When Your Own Thoughts Frighten You

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What is a thought?

Thoughts flit harmlessly in and out of our minds, don’t they? thousands of different thoughts a day, some we pay attention to, some we like and enjoy, some we don’t. But what about those thoughts that frighten us? That cause our bodies to react with fear and worry, sometimes panic? What if you are one of those people who can’t let go of the thoughts that terrify you and instead prod them, probe them anxiously until they grow in power and become all you can think about?

I am one of those people. I have always been a “worrier,” someone who has dwelled on bad events, worried incessantly about something I might have said or done wrong, worried my parents might die, that the world could end. As a child the list was endless. However it wasn’t until my late teens that I began to really feel the impact of anxious thoughts, my monsters.

My thoughts usually begin with “what if…” Those two dreaded words, usually accompanied by a flash of an uncomfortable image in my mind, are enough to send me into a spiral of panic. Thought after thought races into my brain, images flash uncontrollably in front of my eyes despite how much I want them to stop, to get off the helter-skelter, to walk in the opposite direction of the thoughts and fears that are plaguing me. The more I try to resist, bracing myself and my body, knowing they are inevitably coming, the more powerless I am to stop them.

Of course, my body doesn’t escape from the thoughts either; my heart thuds painfully, my stomach churns with a gut-wrenching nausea that so often accompanies me and my monsters, my head pounds and my chest feels tight and uncomfortable. I would, in those terrible moments, do anything to escape my own body and mind. The injustice of the experiences I go through every day and am too ashamed to admit to takes the shine off almost everything I do.

Depression likes to bully me when it can: “You’re so weak! Nobody else feels like you do.” “You didn’t leave the house today because you were afraid… what a coward.”
“You spoil everything, you and your stupid thoughts… everyone is going to get sick of you. You’re so boring.”

Sometimes it feels as if I am standing at the top of a black abyss, feeling a magnetic pull towards the bottom of the pit. I have an uncontrollable urge to dive into the “what if” thoughts and try and solve them all, reassure myself these are worries I can control and prevent from occurring. If I could just solve them, answer the unanswerable questions, then I’d be OK and they wouldn’t come anymore. I’d be free from the constraints of my thoughts.

I know it is the wrong thing to do, that by diving to the bottom of the pit I risk eventually being consumed by my fears, but it feels so right, so comforting and the urge is so strong.

The monsters in my mind like to play with what I hold most dear, toy with my deepest, darkest fears until I am so afraid that the thoughts are in fact true and not monsters at all, that I can no longer think straight. I begin to avoid anything I think will make the monsters shout louder. I try desperately to reassure myself the thoughts are not true. They’re not… are they? They could be, couldn’t they? How can I prove they’re not true, that my fears are not going to happen? And so the monsters continue to grow, and their shouts get a little louder. At times, my life revolves around my monsters. I won’t do something or go somewhere in case they start their incessant shouting again – I would do anything to avoid the thoughts and the feelings that come with them.

I get days, weeks even, where I am stronger. I ignore the monsters, labelling them for what they really are – anxious, intrusive thoughts that make my body react in unpleasant ways. I don’t avoid things or places; I don’t jump into the deep pit in an attempt to “solve” the problems and uncertainties. I realize the monsters can’t make me do or say anything I don’t want to – they’re just background noise. Feelings and thoughts can’t hurt me. I’m happier then; the monsters are quieter and I find I have more energy, I sleep better, I do the things I love… even depression’s snide comments lessen. I can see beauty in the things around me, I can laugh from my belly and feel deep love and contentment with my boyfriend.

That’s when I’m cocky – I get complacent. The thoughts are never far from my consciousness, just waiting for me to tentatively probe them, to dive in once more. I fail to resist the magnetic pull just once – then they’re back – my monsters. And the cycle begins again.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

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The Horror of an Anxiety Attack

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It latches itself into you by wrapping a clawed tentacle around your ankle, placing its talons on your arm, or sinking its barbs into your back and digging in.

Once it has claimed and marked its territory, it sits there quietly, biding its time and waiting for the perfect moment to pounce.

