Reading My Suicide Note When I'm No Longer Suicidal


This year has easily been the most difficult year of my life. Divorce, living arrangement changes, custody arguments, the list goes on. These things would take their toll on anyone, but as someone who has always struggled with anxiety and depression, I dove down into a very deep hole for a really long time.

As sad as I am to say it I was moments away from ending it all on more occasions than I can count now. Thankfully I never went through with it, and somehow at the last minute something stopped me every time. I was prepared though. I had my funeral plans outlined and suicide notes written. The other day I got my notebook out to write something, and while I was flipping to find a blank page I found them there. I read the notes with tearful eyes. I remember writing them and feeling like I truly had no other choice. There was no way I could continue living with the demons in my mind. The voices telling me I was better off gone seemed to grow stronger every day, and at the time I couldn’t even remember what life was like before going to that dark place. The few people who were close enough to know my battle kept telling me it gets better, but I didn’t believe them. I thought  they didn’t understand and were just reciting some cliché phrase they thought they were supposed to say.

But I am here to tell you as someone who has been as close to suicide as you can be without going through with it, that it absolutely does get better. I won’t sugarcoat it. It will be the fight of your life, but please keep hanging on. Keep fighting. You are worth the fight no matter what your mind tells you. One day you will look back on that time of your life and you will be so grateful you stayed alive. If you’re like me, it will absolutely shake you to your core how close you came.

On your darkest days, do your best to be around people who love you. Even if that means laying on a couch without saying a word while your friend sits in a chair across the room. Don’t isolate yourself. In case no one has told you today, you are worthy of life, you have so much to offer this world, your past does not define you, you are strong, and you are loved.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Stock image by Ingram Publishing


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Suicide

A man holding hearts

19 Suicide Survivors Share What They Needed After Their Loss

After any death, it can be difficult to find the right words to support a loved one. After a suicide, especially if you’re unfamiliar with mental illness and what it’s like to be suicidal, it can seem nearly impossible. Some might hold misconceptions about suicide and think the person who died is “selfish” or took the [...]
Screen showing "Someone saw your posts and thinks you might be going through a difficult time. If you need support, we'd like to help." and a list of resources.

Here's How Instagram's New Self-Harm and Suicide Reporting System Works

Last week Instagram released a new feature that lets users flag posts containing images or messages containing references to suicide and self-harm. In the past, flagging these images as inappropriate would result in them being deleted. Now, users whose posts have been flagged will receive a message from Instagram with support resources. The app’s latest update [...]
woman curled up in bed

The Problem With Being Suicidal

Let me start out by saying, I, in no way, condone taking your life. You are unique. You are valuable. You are precious. You are worthy. You deserve to live. You are loved. You are wanted. Even if it doesn’t feel like it, I promise, you are all those things and more. What happens when [...]
An older picture of Lisa's son, sitting next to a pumpkin

A Response to the 'Suicide Scar' Costume Makeup Being Sold on Walmart.com

Editor’s note: Since the publishing of this story, the “Razor Blade Suicide Scar Wound Latex Costume Make Up” has been removed from Walmart’s site. I’ll never forget the first time my child talked about suicide. He was 4 years old, sniffling and shivering after a several-hour fit of thrashing, incoherent rage. As I rubbed his [...]