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'I Can't Go:' The 3 Little Words I'm Tired of Saying Due to My Illness

‚ÄúI can’t go.‚ÄĚ

Those three little words kill me every time I utter them to someone I had plans with. I hate having to say them partly because I hear sadness in their response, but also because I despise missing out on an adventure. My soul wants to explore so badly, but my physical body is not strong enough at this time to go.

It takes a lot of courage for me to bow down and hang back from going on an adventure. I know I am really sick when the calm voice is out in my head telling me that this is not my time to push my body to its max. If I were to ignore my internal voice and go, I would bet on me losing the risky game of Russian roulette.

Sadly, those three little words¬†had to be said to my family this past week. They had plans to go camping¬†to my favorite campsite in New Mexico and unfortunately I was not¬†feeling strong enough to join. On Friday night I sat on our brown¬†leather sofa watching my boyfriend¬†Seth, the kids and his nephew pack for their¬†camping trip to the mountains. It killed me to see our living room full¬†of camping gear and know I will not be able to load into the Road Barge¬†with them the next morning. I can’t help but feel sad that I don’t¬†have a healthy body. I wanted to stubbornly ignore all the symptoms I¬†was experiencing that were indicators that it was not my time to travel and say ‚Äúf*** it, I am going too,‚ÄĚ but the realistic side of me knew that¬†would not have been a smart decision with this grueling summer heat.

It¬†frustrates me that I have to exclude myself from making memories with¬†them. I would rather be laughing alongside them than binge watching¬†Netflix in our quiet apartment by myself. It feels bratty of me to admit¬†that I don’t want to hear their funny stories when they get home because¬†listening to them only makes me sadder that I could not be laughing in¬†the moment with them. My heart hurts having to sit out on the sidelines¬†and hear that my family had a great time.

Before they all left¬†for their trip, Seth’s youngest daughter was disappointed she could not¬†take Kerby the labradoodle with them. When I told her he was going to stay home with me she said, ‚ÄúWell, I will find you a babysitter then.‚ÄĚ Her honest words were a stab to my ego and made me feel pathetic. In¬†her eyes she thinks I am always not well and have to have someone watch¬†me at all times like I am 5. I should not be surprised by her¬†comment because I do tell the kids often that I cannot go on outings¬†with them because of one symptom or another. Each time sucks because their eyes always fill with disappointment that I can’t go.

I¬†am tired of not always being able to say yes and bumming my family and¬†friends out. I want to say yes to every adventure no matter what the¬†temperature is. I want to experience places firsthand rather than¬†watching GoPro clips of them from my phone. I want to be everyone’s ride-or-die chick, not halfway committed to this game called life.

Deep down in my bones I know I will be able to say yes to more adventures, but it still does not make every ‚Äúno‚ÄĚ any easier.