What Postpartum Depression and Anxiety Really Look Like

This is the face of postpartum depression:

Mom holding baby in her arms

And this:

Mom kisses infant son and son looks toward camera.

And this:


Postpartum anxiety and depression don’t always look like what you think they do, particularly under a good Instagram filter, do they? Surprised? I was.

I had a wonderful birth experience, but it didn’t take long for me to start feeling in over my head. From the moment our beautiful, perfect son was born, he screamed and screamed and screamed. I finally sent him to the nursery four hours later, something I did not plan to do, so I could catch a bit of sleep after being awake for almost 24 hours. (First dose of mom-guilt administered.)

We learned within a week of no sleep, endless frustration, too much lost weight and buckets of tears, he couldn’t transfer milk effectively. I had to start exclusively pumping so he could eat. Those first few weeks were the most exhausting and emotional weeks we can remember. Waking him every two hours to eat, pumping around the clock, trying to sleep and take a breath in between, it was a fog of absolute tension and weariness. Not being able to breastfeed in the traditional sense had never even crossed my mind as a possibility, and I really had to grieve the loss.

Two weeks after he was born, I wildly failed an online postpartum depression screening, but figured everyone struggled in the first couple of weeks. I think I cried at some point every single day until he was 3 weeks old. I didn’t know what was normal, but I definitely didn’t feel like myself. I’d never felt more fear in my life, and my long-dormant propensity toward panic attacks awakened with a vengeance. I felt deeply fragile, like I could shatter at any moment.

It was hard. I have spent my whole life doing “hard things”: speaking to crowds of thousands of people, mentoring hundreds of high-risk kids, breaking up fights in the projects, doing outreach to women in the sex industry in the sketchiest places imaginable, participating in a a statewide anti-trafficking task force. But this being a parent thing? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, by a mile.

People asked me all the wrong questions, which filled me with guilt.

“Aren’t you just having the most fun ever?!”

“Isn’t it the best?”

I loved my son, truly and with all my heart, but I was also still getting to know both him and this new version of myself. He was a beautiful little stranger, and we were still getting acquainted. It seemed like all my friends with new babies just got it immediately, were glowingly happy and able to cope beautifully right from the start, which was isolating and filled me with more guilt.

When I went for my six-week checkup, there was no postpartum depression screening. My midwife was very dismissive of my concerns and was really not helpful. I called several counselors, but none of them took my insurance. I was so discouraged. I just stopped looking. While I talked to my husband about my feelings and he was supportive, I didn’t tell anyone else in my life, not even my mom or best friend, whom I talked to every day.

The guilt was too intense. I believed the lies that postpartum depression and anxiety meant I was a bad mom or I didn’t love my baby enough. The shame of it was crippling. I didn’t see postpartum depression and anxiety as an illness, which it is, but as a personal failure and something that didn’t happen to truly “good moms.”

I waited too long, until about four months postpartum, to finally find a counselor. I’m so glad I did. I told the people closest to me what I’d been dealing with and was met with nothing but love and support. I rearranged my work schedule so I could be home more and have a better balance between the “old me” and the “new me,” which really helped.

I also starting reaching out to other new moms. Spending time with other women in the trenches has been so life-giving. I started taking medication, which was the right choice for me. It took nearly six months for the fog to begin lifting, and while I’m still on this journey of overcoming, I can honestly say I adore parenthood. I’m incredibly happy, and I feel like I can cope with the challenges of this new season of life.

If this is where you’re at right now, then know this: You are not alone. Being a parent is the hardest thing in the world, but you are a great mom, who is doing a great job. It gets easier. I repeat, it gets easier. You figure it out. You get in a groove and you understand your baby better. They stop screaming for no reason at all. And it really does become fun. You will feel like a human again. You will have date nights and good sex again. You will sleep again. You are not alone.

Moms with postpartum anxiety and depression are great moms who love fiercely, feel deeply and maybe think a little too much. They are heroes for getting out of bed every day. If this is you, then don’t be afraid to get help. If you broke your leg and refused to go to the doctor because you thought it was a personal failure and just needed to “walk it off” and live with the pain, then that would be bonkers. Postpartum mood disorders are illnesses like any other, and they need treatment to heal.

You are going to be OK. You are loved. You truly are a wonderful mom.

For more information, visit www.postpartumprogress.com.

This blog was originally featured on ScaryMommy.

The Mighty is asking the following: What was the moment that made you realize it was time to face your mental illness? What was your next step? Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Postpartum Disorders

Hands of married couple wearing wedding rings

To the Person Who Told My Husband to Divorce Me When I Had Postpartum Depression

I wrote my own vows when I married my husband, so although I didn’t exactly say, “in sickness and in health,” I meant it. When I chose to marry him, I didn’t mean I would only love him when he was at his best. I meant my love for him was unconditional. In return, I [...]
Shelley and Her Family

To My Husband Who Loved Me Through Postpartum Depression

To my dear husband, Thank you for loving me through this. Through the tears, the crying, the worry. Postpartum depression could have robbed our marriage, our family and us the joy of welcoming another sweet daughter into the world, but it didn’t because of you. You didn’t judge me when I sat on the bathroom [...]
Mother kissing her baby

5 Symptoms of Postpartum Depression Nobody Talks About

When most people think of postpartum depression (PPD), they think of a sad new mom, sitting on the side of the bed with frazzled hair and spit up on her shirt. But, there is a dark and rarely talked about side of PPD a new mother can experience, and it’s time to shed light on [...]
baby boy and mother looking at each other tenderly

You Know You're Recovering From Postpartum Depression When...

Postpartum depression can come out of nowhere. It looks different for everyone, so it can be hard to recognize. I didn’t even realize my interests were fading, I just thought I was transitioning to new interests. Just as similarly, I didn’t really realize I was getting better until I really started paying closer attention. You see, [...]