The X Ambassadors Song That Reflects How I Heal From Suicide Loss


You know how it is. Sometimes you’re driving along in your car and a song comes on the radio that touches on something deep within. And before you know it, your vision is blurred as you drive through your tears.

One year has passed since my father’s suicide. More than 365 days since the call that changed my life forever. The ground shifted beneath my feet the moment the words were spoken. And I’ve not known what it feels like to be on solid ground since.

How do you love someone through a loss like mine? It is fraught with so many layers, pitfalls and obstacles. You can’t walk this path for me. You can’t drag me along at a pace that you believe will hasten my healing. But you can accompany me.

The song by X Ambassadors is called “Unsteady.” Today was the first time I’ve heard it. The chorus is simple, yet deeply profound.

Hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady
A little unsteady

And that is all I ask. In time, I will find my footing. I will learn to carry this altered sense of self with strides that are more certain and strong. I will wear my status as “survivor” with a greater depth of purpose, but a lessened degree of palpable pain. I’m learning. It is still new. And I am hurting, even as I am healing.

The song says:

If you love me, don’t let go
If you love me, don’t let go

Hold tight to my hand. Walk with me in loving silence. Open your heart and listen. Let me tell you my truth. I do not trust this ground quite yet, lest it shift once again just as I find my stance. What was never supposed to happen, did. My faith provides no clear compass through this new terrain; like the GPS when I make a wrong turn, it is constantly recalculating.

So how do you love me through this loss, this unfamiliar terrain of suicide loss? The song says it all…

Hold on, hold onto me
‘Cause I’m a little unsteady

If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

This blog was originally published on Reflecting Out Loud.

The Mighty is asking the following: Describe a scene or line from a movie that’s stuck with you through your experience with disability, disease or mental illness. Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Related to Suicide

Black and white portrait of a sad woman dressed in vintage style

To the Survivor Who's Just Lost Someone to Suicide

To the new Survivor of Suicide, I was you.  We will be Survivors for the rest of our lives, but in those first moments, everything is too raw to really understand what that means. So take a minute and breathe. Your life has just completely changed, but you will be OK. The first person I called was [...]
coldplay

What a Coldplay Song Taught Me About My Father's Suicide

Music has the power to evoke such strong emotion. It can touch upon our deepest sorrows and our greatest joys. It might be intertwined with a cherished memory, bringing us back to the past, no matter where we stand today. Music can be part of our truth, our narrative of life. It can frame the way we see [...]
Vintage toned message in a bottle on beach, shallow depth of field.

If You Feel Like You're 'Losing' to Your Mental Illness, This Is Your Reason to Stay

I’m sure you’ve stumbled across the photograph online, saying that if you’re looking for a reason not to hurt yourself, kill yourself or stay that “this is it.” I’m not going to post a photo. I’m going to tell you, one on one, why I need you to stay. I know a lot of you [...]

To the Friend Treating Me Differently After Finding Out About My Suicide Attempt

Dear friend. I know you care, and I know you’re concerned. I’m sure you have no idea what to do around me anymore, and I’m sure you’re just trying to do the best you can. I know something about your view of me changed when you found out I’d attempted suicide. I know because everything [...]