Dear body,
Can we make up?
I know, I’ve treated you poorly. I have put unfair expectations on you. I have ignored you when you screamed at me, “Eat, I’m hungry, I’m tired. Something’s wrong.”
I judged you. I picked you apart, over and over again. I belittled you. I disrespected you. I didn’t value you. I refused to see your worth. I blamed you for all my problems. I fought you, over and over again. I have put you on display, and let others judge you. I let their judging voices get louder in my head and dictate my worth.
I want to say, “It’ll never happen again. I’ll be different this time. I’ll take care of you. I love you,” like an apologetic partner grasping for straws.
But I can’t promise you that. I won’t. I want to, but I can’t.
Because there’s this third party in our life, isn’t there? He’s been like a drug to me. Something I cling onto, because he made me feel in control. His name is ED — my eating disorder. And I want to say he’s gone, but I can’t. I never know when he’ll show up or for how long he’ll stay.
But he’s not here today.
So my promise to you is this — I want to love you. I want our relationship to be healthy. I want to relearn all the things that ED stole from me. Self-love. Body acceptance. Positivity. How to live. How to love. How to feel free in my own body. I want to make this work.
And I will work on it every day. Please be patient with me.
XOXO,
Your new best friend and biggest supporter.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, you can call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237.
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Shelby is a mother of two living in the burbs of Atlanta, who spends her free time trying to get over her break up with carbs. ( I miss you, Pizza joe. Call me.) She does this while making it through the hours between coffee and wine, working within the PCOS community, advocating for self-love and acceptance despite her anxiety, depression and history of disordered eating, and fighting the good fight in her head between “ I wanna look good naked” and “ I eat cake in bed.” She blogs at www.survivingshelby.com and covers topics such as positive body image, PCOS, eating disorder recovery and humor. Really, just a woman trying to get her sh*t together.
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