Meanwhile, it whispers to you.

Lies, nightmares, deep-seeded secrets, insecurities, horrors of your past… It feeds into you every night and day.

And it waits.

Waits for the sweet smell of fear, uncertainty, stress, self -doubt, or self-loathing.

And then it strikes!

It digs its claws deeper into your back, sinks its fangs deep into your neck and begins to feed. It gnaws at you, making everything going through your brain bigger, worse, and a thousand times more painful.

As you struggle through your fear, anger, doubt, uncertainty and stress, its poison continues to work its way through you. Before you know it, you’re blinded by terror. The whispers have turned into screeches.

Your heart races, you gasp for breath, you start to cry, feeling like there’s no way out, this is it, I’m going to die…

The more afraid you are, the more it feeds, gulping delicious fear and panic, gorging itself on your terror. It holds you in its grasp as you writhe and squirm, lost to the demons in your head, oblivious to your surroundings. It grows larger and larger as your panic and fear grows, ballooning up, threatening to explode…

Then, a voice cuts through the noise, the fear, the panic, the screeches, reminding you to breath.

A pair of arms surrounds you, holding you close and safe.

As you listen to the voice, as you lean on the arms, as your breathing returns to normal and your terror fades, you feel the fangs disengage. You feel it removing itself from the back of your neck and letting up its grip just a bit.

You know it won’t leave you alone forever.

But, while it’s gone, while the fangs are out and the whisperings are at a minimum, for now, you can relax in those arms, breathe normally, open your eyes, and smile.

Follow this journey on The Inner Demons.

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The Monster I Hide Behind the Laughter

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Many people would describe me as someone who never stops smiling, always makes people laugh, has the ability to instantly light up the room and just seems to effortlessly go through life.

They have no idea I have practiced that smile for so long that I do not even need to think about faking it. That the reason I make people laugh is not just to be funny but because I do not want people to feel the same thing I feel. That I light up the room because I fake happiness so nobody will constantly ask me what is wrong. That nothing I do is effortless.

No one knows I live with a monster in my head.

But I know.

It starts with a sense of panic. The panic means the monster is slowly working its way up into my chest. Once it is there, the monster grips my chest so tight that it feels like I am suffocating as the air is squeezed out of my lungs. This feeling gets stronger and stronger until I feel like I am drowning.

I scream. Scream for help.

But no one ever hears me.

This happens every day. Sometimes the monster is provoked, but other times the monster springs out of nowhere. Either way, there is no stopping it.

The monster is invisible so it may not seem real but…

It. Is. Real.

It is not something made up, it is not a cry for attention and it is not an excuse to avoid responsibilities to make life more convenient.

My anxiety is real.

It’s hard to make other people realize how real anxiety is.

Many people say, “Well there’s nothing to worry about…” or “Just stop worrying about it and you’ll be fine…” or “Why would you even worry about something like that? It’s so insignificant.”

I know.

I know some of the things that trigger my anxiety are minuscule and can sound ridiculous.

I know that, but I can’t help it.

I cannot stress this enough: I cannot explain why I am anxious 0r why this or that makes me anxious.

Sometimes it is for no reason. Sometimes there is no reason for my anxiety.

Now, I do not expect people who do not have anxiety to understand, but please be patient with me and do not look at me like I am “crazy.” I already feel like I am crazy and I have little patience with myself half the time.

On behalf of myself and many others with anxiety: Please realize my monster is not imaginary. It is real.

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When I Deal With Losses as Someone With Anxiety

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As I sit in my room, feeling the plagues of anxiety soaring through my body, I wonder — why is it so hard to maintain? Experiencing losses while battling depression and anxiety can be life-, mind-, body- and soul-consuming. As someone who’s very spiritual, it explodes inside of me like a volcano forever erupting. I’ve found that keeping busy helps, but the moment I stop moving, it takes over.

