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What Being Suicidal Feels Like to Me

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

For me, there is a vast difference between feeling suicidal and actually trying to kill oneself. I walk through life feeling suicidal every day. It doesn’t mean I’m going to act upon it. I just have a feeling that I don’t belong in this world, and I’m tired of living like this.

When I’m suicidal, my head is almost always wrapped by the feeling of not belonging. Like being shrouded by a constant mist of depression that you just can’t get rid of. It makes you want to hurt yourself. The feeling that everyone around you is better off without you makes you feel miserable. The world would be a better place without you — that’s what it makes you believe even though it’s not true. Somewhere in your heart you know these feelings are untrue, but still you can’t shake off this feeling of unworthiness. 

But you go on. No matter what, you still walk on every single day with these feelings hidden under your own invisibility cloak. That’s the best that can be done. You’re suicidal, you know it, but you don’t act upon it. 

This is my life. I fight every day the feelings of hopelessness and degradation. I feel like I’m disappearing as soon as I open my eyes. Mornings are unfriendly to me, they remind me that there’s a full day of battle left for me to conquer. I feel unwanted, forcing myself to feel differently. Forcing myself to think against my mind which constantly tells me I’m wrong to live. Paranoid that my bottled up thoughts are going to simmer to the surface for the whole world to see and judge me.

Being suicidal is the continual fear of being judged because you’re not acting “normal.” Of course acting like a “normal” person requires you to feel like a “normal” person, which is impossible when all you think about is how miserable you are with this life you’re living. The thick cloud of depression that surrounds you, blinds you. You can hardly see what’s in front of you. It gets hard to breathe when you are perpetually drowning in this ocean of abasement. Everything seems wrong, and there’s nothing you can do about it except pray that the cloud clears up and for once you can see what’s on the other side. 

Yes, this is me feeling suicidal and living life. I will live to see each new morning and pray that the going gets easier. 

In the past I have attempted suicide. I fell over the edge and my various mental illnesses did not help me. I had many breakdowns from which I have since recovered. And I plan on keeping myself on the road to recovery. So now I know that no matter how depressed and suicidal I feel, I’m not going to attempt to kill my self.

Writing about what goes on in my mind has helped my recovery and therapy. I have found that sharing my experiences with the world has been therapeutic. It’s a huge burden that has been lifted off my chest since I started writing. So, here I am today, writing about my experience with being suicidal. My only hope is that it helps someone out there to understand their own experience with suicide and that they come forward to get help. 

Whoever you are out there, whatever mess life has put you in, always remember — you are not unloved and unworthy. You are important no matter what your mind says to you. Life is precious if you give it a chance. And even if today it doesn’t feel like it, tomorrow is a new day and you’re going to make it. If you’re feeling hopeless ask for help. You’re not alone.

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If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

 Thinkstock photo via Medioimages/Photodisc