How Suicide Loss Changes Your World


Isn’t it ironic that the problem that might have influenced his suicide is the one I’m facing now?

Total and complete anxiety I’ve never had before that incident happened. I mean I would definitley experience anxiety occasionally, but I never considered myself an anxious person. Somehow, this young man’s suicide changed my life and became a trigger that opened my dark side.

I was always afraid of darkness, but it had never astounded me. I haven’t laid in bed at night frozen by fear since since I was a kid. And even in those times, I used to go to my parents’ bedroom and ask my mom to sleep with me. Fairly, it never made my dad happy, but mom always came to my bed and my demons were gone. Unlike now. Even when I sleep with my fiancé, I still can’t move, open my eyes or feel relaxed during the night. I wake up of every even slightly perceptible sound staring at darkness with eyes full of fear and tears. And it’s only one small piece of the anxiety puzzle I discovered. Just a little worry and I’m completely choking without any ability to breath or move.

The other sign of my anxiety is “eating and destroying myself” by biting lips till they’re inflamed and bleeding and picking my fingernails till they are bleeding too. I can’t help it. I don’t control it. Whenever I have free hands, I find myself doing that.
Interesting, that exactly the day before his suicide, he told us about his anxiety attacks and sleeping problems… but we didn’t realize it was so serious. We thought he was talking about a light form of anxiety teenagers sometimes have meeting new people, or when they’re too critical to themselves. What if I was more empathetic, would he still be alive? What if I could relate to him? What if his soul is still somewhere around?

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

 Thinkstock photo via m-gucci


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Suicide

13 reasons why

4 Important Lessons From '13 Reasons Why'

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741 “You can’t stop the future. You can’t rewind the past. The only way to learn the secret… is to press play.” — “Thirteen Reasons [...]
man on a boardwalk. Text reads: 23 people explain what it's like to have suicidal thoughts when you're not suicidal

23 People Explain What It's Like to Have Suicidal Thoughts When You're Not Suicidal

Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. It’s a complicated thing to explain — what it’s like to have suicidal thoughts, but not want to die. For some, it’s a constant weight of feeling like you don’t deserve [...]
Amy Bleuel sitting in a bench

How Amy Bleuel's Death Affected Me as Someone With a Semicolon Tattoo

I’m writing this with tears in my eyes, my hands shaking. My heart is shattered. One of the people I admire most in the world has lost her life to depression. You may have heard of Project Semicolon, but if not I’ll explain it to you in short. Project Semicolon is a project whose main [...]
13 Reasons Why

6 Reasons I'm Not a Fan of '13 Reasons Why'

The mini series version of Jay Asher’s book, “Thirteen Reasons Why,” has come out on Netflix (“13 Reasons Why”). It has been long anticipated, as the best selling young adult novel has been a favorite among many since 2007. However, the story has never sat quite right with me. For background, I am someone living [...]