Remembering Reasons to Keep Fighting in the Darkness of My Illness
On days with pain, fatigue or other illnesses, life can feel so daunting, so dark. Imagining growing old when you already feel 20 years older is a thought you try to not even think about.
Some days you feel left with nothing but a broken heart held together by pain pills and heating pads.
On those days it’s hard to not feel like a burden on society.
It’s hard to even feel human.
“I just want to be normal” is on repeat in your head. You anticipate the next doctor appointment with such hope. But so often your hopes are cut up with the razor sharp edges of disappointment.
It’s always a wait.
Wait for this flare to pass, wait to see the doctor, wait to try the only treatment they think will work but insurance will fight it until you give up. So you keep waiting.
It’s hard to keep holding on.
I won’t lie, I’ve had those dark moments of despair.
The feeling that it’s never going to go away, not in this life anyway.
The feeling that my world is unraveling before my eyes and I simply can’t stop it.
I have felt like a burden to my family.
I have felt hopeless despite my efforts to hold onto hope so tightly.
Let me tell you how much that all hurts.
It is so easy to lose sight of the beauty that still surrounds you or the fact that hope still remains for the future.
It’s easy to forget the reasons for your fight. Yet in those moments, it’s imperative that you remember your reasons to keep pushing on.
My reasons never fail to tell me how much they love me as I am.
My reasons provide me with butterfly kisses and hand drawn pictures of how they see me.
My reasons tell me they would never ever want a different mommy.
They tell me how much they miss me when they are gone for just a couple of nights.
They are my reasons to keep fighting and I cannot give up now.
Those reasons remind me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all, even if another tunnel is right around the corner.
Those reasons help me laugh again and for a moment they help me forget the pain.
For a moment those reasons warm my heart that had become chilled from the bitter cold of never feeling good enough.
They help me get through the thornbushes of life.
They remind me that I simply have to get through it cause when I get to the other side, I might have some wounds from the thorns tearing up my skin but I’ll be stronger from it and maybe I might be able to help others if I don’t give up now.
I might be able to help my very own reasons in the future.
If I keep fighting for answers and treatment maybe I’ll save them from walking the same exhausting path I am walking.
So please remember even in your darkest hour, you have reasons to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep breathing.
Nope, it’s not easy and there will straight-up be days that you forget your reasons to keep fighting. But when a new day begins, try to remind yourself of the reasons why you are fighting so damn hard. We all have them, sometimes we just need to remind ourselves what they are.
Make a list of what they are so that on bad days you don’t have to work so hard to see them.
Whatever your reasons are – hold onto them, don’t let go and keep fighting.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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