This time, my eating disorder relapse was worse than last time. This time my eating disorder is competing with itself.
I’m in my therapist’s office and she’s telling me if I continue down the road I’m going I will land myself in residential again. I know she’s serious but I can’t help but nervously laugh because this is what I do when I’m uncomfortable. I don’t want to go back to residential but the thought of eating “normally” also scares me.
I want to get better, I truly do, but it’s hard because my eating disorder has taken complete hold of me. It’s like I want to get better and be able to eat the foods I did when I was in recovery, but I can’t. My brain is screaming at every inch of me if I do eat or do whatever I want instead of what ED wants then I’m in trouble. This means exercising or feeling miserable or crying over the fact I tried to eat a regular meal.
I can’t do this alone, I need your help, but please don’t mistake my eating disorder for not wanting help. I may get mad at you for noticing or even asking if I ate but that’s not me, that’s my eating disorder. There’s still a part of me somewhere that wants to recover so badly I need you to stay and ask me those tough questions. I need you to ask the questions I’m too scared to say aloud. Those answers are the ones that tell the truth the most. I will probably cry and yell and get so angry at you, but I know you care and I’m happy you are asking. At the moment it probably won’t seem like I care, but later in my recovery I will be so happy you asked.
Please don’t push away from me like I’m doing to you. My recovery means my life, no matter what size or how I seem like I’m doing, please care enough to ask. Looks can be deceiving just like my eating disorder. I wish I had someone to ask me sooner how I was. It could have helped prevent the relapse I’m in now. I’m getting help for it now but I could have struggled with it less. Just know I love you and I know you care and you worry. I am grateful for you and what you’ve been through with my eating disorder. I know it can’t be easy and I love you. Because of my friends and family I will survive.