The Hopes I (Don't) Have With Chronic Illness

I hope you never have to have the world as you know it ripped out from under you. I hope you never have to go to sleep healthy and wake up ill. I hope you never have to go from being a dancer or an athlete, to being a patient or a statistic. I hope you never feel like a statistic.

I hope you never have to accept that there will not be another day in your life that you won’t have to fight for. I hope you never have to be OK with living every day in excruciating pain, relentless nausea or mind-numbing fatigue. I hope your name never gets replaced by your diagnosis.

I hope you never have to feel alone, wondering where those who claimed they loved you are. I hope you never have to watch people you come to love and trust, leave. I hope you never have to wonder what you did or what was wrong with you to cause them to leave. I hope you never question your worth and presence in this world because of how alone you feel. I hope you never feel alone, or unloved, or insignificant.

paper that says you are enough

I hope you never have to watch the world around you keep spinning while you stand stationary…while you are stuck. I hope you never question your purpose when your peers are moving forward without you, when you can’t go to school with them, when it’s not safe for you to do what they are doing. I hope you never feel that your dreams, or even normalcy are out of reach.

I hope you never face the loss of your best friend, I hop you don’t ever have to accept that cancer took her at 16. I hope you never have to accomplish the things you promised you’d do together, without her. I hope you never have to cry and ache and beg for her back.

I hope you never have to question your place on this earth. I hope you don’t spend more nights than not crying yourself to sleep. I hope your days don’t lose their joy and that you don’t dread the dark that night brings. I hope you never have to go to sleep wishing, begging, praying, hoping you don’t wake up in the morning. I hope you never feel that this world would be better off without you in it.

I hope you never question your identity, and you never forget who you are. I hope as the diagnoses pile up, your sense of self does not diminish. I hope as you lay in hospital beds questioning your next move while receiving harsh treatment, that you never settle for just being the patient. I hope you never stop fighting for what’s important to you and that you never forget what that is.

I hope you never lose hope in yourself, in your future, in your significance in life. I hope  you never forget that after the harshest of storms there are rainbows. I hope  you do wake up every single day and that joy returns to your days and heart. I hope you know that strength doesn’t lie in fearlessness but instead is within stumbling, falling, and rising. I hope you remember you are person with an illness and a human being first and foremost. I hope you know the love you have to give is important and valuable, and the love that people have for you is immeasurable.

I hope you never forget that no matter how tough the battle may seem, you are always, undoubtedly tougher.

woman flexing

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

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