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39 years #Depression #Anxiety #FamilyAndFriends #PTSD #Relationships #MentalHealth

Today is our 39th wedding anniversary. Can’t believe how quickly it has gone. We had no idea of what married life would entail. Certainly admissions to Mental Health facilities were not on our radar.

We also would never have imagined we would be fostering hundreds of children in our home and then pioneering a charity that houses vulnerable people.

So much laughter, many tears, yet never boring. My Wife is the reason I am still alive today. I am grateful.

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Difficult moments and events in an otherwise positive, healthy relationship can sometimes feel like a bigger negative than they actually are. For me, the actual bad things and losses in my life have made the good that’s left seem more fragile, more vulnerable. So I guess that can make the difficult moments or parts of a good relationship feel more risky, more scary, than they used to feel. Does anyone else experience this?


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When was the last time you felt proud of yourself?

Merriam-Webster defines “pride” as “confidence and satisfaction in oneself, or pleasure that comes from some relationship, association, or achievement.”

But if you’re anything like Mighty staffer @sav_bach, the second you achieve something, you’re already moving on, focused on your next goal. It can be difficult to celebrate your successes and accomplishments (especially if you don’t feel worthy of them), so we want to give you space to feel proud of yourself today.

Humble brags in 3… 2… 1…

💙 P.S. As always on The Mighty, we view success a little differently than the outside world. Brush your teeth today? Success! Followed up with a doctor? Way to go! Not all wins are traditional ones, but they are nevertheless important.

#CheerMeOn #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #RareDisease #Disability #Parenting #Autism #Cancer #Caregiving #MightyMinute

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Am I wrong to be mad because I have been lied to?

My birthday came and went and not a member of my immediate family wished me a happy birthday. And its not the first time. I confronted my dad and told him how much it hurts. I got so worked up that I started crying to him about the many times where I felt so destroyed by the vicious cycle of neglect from the family. The effect over the years on my self esteem and self worth has been extremely negative. I have committed myself to a journey of self healing and learning to forgive myself for my shortcomings. I have learned a lot from therapy and it’s helped me feel courageous and thats why I think I let my dad know how I felt. I feel awful for having to set boundaries and tell him at such a later time in our lives especially because its my dad. I will apologize but I know that our relationship will never be the same. I don’t know how I should feel or what to do next. I have been praying and doing my best to stay positive. I am angry because I feel disappointed that I allowed someone to have such a big influence over my life and to realize that you have been lied to about most of your life; its so disappointing. I don’t have a relationship with any family members, due to similar and worse issues. I thought at least my dad respected me. To think I have been wrong and my presence has just been tolerated is heartbreaking. This is the first time where I have confirmation in my head that I have been prolonging the inevitable about the truth about how messed up my family really is. The guilt to want to make everything better but I know I need to take of myself; is eating me up inside. #ADHD #PTSD #MentalHealth #Trauma #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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Dear 2023...

Let’s write farewell letters to 2023 this week. In your letters you can add things you’ve learned, things you want to let go of and move on from, important events that happened, how you want to move forward, or how your health has impacted you. Write whatever feels good!

Here’s my letter:

Dear 2023,

A lot has happened this year. I’ve felt so much grief, sadness, and confusion. I’ve experienced new symptoms and felt the weight of the world on my shoulders — some days it was even too heavy to carry by myself. I’ve had moments where I gave my best and didn’t feel like it was enough, or that I wasn’t worthy of the companionship, friendships, relationships, or the love I was craving. I’ve been really tired.

2023, I’ve extended myself and my love to so many people that I saw were suffering around the world. I still hold them deep in my heart.

I’ve had conversations and listened to stories that’s opened my perspective and learned new things from others.

Moving forward, 2023, I want to be more confident in myself, in my voice, my talents, and my skills. I don’t want to hide when I feel afraid because in the past that made me feel safe. I want to continue to advocate and show others that it’s OK not to be OK and there are people who care about them… like me! I want to be kinder to myself because I deserve kindness, and be gentler with myself because I deserve gentleness. I want to continue to listen to the stories of others and grow in awareness of what they experience. (If you’re reading this, your voice matters!)

I also want to thank the people who have helped me get through this year like my therapist, my mom, sister, NAMI-NYC fam, favorite Mighty boss lady @xokat fellow kind soul and community teammate @skyeg plus all of you reading this right now. Any kind word or positive energy sent was received and greatly appreciated.

Farewell 2023.

It’s been a roller coaster,
Nina aka SparklyWarTanks

#MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #Fibromyalgia #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #Disability #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #CheerMeOn #ThePencilCase

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The power of stepping away.

