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The Kind of 'Giving Up' I Chose in My Fight Against Depression

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This one is for all those who say I should persevere. To all who say it is not that bad. I overact. I’m being “stupid.” This is to all who challenge my decision to leave my job and don’t understand.

This letter is for you.

My life is like a dark cloud, capturing me. Sometimes the cloud lets me see. See what could have been. See what really is. Until I am again trapped in it. Locked away. Shielded. Captured. Captured with my own thoughts and feelings. Captured without knowing how to ever escape. A cloud stealing every light. Every hope. The air to breathe. The will to live. The strength to fight.

I had two options.

First: Give up.

The training. The job. Try something new. A new start with the help of medicine and therapy. With the hope it will somehow go on. The joy will come back. And I can recover my life. Continue the fight. And maybe even win. A difficult way. Without knowing if it leads to success. And I knew this way would be hard. But it’s a way where hope still matters somehow.

And second: Let go.

Keep the job and hope this life finally ends. Can somebody just let this end? Please?

A life at abyss.

I had the choice. Between life and death. And I chose life! This choice was really hard to make! I have thought about it long and hard. Was awake all night. Day after day. Night after night. And the wish for it to finally end was always there. And simultaneously there was the wish for life. People I wanted to see growing older. Books standing unread in my shelves. Ideas in my head I hadn’t yet fulfilled.

I want to live.

And this is why I gave up.

But I gave up something I could live with. I can get over this. I can make it through this. By living. By fighting.

I am not weak because I stopped fighting for something what would have killed me.

I am not weak.

I am strong.

And brave.

Because I stayed to live and fight. This fight is so hard. It takes a lot of strength, courage, bravery and energy to fight. And there are always those days when I don’t know how long I will stand this. Days where I am longing for death. Days where death feels like the emergency exit. But I am not taking this exit. I go on, away from this door and fighting through the jungle of life. Through all those thorns, the wasps and hornets. I’m fighting on and on, although it hurts me. Although it hurts so bad.

I fight on.

For life.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Image via Thinkstock. 

Originally published: December 28, 2016
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