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13 Parts of My Life With Depression You Won't See on My Snapchat History

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1. My clean laundry that’s been on the floor for days.

2. The dishes all over the kitchen, even though it’s my job to clean them.

3. The times I randomly cry because I’ve been pushing all the pain down to get through my job.

4. The scheduling with a counselor and failing to find a new psychiatrist.

5. The crying in the office with my counselor and hating it and knowing I need it at the same time.

6. The intense anger I feel about the situation that triggered my depression.

7. The amount of pain I experience just existing.

8. The days when I am so exhausted of being exhausted that nothing seems worth it any more.

9. The lies I tell so no one knows how much I’m struggling.

10. How terrified I am of the place I’m at.

11. The constant doubts and self-defeating thoughts.

12. The moments when I distract myself from suicidal thoughts.

13. The distress I go through when I experience recurring suicidal thoughts throughout the day.

I’m trying to find a way to spin this into a positive, but today I can’t. I have a cold, and I am too exhausted. Here’s my best effort: acknowledging my reality is the first step towards letting myself “not be OK” sometimes.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

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Originally published: March 12, 2017
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