Relationships

When you hear about a women threatening suicide with a break up you think he left her and she threatened it to scare him from leaving her.

That wasn't the case in my situation, you see, I packed my things up, I called my dad to pick it up, I said I was leaving but I also then threatened suicide.

Confused yet? Yup so was I.

Just short of 13 years and he was not only letting me leave, he was ready to help pack the car. Not only did he not give any sort of care that our whole lives were shattering, but my daughter, his step daughter was choosing to stay.

Nothing felt right, nothing felt like I wanted or could live it anymore. The look in his eyes as he was almost relieved to have me finally gone, and he gets the only thing he loved in the relationship as the cherry on top, my daughter.

I'm not proud of the moment but I grabbed a coat hanger and headed to the backyard, I put it around my neck and twisted. To me this was away from most prying eyes of neighbors and far from my daughter inside the house.

Since he followed me out there he coaxed me to stop and a lot is a blur in the moment, but he went and told my daughter (whom I was trying to shield in my own way from the moment by doing it outside) that I had tried to kill myself and to call my mom and if she didn't answer then to call the police.

I was unaware of this. Myself and him were sitting on the porch talking and he brought me my weed to smoke (looking back I think this was to further discredit me when the police arrived)

The police pulled up and my heart sank, the police officer was condecending and made me feel worse about everything. Apparently his suggestion to him was to change the locks. 13 years and my daughter in those walls and that's what it came down to, locks changed behind my back.

It all stemmed from a really bad year after leaving a job that meant alot and a lawsuit that followed. Depression and anxiety that destroyed me and not ever hearing the words I love you directed at me after 13 years and all we had been through, and I longed for that, I NEEDED to hear those words to feel safe, I craved it deep in my soul and the anniversary of my grandmothers death that I never fully got over him not being at the funeral for. The whirlwind turned me into a mess, that I still am cleaning up.

It was everything all at once and needing to communicate and not being able to be heard when I tried.

Being kept at a distance because I would never be what he wanted me to be.

Years later I'm still not myself, my relationship with my daughter is very strained, and I am so very lonely.#Anxiety #Depression #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria #lost #Drowning #lonely 🩷DN

I'm hoping that the article's, comments and other post will be able to help me better understand more about BPD, how it effects one's life and can help me find out how to be able to find a way to better handle it
So that I can improve myself,my life and my relationships. I'm so lost and confused about everything. I got diagnosed at the age of 36 With BPD and no doctor ever explain
anything about it,how to handle or deal with it. I was told nothing. I'm 45 yrs old almost 46 and my life is still all over the place, my relationships are up, down and bumpy, I'm not sure who I am. I'm lost, confused and I don't even know where to start.
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder @

People usually say… “So much can change in a year” OK. What about in months.

My grandmother’s cancer journey has changed my relationship with time. Might as well change my relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

Let’s start with what Cancer is to me. Cancer is “getting everything in order - so… that…x,y,z.” Actually, it’s more like you’re reading the alphabet from finish to start. Right? So you can go backwards and maybe sound out letters you missed because you were going too fast, you don’t. That’s the thing… how do you go from September 21st. Walking three miles in forty-five minutes to the next day… “Cancer doesn’t happen to me. It’s not in our DNA. It happens to others, other families. “ to Holy Shit. Holy - something. We need some spiritual interference for this. To “She is so strong. So are you.”

They measure a life and give you a Hail Mary. You start saying Hail Marys.

I’ve had rules… rules if my grandmother ever lost her ability to - and the only thing I can remember from the fuzziness that my brain has become is.. Chapstick. She wants chapstick. It’s important. Chapstick becomes the only thing I can do.

I’ve learned the true meaning of capacity. How you show up, fully will look different every day. I really like the quote that says “On the days you have forty-percent and you gave forty-percent - you gave one-hundred percent.” Someone’s percent will look different than mine, that’s OK. Cancer is showing up as you can. As your body lets you. As your heart wants to.

Cancer is you can do chemo - Sorry, you can’t. Cancer goes from doctor appointments to hospital stays. Cancer is going home, and staying there. Cancer is. It’s watching your loved ones do everything for someone who - was healthy, looked good, looked young. (Wait. . You’re 68?!) It’s watching someone wake up in the middle of the night to give her medication, adjust the pillow, adjust the bed. Walk her to the bathroom, stop her from walking because she thinks she’s walking to an appointment. It’s… going along with what she says. Watching my grandmother fold a blanket over, over and over. In two month’s time. Time is a gift but also a thief. Two months time. I’ve seen how hand holding is the only thing you can hold on to. I’ve seen how couches become beds. You start inflating beds and wish you could inflate birthday balloons one more time. I’ve seen how, you’re suppose to just welcome everyone. Welcome, everyone… she’s asleep.

OK now. What cancer really looks like: Holding grudges becomes holding her hand. Watching my aunt change colonoscopy bags. Weren’t those bags… Nordstrom bags in two months time? Draining bags. They told her to drain her bank accounts in two months time. It’s watching my mom, watching her convince her mom that she’s her daughter. My mom has always been the most resilient person I know. I watch her open up her house to people who, she’s known her whole life, yet, they don’t know “Where she’s been this whole time.” Here. I watch her giving her mom medication, wasn’t I just watching her do a puzzle? A thousand pieces puzzle. Now, I’ll be helping her, she will be helping me, pick up the pieces of our lives for the rest of our lives, we’ll piece together, yet it won’t look right. What do you do when a math problem answer doesn’t seem right, you start over: We won’t be able to start over, we will have to start from where we are. They say start from where you are with what you have. We have each other and that’s where we are but remember when I had my center, and Alicia did too? Me, I’m her center. Does this mean I’ll be looking for my footing for the rest of my life? Probably. I’ll definitely be looking for her (my grandmother) , in water, surrounded by seals, smelling like dirty salt water, with the sun hitting my face.The only thing I’ll have is the smell of seal infested salt waters, when wasn’t I just smelling *daisy sour cream, devils food donuts and hamburgers for breakfast? It’s the only place. I already know that. This must be the place. It is. I said I’d be here. Hypothetically, Now, in the future, literally. She (my grandmother) won’t be.

