GI series. It’s hell getting older lol. So looking forward to fall ! Jessy, I read your post this morning, the only way to be controlled is by allowing it. If this has been a ongoing thing, it might be time to move forward if he isn’t willing to change or seek counseling with you. Lastly, I don’t want anyone thinking my post yesterday was meant to sound mean. I know there is no “magic” button to push and a problem will disappear. Yes, it takes time. Having a Bi-Polar older sister who’s my favorite sister. And my mother who was a isolated,chronically depressed mean woman who died last year I understand. I do have a younger brother and sister who I cut ties with, I’m just your typical dysfunctional family as well lol. I have 2 sons. One I don’t have any kind of relationship with as he threw his 16 year old daughter out of the house 2 years ago and offers her no help whatsoever. My wife and I got her through high school and she’s now a freshman in college. Yes it’s trying at times but we get through it. I have no respect for anyone that deserts their kids. I’m old fashioned in that way. I wish everyone a peaceful, relaxing day and think positive thoughts !…..David

I do believe that it all WORKS OUT, as long as you put the WORK IN. for a while, I just believed that things will eventually work out the way that they were meant to if you wait it out. But I was missing the component where i have to put in the effort. I am now realizing that, no, life is not easy and good things dont often fall in front of you. You have to work toward good things, and in a sense, earn them. A great job, healthy relationship, a goal you are trying to reach... they dont just happen out of nowhere. You have to recognize what you want and actively take steps to get there. The same rings true for anxiety and depression. You have to work your own way out of it, which may look different for everyone, but the key is that the effort needs to come from within. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and introspective. Challenge your anxiety and push your limits. Even small steps count... go for a short walk. Think about something you are grateful for. Small steps add up to big steps, and you will eventually find that things do work out in the end, and everything seems to fall into place. I really do believe that we can overcome so much if we dont give up, and while "putting the work in" is going to look different for everyone and different for every situation, I think that the effort put forth by oneself is something that everyone can take accountability for. #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome #Depression

Pauley is burnt out from everything. I feel awful about it but I keep reminding myself this is what she signed up for when she decided to be my caregiver. On my bad days I need a steady supply of coffee and juice. I've been asking her for juice and she says yeah and then 2 hours later I finally go make it myself cuz clearly she can't handle it. I feel like I'm just asking for too much. she gave me a laundry list of her tasks and honestly most of it was stuff you already do for your partner in a relationship. And then she said I don't do enough in the relationship. I'm the only one trying to find events for us to have enrichment. I've got 2 apps for events that I search for weekend stuff. It's difficult for me to stand in the kitchen for more than 10 minutes.
The way my health problems ramped up so bad this past year is shocking. I was afraid she would think it was a lie to get out of chores. But the X-rays of my hips told the truth. Bone on bone. And the bone spurs got worse. I'm gonna have an MRI in about 12 days. The doctor suspects more damage than what showed up on the X-ray. We also need to see the full extent of my lumbar post surgery. The pain is unbearable. My meds only work about one third of the time. I spend a good amount of time crying in bed so Pauley doesn't see it. She knows it got bad. She knows I'm struggling to manage my bad days. But she has no concept of chronic pain.
It's gotten bad enough that I require mobility aid. I've got my brand new rollater and I love it. I also have a bench in the shower. After 4 minutes of standing in place, my lumbar gives out and either I sit down or I fall down.
I'm exhausted and feel drained. Pauley is going to the office for work in 10 minutes. We had a little argument tonight and I need space and time to process it.
She just left, transportation just got here. It's gonna be a lonely night.

TW: selfharm and suicidal ideation

As I am preparing for my 3rd endometriosis surgery I feel stuck in so many places in my life. I don’t do therapy anymore cause I have no money to pay for it. I’m done with the medication. No more antidepressants for me. None of them help me. My Endometriosis is taking over every part of my life. My relationship is going really bad. I can’t work, the daily pain is sooo bad I can’t do anything. I’m thinking about cutting or ending it all because the pain, my mental health, my relationship and I feel like I’m rotting in bed and have no future.. I take so much supplements which kinda help but I wouldn’t be here without oxycodone unfortunately and I’m so tired It’s hard to get the right pain treatment after being called a medicine shopper and addict. Like I would ever take oxycodone for fun and have this much pain for fun or lie about it. The amount of gaslighting I’ve been through either medically or in relationships is too much too still be treated this way. They took my painkillers away and replaced them with paracetamol :/ I wanted to kill myself of the pain and the doctor said maybe you need to check yourself in the mental health ward. No b*tch I need to get meds for the pain. I tried everything. Now I’m afraid to take them or to ask something about my dose. Or even a new prescription. My ovary and uterus are fused together with my sigmoid/rectum and had cysts on them. Anyone else would’ve gone to the ER by now. #Endometriosis #CPTSD #medicalgaslighting #complextrauma #Selfharm #SuicidalIdeation #ChronicPain