13 Parts of My Life With Depression You Won't See on My Snapchat History


1. My clean laundry that’s been on the floor for days.

2. The dishes all over the kitchen, even though it’s my job to clean them.

3. The times I randomly cry because I’ve been pushing all the pain down to get through my job.

4. The scheduling with a counselor and failing to find a new psychiatrist.

5. The crying in the office with my counselor and hating it and knowing I need it at the same time.

6. The intense anger I feel about the situation that triggered my depression.

7. The amount of pain I experience just existing.

8. The days when I am so exhausted of being exhausted that nothing seems worth it any more.

9. The lies I tell so no one knows how much I’m struggling.

10. How terrified I am of the place I’m at.

11. The constant doubts and self-defeating thoughts.

12. The moments when I distract myself from suicidal thoughts.

13. The distress I go through when I experience recurring suicidal thoughts throughout the day.

I’m trying to find a way to spin this into a positive, but today I can’t. I have a cold, and I am too exhausted. Here’s my best effort: acknowledging my reality is the first step towards letting myself “not be OK” sometimes.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

students with professor

Letters to the Professors of a Graduate Student With Depression

Dear Professor, You don’t know, but I found out during summer semester that I have depression, the kind that has to be treated. You don’t know, but I’m terrified. I don’t recognize myself. The charade of still being a high-performing student is exhausting. I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I know I don’t [...]
woman at sunset

A Q&A to Explain the Darkness of Depression

Last week, I had quite a strong episode of darkness, and I’m still coming out of it. It was hard, very hard. A common theme in my life is that I have no one to support me during these times. I have to cope on my own. As a result, the loneliness I feel is [...]
dear evan hansen poster

How 'Dear Evan Hansen' Helped Me Feel 'Found'

“Have you ever felt like nobody was there Have you felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere Have you ever felt like you could disappear Like you could fall and no one would hear”? I will have been on antidepressants for anxiety/depression for a week as of tomorrow. I started them after one psychiatrist appointment where [...]
Hands writing on notebook

The Healing Power of Writing Through Depression

Depression is a lonely state. I become consumed by a force that takes away all self-control — mentally, physically, and emotionally. It taunts and lies, saps me of all energy, and wreaks havoc on my emotions. It plagues me with feelings of guilt, shame, and self-loathing. It promises I’m not good enough. It tells me [...]