The Song That Was Inspired by My Fight to Make It Through One More Night
The first time I felt depressed I was 13 years old. I didn’t know how to make sense of it or explain my feelings. I just assumed it was puberty and would eventually fade away. I suppressed those emotions and prayed they would never see the light of day. I wish I’d known that would only cause more harm.
The first time I thought about hurting myself I was 15. There was a girl at my school with scarred arms, and everyone whispered about her. I didn’t want to become the subject of their gossip as well. I didn’t want people talking about me like I couldn’t hear them. I didn’t want people to be afraid of me and treat me like shattered glass. So I pushed those thoughts down along with all the unpleasant ones I had ever felt. I wish I’d known the dangers of repressing my emotions because the more they built up, the more I felt ready to explode at any moment.
The first time I considered suicide, I was 19. I walked to a park behind my house and tried to catch my breath. I can’t remember much about that day, but I remember the leaves. It was October, and fall used to be one of my favorite seasons. I loved the way the leaves would change color, from bright green to vibrant orange and yellow.
Yet, as I was walking to that park and the leaves were crunching under my boots, all I could see was that they were dead. They had lost their color and were void of any life, just like me. I wish I had known fall would become my favorite season again.
“It gets better,” was always a cliché that did nothing except infuriate me when someone said it to me. It had been nine years, and nothing seemed to ever get better, only worse. I always felt lied to, like nobody knew how to help me so they would just resort to saying, “it gets better.” It took me a long time to understand what that meant and to actually believe it.
Today, I’m 22 and things are better. They aren’t perfect, but they are better. Bad days still happen. It wouldn’t be life without them. There are still nights when I’m staring at the walls at 3:00 a.m. questioning my purpose. Sometimes, I feel so low I don’t know how I could ever overcome my battles. I completely lose faith in myself. Sometimes, it just takes one person to believe in you to start believing in yourself.
Five months ago, I had one of those bad days. It was the first time in almost two years I had felt like I couldn’t make it through the night. Someone I had always felt comfortable reaching out to was Dani Cimorelli, from the band Cimorelli. For as long as I’ve known her, she’s been there for me in ways I’ll never be able to properly thank her for and that night was no exception.
I had messaged her because I truly felt like I had nowhere else to turn. I felt so alone, and I was terrified.
“I can’t breathe.”
“I just want to be OK.”
I remember pacing back and forth in my room, and I felt like the walls were closing in on me. It was one of the worst nights of my life. I sent Dani like 15 messages and threw my phone on the ground in embarrassment. Letting people in wasn’t easy for me. I remember lying on the floor, pounding my fist into the carpet and tears burning my eyes. I still couldn’t breathe. I was afraid to look at my phone to see if she had said anything, but, of course, she had. She never stopped believing in me.
The messages she sent that got me through that night resulted in a song. I don’t know what I expected when she said, “I wrote a song for you,” but it’s what ended up being, “One More Night” from their latest album, “Alive.” The first verse, pre-chorus and chorus are essentially everything she told me that night. They are the same words that helped me make it through one more night. When I first heard the song, I couldn’t believe it was inspired by my story. I couldn’t believe how many people it was going to reach. I knew if her words helped me, they would help others.
If you feel alone, broken and hopeless, then I highly encourage you to listen to “One More Night” by Cimorelli. They wrote this song to encourage healing and strength among individuals. Close your eyes and listen to the words.
The message of this song truly saved me that night, and I know if you’re struggling, then it can help you too. Life is a gift and is filled with beauty. There is so much worth fighting for, I promise. “One More Night” will remind you that everything will be OK.
“Everything will be OK/ Everything will be all right/ Say a prayer/ Close your eyes/ Please, just give it one more night.”
Get exclusive Cimorelli updates, meet & greet opportunities, merch and Cimorelli’s album, “Alive,” through PledgeMusic.com.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.