suffering

So, a few weeks ago on a Saturday, I opened an email from the Department of Corrections State of Indiana for the past 20 years like I always do however to my surprise this email was different and was about to turn my world upside-down once again!

Twenty years ago, this October 21, 2004, my brother Jesse was murdered by his estranged wife (the monster). The monster shot him to death in his new apartment 💔 😢. The state of Indiana Prosecutor's office made a plea deal with my family knowledge. The plea was for 50 years in prison, only to serve 45 years. The monster had to serve half of 45 years and be on parole for five years. In Indiana, murders only have to serve half of the sentence time despite murdering productive citizens.

The email I received was informing that the monster's release date has drastically changed and is now being released November 5, 2024. This immediately caused me to spiral emotionally and mentally I could barely breathe. I immediately informed our Mom about the drastic change to the monster's release date. I immediately searched for the contact information for the state of Indiana Prosecutor's office and called to schedule a phone conference with a prosecutor.

I had my phone conference with a new prosecutor. Unfortunately, it wasn't the one who dealt with my brother's murder case. Apparently, everyone who worked during that time has retired, so I will never have my questions answered. The prosecutor was kind enough to speak with me and our Dad for over an hour. He tried to answer some legal questions we had. However, we are left with more questions than answers.

After that phone conversation, I received another letter from the Department of Corrections stating that the monster is requesting to be placed in a transition program instead of serving the rest of the sentence in prison. Unlike 20 years ago, the Department of Corrections in Indiana has provided my family the opportunity to send in statement letters to the court and the prosecutor's office in hopes of keeping the monster in prison longer.

Now, we are waiting to hear the decision from the courts in Indiana.

I do believe in "rehabilitation" for those in jail and prison. What I don't believe in is "good behavior." Reducing a monster sentence who murdered people should never happen! Except, in those circumstances of self-defense! (These are my personal opinions. Not open for a debate) Yes, I believe in this even if the monster was my family member. There are other ways of dealing with things in life besides murder.

My views on capital punishment changed dramatically after my brother was murdered. Before that day, I believed in.the death penalty and vengeance. However, after I received that phone call, I no longer believe in judicial death penalty for all. I actually spoke the words of forgiveness towards the monster who murdered my brother.

However, unlike what society says, "Time doesn't help with pain, sorrow, heartache 💔, and so on!" I have night terrors every night, I struggle mentally, emotionally, and physically, and the images of my brother's last day plays in my mind like a movie 24/7/365!

I'm struggling and don't know how to deal right now! Help me please 🙏🏽 😢 😭 💔
#Depression #anger #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Pain #Heartache #suffering

I will never understand why God placed me on this earth just to suffer so much. 😭
#suffering #chronictreatmentresistantdepression &anxiety #MentalHealth #Sadness #Anxiety

I have been dealing with this for 3 years now, I cannot imagine living the rest of my life like this. It started with me not being to able to exercise at all or exert myself and any activity or stress causes me chest discomfort, heart pounding, jitterness, unable to regulate my body temperature for hours maybe days. After struggling to fall asleep I get better next day. I am not able to go any long period without eating when this was normal for me in the past. Some days I get episodes of overwhelming fatigue that last less than 24 hrs but are crippling.

I have exhausted all work up and feel like a burden on my doctors and everyone I love. I don’t quite fit the dysautonomia or POTS picture based on my work up. All we know is that my body doesn’t utilize oxygen well and my heart works too hard.

How do you cope with this?

I take my hand to my heart...

To my inner child,

Hello part of me. I hear you. I'm sorry you're feeling sad, I'm sorry you're feeling lost but I'm making a tuna sandwich right now and I understand that you are in pain and that you are suffering but I cannot concentrate on my food. I want to give the space for you to be seen and heard but I think that now isn't the time to discuss this and I can't tell you what you need to hear, the answer to your question....how do I fix your suffering? Maybe there isn't a way, maybe we just hold each other here, in my place in the kitchen, in your place in the past and we can be here and we take a moment to acknowledge that whatever it is your suffering from, that it's okay to feel what your feeling.

