Mania

The emotional and mental exhaustion is under looked.
I ran out of meds,forgot to reschedule my appointment, no vehicle, no reliable source for a ride to an from,very little support, the say it takes a village, my village is broken,dysfunctioned ...
Those who I've turned to when things get hard just say things like ,just get a job ,just get out on your own just do this or that, I've had a job , I've tried this and that and it slowly made me feel worse , triggered manic disorder ,disassociation,mental and emotional exhaustion. It makes me feel like a failure and worthless to the point of physically being so tired and isolating myself from everyone and everything... I am not,nor have I ever been one to want things handed to me ,I am independent even more so after being traumatized by having things other done for me thrown in my face, I put everyone first, an try to make them happy in return only learning they just want more and when I'm mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, they don't notice or do but still ask me to do something else,I can sleep all day an still be tired ,so tired to the point I just want it all to end , because I'm tired of feeling tired all the while if I say no or set boundaries I get the, " after everything I've done for you" and the "don't ask me for anything anymore"... just 3am thoughts an struggles... #BipolarDepression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #Anxiety #PTSD #ADHD

I suffer from several mental illnesses. It’s sad to say that my mental illness comes from environmental and genetic. I feel so alone in this great big world. I hate the stigma that comes with mental illness. Especially Bipolar. I have had far too many people associate Bipolar with being a serial killer. Very hurtful. I go through many episodes of deep deep depression. Suicidal thought. I’ve made a plan. But have made a promise to my children I would never do that to them. Which I will keep. I have psychotic features which when manic I hear and see things that are not there. I guess to some this all up I’m not done in a suicidal way but the suffering day to day with the panic from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep.
If God were sitting infront of me, I would tell him I’m done!

Hello! I am in the process of a official diagnosis of BP II. After a long stent of severe depression. My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2019, and passed away in 2022. I had lots of depression throughout his cancer journey, and lots of anger as well. After he passed, things really changed. My depression was so debilitating and the RAGE. In 2 years I managed to run everybody out of my life but my mom, dad and 1 of 3 sons, work became entirely unmanageable. After many times of just laying in bed and calling my son and asking him to take me to the hospital because I don't want to live feeling like this, and eventually I put into plan to end my life. I finally opened up to a friend of mine that is a RN. I opened my heart and my shame to her. She told me I needed to get help, and down the rabbit hole I went.
I initially was put on Mirtazapine and OMFG, I felt like I was on meth, no sleep for about 7 days, running through the house thinking I was cleaning but instead it looked like a tornado touched down inside, I could not consetrate on any one thing without a flood of ideas just pouring into my head,the impulses, paranoia and then walking the tight rope of anger and rage.
I called my Dr. And they took me off of mirtazapine. So I am currently in the process of changing Dr.s, because that has been a whole other S**t show.
Now I am not on any meds, and have a multitude of both depression and mania. Hoping to get the ball rolling soon, because the mirtazapine really did help with my deep emptiness.
#BipolarDisorder

I’ve started a work-out & fitness routine and it’s helping:) Have dropped a few lbs. Been reading about creatine supplements. Anyone tried these? I’m reading they can cause some mania. I have bipolar type 1 and experience some intense mania alot of weeks; don’t need more, for sure. Just curious what your experience has been. (I’ll be talking with my psychiatrist about this in a few weeks). Thanks!

Here is a piece I wrote about my experience

Euphoric Ayah

Euphoria it is a funny word, the meaning is endless, there is no limits to the joys it shows and displays and emits. A feeling any normal person would love to experience but not I, I run from it. Well I didn’t before but now I would if you gave me just a hint of it, I would run a mile.

You ask me why? Why would one run from the feeling of being so extremely happy? No, the question is why would one not run from the feeling of being extremely high? everything is heightened, my happiness, my interest, my passion, my speech. Speech is such a powerful tool yet if misused can become a dangerous tool to all of destruction and will bite you in the back of your neck, people normally do drugs these days to experience euphoria but I took the incorrect medication that led me to be in a state of euphoria for not hours, not days, but months and I am still always questioning whether I am still there.

The funny thing about euphoria is that you don’t know you are experiencing it, it differs from the other emotions and feelings, unlike depression where you are aware of yourself being depressed and being isolated in the dark pit of your own doomed self.That too I have previously experience to do the self pity the self-doubt self-loathing, the self consciousness, everything bad to do with oneself. Depression grips onto you and hold on so tightly bad with it reverses the chemicals in your brain to create imbalance that only the antidepressants can somehow reverse however in my case, it reversed and also did the extra damage of giving birth to the euphoric version of myself and inducing my mania.

I got off Latuda and It was such a bad decision.

The reason why I got off Latuda was because I DID NOT like how they made me feel. They made me feel so sleepy, so zombie like, so exhausted. Even when awake too. I can’t stand that feeling. So I got off them… Not smart, I know. But anyways, I got manic. I started spiraling and then out of nowhere, my responsibilities got thrown out the window. Life was a joke, everything was a joke. I couldn’t take my life seriously. Missing work, missing school, missing out on things that are important to me. I just didn’t care anymore. Scary, I know.

Now im trying to take my meds again, but I HATE them so much. I will see my psychiatrist this month, so lets pray he switches meds for me!! I can’t stand being manic but I also can’t stand being painfully exhausted all the time. ughhhhhhhhhhhh. #Bipolar1 #BipolarDisorder