7 Things That Made Me Grateful in the Fortnight Following My Suicide Attempt
When I was feeling suicidal I had forgotten about all of the little things in life that can often bring small moments of joy. Here are seven things I got to experience in the two weeks that followed my suicide attempt — seven things that made me a little more grateful I lived.
1. The warm towel — from my radiator that awaited me after I pulled myself out of bed to have a shower for the first time in three days. I wrapped myself in it after stepping out of the shower. I felt warmth — warmth I had never felt before.
2. Falling in love with my puppy all over again — seeing his excitement, his joy for everything. Seeing the way his tail wags when anybody get close to him. Seeing him try to contain his excitement when I open the cupboard with his food in. Seeing him look at me like I am his whole world.
3. Being able to wish my sister a happy birthday — this brought both guilt and joy. Knowing I had pre-written her card a week before her birthday, as I didn’t think I would be here to give it her. Holding back the tears as I gave her a hug, knowing she didn’t have a clue about what had happened. I wanted that hug to last forever. I made it to her birthday. I hope I make it to her next one. I love you, sis.
4. Treating myself to a sugar in my tea — I hadn’t drank anything in more than a day. My water bottle had run empty. I got out of bed, wrapped my dressing robe around me and made myself a cup of tea. I put one sugar in. I treated myself; it felt good. I was letting myself enjoy the little things in life.
5. Feeling proud of myself for emptying the dishwasher — it may seem like an easy task, but you may as well have asked me to climb Mount Everest. Except I didn’t have to be asked; I volunteered. (I’m still proud of this, can you tell?) It was the first bit of housework I had done since my attempt. It took every ounce of energy I had.
6. Feeling the rain on my face when I went outside for the first time in a week — it was like I had never felt the rain before. I felt like I was feeling it for the first time, and it felt good. It made me feel alive. I usually shy away from the rain for the fear of making my hair frizzy or my makeup run. I usually put up my umbrella or the hood on my jacket, but on that day I embraced it. It gave me feeling on a day I felt so numb.
7. Watching the sun rise — my safe haven when I am feeling majorly depressed is my bed. Sleeping means I can avoid my feelings; 7 a.m. gets confused for 7 p.m. My curtains remain shut until I am able to come out of the darkness. I awoke early on this day. I watched the sunrise. It wasn’t the most amazing sun rise I had ever seen, but it reminded me of all the sun rises I had seen before and all of the sun rises I will see again. It reminded me I am a part of this world. It reminded me that perhaps there is someone else out there, feeling the same way as me, watching the same sun rise. I am not alone.
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