Postpartum Depression Kept Me From Reaching Out for Help


As I’m sitting here in bed in the middle of the night next to my significant other and nearly 6-month-old child between us, all I can seem to think about is how to best form the words running through my head.

A few months ago, about a month after my second son was born, my life took a turn for the worst. It was just the beginning to what seems like my never-ending, broken life. Or so it seems.

I was beginning to have symptoms of postpartum depression, which is a heavy weight to battle within itself. Once I noticed it, I tried to hide it. I didn’t want anyone to be worried again, so I forced myself to smile and be “OK.” Soon things began to break in my life: my career, the career of my significant other, our cars and our relationship with each other and others. It was then when all my symptoms had taken over me. The chronic fatigue, problems with eating, not wanting to be social, mood swings and simply never wanting to get out of bed or do anything. My moods were so up and down my spouse didn’t know how to handle it, so he let me be. But it was then I needed him the most.

My thoughts became so intrusive. You’re not a good mother. You can’t do anything right. No one cares or loves you. You’re hideous and disgusting. It soon became the only thing I could hear. I began to think about the lives people would have without me.

The battle I fight every day is to simply scream, “I need your help! I can’t keep feeling this way!” and to hopefully make it another day and maybe wind up OK and possibly happy. I look at my spouse and want to say the words in my mind, but can’t seem to say them out loud. Praying he’ll see the signs or see the pain behind my eyes with the smile I force myself to wear. I feel trapped inside my own mind going round and round with my thoughts. Fighting myself to just simply say something.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Image via Thinkstock.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Postpartum Disorders

Photo of Chrissy Teigen wearing a long white dress on the red carpet

Chrissy Teigen Writes About One of the Most Confusing Parts of Depression

Chrissy Teigen is known for her honesty and frankness, and her latest feature in Glamour – a personally penned essay – is no exception. The model and new mom shared with the magazine how life has changed since the birth of her and husband John Legend’s daughter, Luna – noting her recent diagnosis of postpartum depression [...]
Eden Dance "where have all the flowers gone" show image

Dancing Through the Darkness of Postpartum Depression

My identity and gift to the world was my ability to create. I felt God had chosen me to be a storyteller be it though dance, acting, writing or simply weaving a fairytale while making daisy chains with my little girl. My mind saw meaning in little things, imagined backstories to strangers, added voices to [...]
A mother holding her baby's hands

A Letter to the OCD Momma Wondering If She'll Be OK

To the mom who struggles with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) in silence: I see you. To the mom who spends all of her “me” time crying into her pillow: I get it. To the mom whose eyes dart across the room, wondering who is worrying about her sanity: I feel your pain. To the mom [...]
A woman holding up her child in a field of flowers

How I Found Positivity and Acceptance After Postpartum Depression

“Depression, for me, wasn’t a dulling but a sharpening, an intensifying, as though I had been living my life in a shell and now the shell wasn’t there. It was total exposure … What I didn’t realise, at the time, was that this state of mind would end up having positive as well as negative effects.” [...]