The Kind of 'Giving Up' I Chose in My Fight Against Depression

This one is for all those who say I should persevere. To all who say it is not that bad. I overact. I’m being “stupid.” This is to all who challenge my decision to leave my job and don’t understand.

This letter is for you.

My life is like a dark cloud, capturing me. Sometimes the cloud lets me see. See what could have been. See what really is. Until I am again trapped in it. Locked away. Shielded. Captured. Captured with my own thoughts and feelings. Captured without knowing how to ever escape. A cloud stealing every light. Every hope. The air to breathe. The will to live. The strength to fight.

I had two options.

First: Give up.

The training. The job. Try something new. A new start with the help of medicine and therapy. With the hope it will somehow go on. The joy will come back. And I can recover my life. Continue the fight. And maybe even win. A difficult way. Without knowing if it leads to success. And I knew this way would be hard. But it’s a way where hope still matters somehow.

And second: Let go.

Keep the job and hope this life finally ends. Can somebody just let this end? Please?

A life at abyss.

I had the choice. Between life and death. And I chose life! This choice was really hard to make! I have thought about it long and hard. Was awake all night. Day after day. Night after night. And the wish for it to finally end was always there. And simultaneously there was the wish for life. People I wanted to see growing older. Books standing unread in my shelves. Ideas in my head I hadn’t yet fulfilled.

I want to live.

And this is why I gave up.

But I gave up something I could live with. I can get over this. I can make it through this. By living. By fighting.

I am not weak because I stopped fighting for something what would have killed me.

I am not weak.

I am strong.

And brave.

Because I stayed to live and fight. This fight is so hard. It takes a lot of strength, courage, bravery and energy to fight. And there are always those days when I don’t know how long I will stand this. Days where I am longing for death. Days where death feels like the emergency exit. But I am not taking this exit. I go on, away from this door and fighting through the jungle of life. Through all those thorns, the wasps and hornets. I’m fighting on and on, although it hurts me. Although it hurts so bad.

I fight on.

For life.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Image via Thinkstock. 

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Depression

teenage girl with a backpack

Why Getting Rejected Because of My Depression Only Made Me Stronger

Today was the first day in my 22 years on this earth I felt I was being discriminated against. I’ve battled depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia for several years now, and that means I’ve experienced situations or moments when I felt like I didn’t belong. For example, you don’t have the energy to deal with all-night long [...]
silhouette of a young woman looking at sunset

7 Little Things That Tell Me I'm in Recovery From My Depression

Depression can be all-consuming. When you’re in the depths of an episode, it’s often the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning and the last on my mind at night. It can wrap its tentacles around you so that no matter what you’re doing, you can’t ignore its insidious presence. It can seem [...]
young boy attached to a coat hook by his jacket

We Can't Be Bystanders to the Bullying of Depression and Anxiety

This might sound weird, but my New Year’s resolution this year is to accept and embrace my diagnosis of major depressive disorder and anxiety, and to stand up for other people who are diagnosed instead of hiding my head in the sand. There are kids bullied on a constant basis; there are adults bullied on a [...]
Black and white photo of woman with her hands over her face

The Heaviness in My Head

It’s happened again, I’ve fallen back into a depression.  Ah, the “joys” of depression, where no matter what I do I feel depressed. Why oh why did it have to come back?  I just don’t understand. It’s such a weird feeling, too. Like there’s this heaviness on my brain. Not a hurting heaviness like a headache or [...]