Every night at the same time, I’m plagued with the anxieties of the day. The simplest of moments can become a tumbling episode that lasts for hours. Losing friends, losing jobs, losing lovers can turn into losing myself. Anxiety takes over and rips through me like a wave crashing on the shore. I can’t manage a simple goodbye. I can’t manage a simple sever of a relationship. I can’t manage a simple loss of a job when I can easily find another. It’s too much.

Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? Why didn’t it last this time? Why? When? How?

The plaguing questions of anxiety. My mind telling me I’m not enough. The soul being crushed inside of me — the light draining from within me — and I lose myself.

Why is this happening to me?

I’ve tried everything at this point. I’ve walked. I’ve tried to talk, but the words escape me. I’ve tried to pull myself together, but the anxiety has taken over. I can feel it in my bones. Nothing seems enough.

As someone who deals with anxiety, I don’t just lose friendships or lovers — I lose myself. I don’t just lose jobs — I lose my will to keep going, to keep fighting. Everything stops. My world crashes. I can no longer function. Because something inside me says, “You lost it. This is your fault. You can’t come back from this.” My mind play tricks on me. Constantly.

At this point, anxiety doesn’t just plague my mind, it plagues all of me. It stops me from making new friends. Finding new jobs. Looking for new love. Looking for other pieces of myself. It stops me from being who I am, because something inside me tells me I can’t go on, I can’t keep moving. I have to stop everything I am doing, and I have to panic.

Anxiety is more than just breathing into a bag and overreacting. It’s more than sweaty palms and short breathing. It’s a mindset. It’s a way of life. It’s consuming. It’s all I feel I am sometimes. But it isn’t the only part of me. It is only a piece — though at times, it can feel like every part.

When confronting loss, anxiety consumes my mind, it consumes my body, and I am  lost. All I can do — all I try to do — is fight.

In cases like these, it can be hard for others around us to know exactly what to do to help us through. Here are a few tips to ease that:

  • Don’t panic. Be gentle. Stay calm when we can’t. Talk us through it. Ask questions like: “Are you OK?” “How can I help you through this?” “Is there anything I can do?” “What can I say to ease your mind?”
  • Ease our minds. Remind us we are valuable and things may be hard, but — as always — we can work through them and get back to our best selves.
  • Don’t tell us it’s not a big deal. Instead, remind us things happen and even though our minds may play tricks on us, we can work through it.
  • For some, physical comfort can be a huge help. Make sure it’s OK to hold our hand, touch us, or rub our shoulders.
  • Remind us to take deep breaths and take them with us. Breathing patterns can fluctuate during panic attacks, and we sometimes forget to do the simplest things — like breathe.
  • Remind us of our coping skills — writing, reading, painting, going for a walk — and help us to get them started to help ease the pressures of the anxiety and pent up energies.

For those who struggle with anxiety, here are a few helpful tips to get you through it as well:

  • Count to 10. It can take the mind off the sudden flow of thoughts that tend to bombard us.
  • Take deep breaths. Breathe in slow, breathe out slow. Breathing techniques can help to ease the heart and mind.
  • Write it out. Write what happened and what you’re feeling. It can help organize the thoughts and release the pent up energies the anxiety can create.
  • Reach out to your support system — people you can count on to help you through the anxieties. Tell them what happened and how you’re feeling. This can also help relieve the pressure and organize your thoughts.
  • Go for a walk. Fresh air, sunlight and/or the physical activity can help clear the mind and relax your body while lessening the physical pressure of your energies.

If you struggle with anxiety, everyday feelings and thoughts can seem like a plethora of pain. And this can be heightened when dealing with facing certain life events. Remember, you are not alone.

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5 Tips for Surviving Christmastime Busyness When You Live With Anxiety and Depression

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I have struggled with Christmastime for as long as I can remember. Everywhere seems so much busier, and there seems to be a lot more pressure to be happy and upbeat. There are more family gatherings and social events, plus the added pressure of buying Christmas presents. For someone with anxiety and depression, these things can make Christmas a nightmare.

Here are a few tips that will hopefully make Christmas a little bit better for you, if like me, you struggle with Christmas:

1. It’s still OK to have “down” days.

Just because it’s Christmas doesn’t mean it’s not OK to have down days. I used to feel guilty for feeling unhappy at Christmastime, but I have learned over the years that my illness is not just going to disappear because it’s Christmas. Remember: self-care. Do what you need to do to make you feel better.

