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Hitting Depression's Rockbottom

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There I was laying on my bed, feeling like my body was empty, no feelings, no energy… nothing. Only one thing in my body didn’t feel empty: my head.

Inside my head lived my worst enemy, my nightmare, my killer, my brain. I laid there for hours and couldn’t stand up. My thoughts were slowly killing me.

“Why are you alive? It’s not worth the fight! Nobody loves you anyways, they won’t miss you if you die.”

I listened more and more. I started to plan ways to kill myself. My mind was overpowered by a monster: depression. It had taken control. I wasn’t myself anymore. I realized I hit rockbottom.

Nothing mattered anymore. I stayed there for weeks, trying to pull myself up, trying to be stronger. It was a battle — antidepressants fighting against an empty soul. A soul depression had taken. A soul that used to brighten people’s days, a soul that always had a smile on.

But without noticing it, fighting with this monster made me stronger. The little things made me stronger. As I sat the on the bottom, desperate, lonely and empty, I looked up and saw my friends and family looking for ways to pull me up. I realized it was worth the fight. They were my reason to fight.

And so I fought — I fought really hard. I tried my hardest to get out of bed. When you’ve hit that low and feel like it’s not worth it, we often forget to look around. We forget we have people who love us and are trying to help us, and we often take it for granted. With the help of my friends and family, I now feel strong and am slowly beginning to feel happy again. 

On Tuesday I went back to school after three weeks.

I know it feels like it’s not going to end.

But I promise it does.

If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Originally published: May 20, 2016
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