themighty logo

How Suicide Loss Changes Your World

Isn’t it ironic that the problem that might have influenced his suicide is the one I’m facing now?

Total and complete anxiety I’ve never had before that incident happened. I mean I would definitley experience anxiety occasionally, but I never considered myself an anxious person. Somehow, this young man’s suicide changed my life and became a trigger that opened my dark side.

I was always afraid of darkness, but it had never astounded me. I haven’t laid in bed at night frozen by fear since since I was a kid. And even in those times, I used to go to my parents’ bedroom and ask my mom to sleep with me. Fairly, it never made my dad happy, but mom always came to my bed and my demons were gone. Unlike now. Even when I sleep with my fiancĂ©, I still can’t move, open my eyes or feel relaxed during the night. I wake up of every even slightly perceptible sound staring at darkness with eyes full of fear and tears. And it’s only one small piece of the anxiety puzzle I discovered. Just a little worry and I’m completely choking without any ability to breath or move.

The other sign of my anxiety is “eating and destroying myself” by biting lips till they’re inflamed and bleeding and picking my fingernails till they are bleeding too. I can’t help it. I don’t control it. Whenever I have free hands, I find myself doing that.
Interesting, that exactly the day before his suicide, he told us about his anxiety attacks and sleeping problems… but we didn’t realize it was so serious. We thought he was talking about a light form of anxiety teenagers sometimes have meeting new people, or when they’re too critical to themselves. What if I was more empathetic, would he still be alive? What if I could relate to him? What if his soul is still somewhere around?

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

 Thinkstock photo via m-gucci