And so lets try and enjoy this sandwich together?

All my love, from my manager...

And I sit here in fear of this post today, because my mind is open to be witnessed now, and I am willing to be seen and seen I am.

#PTSD #innerchild #innerworld #foodlove #ChronicPain #suffering

It makes you feel like a burden on your loved ones. Family support groups are not so available in India. So as a result families don't get to know how to deal with the person with BPD, although they are there with all intention to help. But they fail most of the time to understand what the person with BPD is going through and what to tell and not to tell. So it affects the person with BPD. And as diagnosed with BPD I know how difficult it is to control oneself from attempting suicide and self harming. I am self-harming from a very young age(when I was 10 years old). I have attempted suicide before. Two times. I was 20 years old then. I got diagnosed with BPD few days back when I'm 26. I don't know if it's already too late or not. Suicidal thoughts and urges are there. I'm fighting with it all the time. I know I won't get much help from my family. And I also don't have friends who will understand BPD. Most of them left because of my anger or I pushed them away. A typical BPD trait. My only hope is my therapist and maybe myself. It is really hard to exist with BPD and as an add I've Major Depressive Disorder and severe anxiety. Only GOD can help me I guess. I wish anyone suffering from any mental health issue gets treated and gets all the support they need. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #SuicideAttempt #suicidality #treatment #suffering #MentalHealth #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety

If you deal with chronic illness or mental health and are unable to do all that someone without these problems can it doesn’t mean you have no value in fact it means your even more valuable because through the process and journey of these struggles we learn so much about perseverance, compassion and love. We all have one thing in common WE CHOOSE to love each day despite our pain and struggles
and we have a job it’s the most important of all to OVERCOME daily and that is not a job we get paid for but a job we choose to take everyday. So celebrate your profession because it really does make you who you are. The darkest times are when we have to choose to shine.

#POTS #MentalHealth #Anxiety #ChronicIllness #CheerMeOn #overcome #Depression #suffering #Pain #Faith

For those of you who deal with extreme sensitivity to rejection and anxiety as I do, please know that we are in good company.

Not only on earth, but even now in heaven, Jesus has and is experiencing rejection and abandonment.

On earth He experienced it from those who chose to deny His message, not to mention the very people who accepted Him but then encouraged His torture and death. He asked God to forgive the very same people that were at that time torturing and murdering Him. Lastly,His disciples abandoned Him when praying at Gethsemane and again out of fear as He hung on that cross.

Please know that we are not alone in our suffering. Jesus is suffering right along with us.

#Rejection #abandonment #Trauma #suffering #notalone #MightyTogether #TheMighty

I recently joined 'reddit' and posted a comment on a self harm scar. My comment was insensitive and I will not repeat it here. It was the reply that I received which really opened my eyes to my own trauma.

The reply from the "redditor" was "I am sorry you are feeling powerless over your own body". I never thought about it this way. I know one thing for sure. The trauma took something away from me that day. It took my confidence and my care free attitude and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I want that happy go lucky kid back. The other side of the argument is finally growing up and entering the 'real world'. It could be a combination of both although I consider it was mostly my poor decisions catching up with me.

12 long years have passed since I was assaulted and time has done little to heal the pain. I am just as angry and grief stricken as the day the incident occurred. I was not in control of the situation and maybe this is why I feel the way that I do?

Revenge plays on my mind a lot and I catch myself drifting in and out of seeking vengeance. I have medication which temporarily assists in levelling my emotions and focusing on the here and now.

My mind will play tricks on me from time to time; starting me off on a road of revenge only to lead me to grief and misery. I am of the belief that revenge will do little to heal my pain as the damage has well and truly been done.

#power #powerless #MightyTogether #TheMighty #Friends #foes #Love #hate #betrayal #Depression #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Pain #suffering #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Scars #Trauma #Revenge #rut #despair #hopelessness #self #Selfesteem #Confidence #Happiness #Hope #pleasure #Healing #Recovery #Addiction #selfmedicate #Hope #Emotion #CPTSD #Grief #Survivor