When Self-Doubt Is Constant

Doubt is the hidden antagonist that aides in the development of both my anxiety and depression. Doubt invades everything.

I have doubts mostly about my own abilities. Doubts about doing laundry — will I ruin all the clothes? Doubts about driving — will I cause a crash? Doubts about my relationship — how will I wreck it? Doubts about working — are they talking about me? Am I doing a good enough job? Is there something I could be doing better? Is there someone doing better than I am?

I doubt everything about myself. There are times when this doubt freezes me, leaves me jobless and doing poorly in school. I know I can do better, but this constant doubt that runs through my head feels stronger than me some days. And other days, I am stronger. Some days I overcome these feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt. Some days I persevere and complete the tasks the day sets out before me. But some days I don’t. And that is OK. I know I am still a good person. Even though some days this symptom of my mental illness is overpowering, I am still here. I am still alive, and I have many more days to get better at this. And through therapy and medication, I am learning how to better deal with my doubts.

For now, I acknowledge the thoughts and then I push them from my head. I use distractions to live out my day-to-day life. There is this constant self-doubt inside me. Some days it feels like it wins, and some days it doesn’t. For that I am happy; for that I am appreciative of how much growth I have made in recent months. I know I will keep getting better, even when I try to talk myself out of it.

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