Hitting Depression's Rockbottom

There I was laying on my bed, feeling like my body was empty, no feelings, no energy… nothing. Only one thing in my body didn’t feel empty: my head.

Inside my head lived my worst enemy, my nightmare, my killer, my brain. I laid there for hours and couldn’t stand up. My thoughts were slowly killing me.

“Why are you alive? It’s not worth the fight! Nobody loves you anyways, they won’t miss you if you die.”

I listened more and more. I started to plan ways to kill myself. My mind was overpowered by a monster: depression. It had taken control. I wasn’t myself anymore. I realized I hit rockbottom.

Nothing mattered anymore. I stayed there for weeks, trying to pull myself up, trying to be stronger. It was a battle — antidepressants fighting against an empty soul. A soul depression had taken. A soul that used to brighten people’s days, a soul that always had a smile on.

But without noticing it, fighting with this monster made me stronger. The little things made me stronger. As I sat the on the bottom, desperate, lonely and empty, I looked up and saw my friends and family looking for ways to pull me up. I realized it was worth the fight. They were my reason to fight.

And so I fought — I fought really hard. I tried my hardest to get out of bed. When you’ve hit that low and feel like it’s not worth it, we often forget to look around. We forget we have people who love us and are trying to help us, and we often take it for granted. With the help of my friends and family, I now feel strong and am slowly beginning to feel happy again. 

On Tuesday I went back to school after three weeks.

I know it feels like it’s not going to end.

But I promise it does.

If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Depression

Dear Depression: Here Are the Words I'm Slowly Learning How to Say

Dear depression, We go way back. You’ve haunted me for years, hiding in the back empty corners of my mind, waiting to take hold of my heart and paint all the windows black. Dear depression, You are the shadows in my room on a bright and sunny day. Your weariness took my bones and taught them too young [...]

The Problem With Relentless Depression That Medication Can't Relieve

Dysthymia isn’t a word most people hear, even for those with a chronic depression diagnosis. According to the DSM-V, dysthymia (or PDD/persistent depressive disorder) is a mood disorder where you experience a low level depression that lasts for at least two years. If you’re like me, depression is normal. When I reached high school and started to make [...]
Conceptual Underwater Fashion

When People Ask Me What Depression Feels Like

Dealing with depression wasn’t exactly what I had in mind when I pictured my teenage years. To me, the so called “best years of your life” in high school were the absolute worst. Not only was I stressed to the max because of schoolwork, but my depression and anxiety added so much to it. I [...]
woman listening to music

To the Person With Depression Who Wants to Give Up

I know how you feel. That pit in your stomach that leaves you nauseated and you can’t seem to get rid of it no matter what you try. The burning in your eyes and clenching of your fists as you hold back the tears. The wanting to go into hibernation so you can escape from everything and anything. The [...]