2. Don’t be afraid to say no.

Like at any time of the year, if you don’t want to do something, then you don’t have to. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself. I used to feel obliged to attend every single social event that I got invited to. I would spend the whole month of December feeling anxious about the events.

3. Don’t overspend on Christmas presents.

We have all heard the phrase,“Giving is more important than receiving,” but don’t take that too far. For many years, my anxiety made me feel like I needed to spend large amounts of money to buy an acceptable Christmas present. It often leaves me struggling for money for the next month or so and puts added financial pressure on me that I don’t need.

I have learned that very often the gifts I make by hand are often much more appreciated than the gifts I spend a lot of money on. I am not a creative person, but there are plenty of ideas out there on websites like Pinterest. If you do decide to buy presents, then set a budget with that person. This way you know how much to spend and don’t feel guilty thinking you have spent too little.

4. Take care of your eating habits.

For somebody who struggles with an eating disorder, Christmas can often seem like it is all about food. For most people, they see it as a time to eat whatever they like before “the diet starts in January.” It doesn’t have to be this way. I struggle with binge eating and used to always see Christmas as a time for me to eat large amounts of food in front of others without them questioning how much I’m eating.

Now, I find it difficult to eat anything in front of others. I find it even more difficult when all I hear being discussed at the dinner table is how many calories something has. Just because it is Christmas, don’t feel like you have to change your eating habits. Stick to your normal eating habits if that is what is going to work for you. If you do see Christmas as a time to overindulge, then that is completely fine as well. Don’t feel guilty about it. Remember that a few days of not worrying about calories isn’t going to harm you.

5. Do what makes you happy.

I often spend Christmas, like many others, trying to please everyone else around me and forgetting to take care of myself. Doing what makes you happy isn’t selfish. It’s self-care, and it’s important. I’m slowly learning this. Whether it is the days or weeks leading up to Christmas or it’s Christmas day itself, just do what makes you feel good. There are some days around Christmas I’ll put my Christmas jumper on, watch a Christmas movie, listen to Christmas songs and treat myself to a festive hot chocolate. There are other days where I want to forget Christmas even exists and will avoid anything Christmas related. Either one is completely fine.

The most important thing to do is take care of yourself. Don’t neglect any self-care techniques that you have, and do not put any extra pressure on yourself.

 If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.

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I'm Tired of Coming Up With Excuses for My Anxiety

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Anxiety disorders are extremely common, and odds are you know someone struggling with one and you don’t even realize it. Often, those with anxiety don’t share that they’re dealing with it due to the stigma. We can sit here all day and talk about how, “It’s OK to have a mental illness,” and “Mental health is so important!” Yet, so many people act like it’s not.

Mental health is important. You are important. I am important.

I’m tired of constantly having to come up with excuses for my anxiety to benefit those who don’t understand or don’t care to. I’m sick and that’s OK! If your brain is sick, then it’s OK.

It’s disappointing I’m more comfortable saying I have a stomach bug than having panic attacks all day. It’s disappointing I’d rather lie to my friends and tell them I have a cold rather than say my anxious mind is weaving its way into my thoughts again. It’s disappointing I’ve been told that “I’m crazy,” “I need to just relax,” and “It could be worse.”

Obviously, I know all of this. Try telling that to my anxious mind, would ya?

The word anxiety gets thrown around so much that it belittles the constant dread and fear the illness holds. I constantly hear the word anxiety being used as a synonym for nervous. News flash! It’s not. I’m not just nervous. I’m not just worried. This doesn’t just last sometimes. This isn’t situational. This is my life.

Anxiety is real, and it sucks. The more we keep holding anxiety under this stigma, the more it will take a grip on our mind and bodies. I want to be able to say I have an anxiety disorder and not receive judgmental looks and disapproving comments. This is real. Pay attention to it, and don’t stigmatize what so many of us have to deal with daily.

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