Please Don't Mistake My Eating Disorder for Not Wanting Help
This time, my eating disorder relapse was worse than last time. This time my eating disorder is competing with itself.
I’m in my therapist’s office and she’s telling me if I continue down the road I’m going I will land myself in residential again. I know she’s serious but I can’t help but nervously laugh because this is what I do when I’m uncomfortable. I don’t want to go back to residential but the thought of eating “normally” also scares me.
I want to get better, I truly do, but it’s hard because my eating disorder has taken complete hold of me. It’s like I want to get better and be able to eat the foods I did when I was in recovery, but I can’t. My brain is screaming at every inch of me if I do eat or do whatever I want instead of what ED wants then I’m in trouble. This means exercising or feeling miserable or crying over the fact I tried to eat a regular meal.
I can’t do this alone, I need your help, but please don’t mistake my eating disorder for not wanting help. I may get mad at you for noticing or even asking if I ate but that’s not me, that’s my eating disorder. There’s still a part of me somewhere that wants to recover so badly I need you to stay and ask me those tough questions. I need you to ask the questions I’m too scared to say aloud. Those answers are the ones that tell the truth the most. I will probably cry and yell and get so angry at you, but I know you care and I’m happy you are asking. At the moment it probably won’t seem like I care, but later in my recovery I will be so happy you asked.
Please don’t push away from me like I’m doing to you. My recovery means my life, no matter what size or how I seem like I’m doing, please care enough to ask. Looks can be deceiving just like my eating disorder. I wish I had someone to ask me sooner how I was. It could have helped prevent the relapse I’m in now. I’m getting help for it now but I could have struggled with it less. Just know I love you and I know you care and you worry. I am grateful for you and what you’ve been through with my eating disorder. I know it can’t be easy and I love you. Because of my friends and family I will survive.