For the better part of three years (most likely more) I’ve been living in fight and/or flight mode. Now because of that constant adrenaline I’ve slouched into fawn.

I’m tired.

It’s not that I feel hopeless or angry but I am willing to step away from what isn’t working and that is tremendous progress for me. I haven’t fostered the healthiest of relationships for the majority of my life and when things weren’t working I doubled down to prove myself instead of acknowledging it just wasn’t a good fit. Whether it be relationships, friendships, family or careers, if I’m not feeling energized or safe it’s a no from me.

As I approach forty, I just don’t have the energy to be inauthentic and productive at the same time anymore.

There are a lot of people and experiences I had to walk away from and even though it saddens me, it’s what best for me - and them. Walking away from what does t serve your greatest good isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength. Give yourself permission to do what’s best for you. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Addiction

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I'm very ashamed about this part of my life and the stigma is horrible #Depression #Anxiety

This is something that I'm very ashamed of and I think nobody knows so I have no one else to talk to, not even my family knows, but I'm almost 35(F) and a virgin. A loving intimate relationship is something that I've been longing for but just never happened. This is making me extremely depressed and is giving me panic attacks. Is there anyone else who went through this and managed to turn their life around?

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Why Do I Apologize So Much?

The other day, my husband was putting together a magnifying lamp that I had bought to help me repair some jewelry. I was trying to adjust the lamp to a height where it would be usable and comfortable. The lamp was a cheap piece of shit and it broke.

Instantly, I apologized. The clamp broke. I apologized again. It turned out that the pin holding the clamp together broke. I apologized again. My husband determined that it was not fixable as it was. Guess what I did? That’s right — said, “I’m sorry.” I said I was sorry for ordering the cheap thing. I said I was sorry for wasting money. I was sorry for wasting my husband’s time. I was sorry for everything.

The week before, I wanted to go to an art house in a nearby town to see the documentary about Joan Baez. The whole way there, I was nervous — about the route we were taking, whether we would find parking near enough to the theater, whether we should eat dinner before or after the movie. And especially whether Dan would like the film. On the way home, I kept asking him, “Was that okay? Did you like it? Is it okay that I chose the movie? Is it okay that I chose that movie?”

On the way home, he reassured me. He liked the movie. He learned things he hadn’t known about Joan Baez. We were lucky to find the parking place so near the theater. It was a nice evening for a drive.

Then he said, “Where’s all this coming from?”

“I chose the movie and the time and bought the tickets and decided which theater to see it at. If anything went wrong, it was all my fault.”

“Ah. Old tapes.”

In these recent cases, things went right. Dan figured out a way to fix the magnifying lamp by cannibalizing another lamp. We got to the movie on time and got good seats. We found a handicapped parking spot open right across from the theater. The movie was great. I felt better after we got home.

Dan was right, though. The excessive apologies started in my past — not with Dan — further back in time than that. If something was my choice, and it didn’t turn out great, it was wrecked. I realize this is all-or-nothing thinking, which is counterproductive.

Even before the old tapes, though, I had a habit of feeling sorry for everything and saying so. I apologized for everything. And I punished myself. If I said something “wrong” or even a tiny bit off-color, I tapped my cheek with an open hand, symbolically slapping myself for doing something bad. (I think it’s important to note that my parents never slapped me as a child, so I don’t know where that came from.)

And I apologized endlessly. For everything. My friends noticed. They asked why I did it. They let me know that it was annoying. I tried consciously to stop. And after a while, after having friends who stuck with me, after practice, I did stop. For a while.

Then I got in a relationship with a gaslighter and again felt guilty for everything. He blamed me for things I did and things I didn’t do. Once, he even claimed that when I did something wrong in front of company, I had offended his honor. And of course, if I selected anything — where we went, what we ate, what music we listened to, I was at fault. I was at fault for liking mayo on my sandwiches and for not offering him a bite of my sandwich. I was seriously wrong not to wait for him even though he was past the time for a meet-up with friends. Wrong to hook up with a friend while he was hooking up with one of mine in the next room. Eventually, I shut down, afraid to do anything.

Years later, I got past the apologizing, for the most part. The past two weeks, I’ve been backsliding. I think it may be because money has been extra tight, which makes me extremely nervous, and I’ve had to tell Dan he can’t make some purchases now. That feels treacherous, even though he doesn’t complain or blame or shame me. But it puts me back into the mindset of blaming myself before someone else can. It’s not comfortable for either of us. It’s all I can do not to apologize for feeling this way, for my disorder having this effect.

I’m hoping that writing about it will help me work out how I feel. And maybe make the apologies back off. At least for a while.

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