A Letter to My Husband, From Your Wife Who's Been Suicidal
I wanted to write this letter to thank you for all you have done for me. For your patience, your love, and your understanding, for never giving up on me, even when I have given up on myself.
The past few years have been dark and difficult for me, but I know they have been equally heartbreakingly so for you. I can only imagine the helplessness and even frustration you must have felt as you’ve watched me falling apart more and more, unwilling to accept there was anything worth doing to try and fix the situation.
Several times in the past year I found myself writing letters to you, very different from this one. Letters that begged your forgiveness for the steps I was about to take, asking you to still love me and remember the good times we have shared and the beautiful friendship we have always had (even during the hardest times). Those letters were painstakingly written, asking you to constantly remind our children I loved them dearly and apologizing for the hurt I knew it would bring to you all and the confusion it would leave. I needed those letters to convey the love I had for you because I’d never get to tell you those words again.
Words don’t really express how grateful I am that I have a chance to write this letter to you instead — that you never got to read those farewell words, that you never needed too. And most of that has to do with you because of your never-ending kindness and love. You made it impossible for me to leave you. Despite the fact I felt like a millstone around your neck, I couldn’t leave you behind.
You supported my doctor with his request for me to be admitted to hospital for treatment, and while at the time I felt so desolate and fearful of that, I am so incredibly grateful you did so. Being away from you and the boys for those two weeks was painful in a way I couldn’t begin to imagine. Those first few days and nights without you were the worst I had experienced, yet they made me wake up to the fact that I was about to make a decision to never be with you again.
I wish I could say to you that I’ll never again write those notes, but I don’t know if that is a promise I can keep. It was only a few weeks ago that I wrote the last one. But I do promise you I will do my very best to always be open and honest with you about the depth of my feelings, even the dark and miserable ones, so we can face them together.
We have a beautiful relationship. We are the very best of friends. I want to grow old with you and watch our children grow. I want to laugh a lot with you and tell you I love you until I can’t speak anymore. I want you to know how much you mean to me, and I hope to spend the rest of my life showing you that.
Thank you, my darling man, for being the amazing person you are.
I love you to infinity.
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