Now more than ever before, I know why they say “Grief is just Love with nowhere to go.” Wait, she’s still here! Grief doesn’t start until the end, or does it? Grief exists because Love existed. Opposites? No, the same thing. Side by side, just like everyone is at my grandmother’s side. Now, not then. If she’s strong now? What was she then? Let me remind you of what you said.

Cancer is. We have no choice, “Putting a fire under it.” Never thought that would become - “Let me put this pillow under you, are you more comfortable like this? Are you uncomfortable, no she’s in pain. It’s, strangers to, using nicknames we’ve known our entire lives. It’s Oh no, I am going to cry. Can’t cry. Too late, your cousin thought of you and bought you vegan cheese.

A gift, A theif.
Gratitude for this entire experience is a prayer.

Cancer is, saying everything but not saying anything. Literally.

Like Alicia said. This is the easy part, so what’s the hard part? Don’t tell me.

But I’ll tell you what my heaven looks like, she said: it’s pictures of you.

#Cancer #PancreaticCancer #Grief

Benefits Of Seeing A Mental Health Professional?
Seeing a mental health professional offers many benefits for people such as improved self-awareness, better coping skills, and enhanced relationships. Not only that, but these professionals can also help people manage stress, process trauma, treat mental health conditions, and develop strategies for dealing with negative emotions and behaviors. Last but not least, therapy can even help people increase their resilience and foster a more positive outlook on life.

The Lifelong Echo of Healing: On the Non-Linear Grief of Abuse Recovery

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty." — Maya Angelou

"Healing isn’t linear," we’re often told, usually in the context of conventional grief—the kind with a clear beginning, middle, and eventual end. But the grief that follows abuse is different. It’s not about losing a person; it’s about losing yourself. It’s multifaceted, repetitive, and layered, a constant echo tied inextricably to your identity, not finality.

Surviving abuse means navigating multiple losses simultaneously. You’re not just grieving a relationship; you’re mourning the collapse of your worldview, the death of the person you were before you knew the darkness, and the shattering of the future you thought you were building.

"Trauma is not just an event that took place in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on the mind, body, and brain." — Bessel van der Kolk

This is where cognitive dissonance takes hold—a disorienting fog where you struggle to untangle genuine love from calculated manipulation, attempting to rebuild your fundamental beliefs about safety, relationships, and self-worth.

"Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence." — Peter Levine

It’s a cycle of rebuilding, failing, and repeating old patterns. The painful recognition of finding yourself in yet another familiar dynamic brings shame, but it is not a personal failure. It’s your nervous system, still patterned for survival rather than safety, picking the familiar pain until you consciously outgrow it.

The Stacking Stones of Loss

The challenge intensifies because the world doesn't pause for your recovery. Other losses—deaths, breakups, setbacks—stack atop existing wounds, each new grief pulling the unresolved layers of old trauma to the surface. Every setback reactivates memories that never fully settled.

Yet, within this difficult cycle lies a strange beauty: every resurfacing wound is a new chance. Another chance to see deeper, understand what was previously incomprehensible, and, crucially, to respond rather than collapse. This is how you begin to rewire the places that once trapped you.

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced." — James Baldwin

Each time, the fall isn't as far. The stay isn't as long. You rise quicker, see the pattern clearer.

This is the real meaning of "healing isn't linear." Not a neat spiral or an infographic, but a long, messy, repeating cycle until your identity and soul evolve into something steadier. Maybe the endpoint isn't a final, self-actualized state, but the sovereign self: the version of you who can hold the grief without losing herself within it.

The journey doesn’t end. It just changes shape, becoming easier to carry. And you become a person who no longer fears the next round, because you have finally committed to not abandoning yourself when it comes. Keep building that beautiful life.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." — Joseph Campbell

Action Step: Pattern Recognition With Compassion

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." — Carl Jung

Healing demands awareness, not shame. When you notice you’ve repeated a relationship pattern or found yourself in the same emotional cycle, approach it with curiosity rather than criticism.

Ask yourself these questions, using the moment as feedback:

Did I see it sooner this time?

Did I leave sooner?

Did it destroy me as much—or did I recover faster?

Did I understand the pattern more clearly?

What did this round teach me about myself, my needs, and my wounds?

What part of me grew because of this experience?

What still needs strengthening, softening, or healing in me?

This is not an exercise in shame. It’s an exercise in awareness, evolution, and nervous system tracking.

"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." — Carl Jung

Every repeated pattern is not failure—it’s feedback. And each time it happens, you’re given another opportunity to grow deeper roots, sharpen your discernment, and expand your self-trust. If you need professional support in navigating these patterns, confidential and trained trauma specialists are available via the National Domestic Violence Hotline or the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline.

What Is CPTSD

CPTSD, or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a condition that can result from prolonged and repeated childhood trauma. It is distinct from PTSD due to its pervasive and complex symptoms. Not only that, but people with CPTSD may experience difficulties with emotional regulation, self-perception, and relationships, in addition to the core symptoms of PTSD. Last but not least, the most common treatments for CPTSD include different types of psychotherapy, medications, exercising, settling realistic goals, being kind and patient to oneself, and attending support groups.